MikeLigalig.com

FACELIFT
Pasyente ... magkano ang facelift?
Doktora ... complete treatment ay P145,000
Pasyente ... mahal!!! ano bang pinakamurang treatment para magmukha akong bata?
Doktora ... heto tsupon, P20 lang!!

ORDER
Customer ... waiter! bakit ang tagal ng order ko? ilan ang cook nyo dito?
Waiter ... ay, sir, wala pu kame cuk dito...pipse lang. pipse!!

PROBLEMA NGA
Pasyente ... Doc, may problema ako...tuwing alas otso ng umaga dumudumi ako...
Doktor ... so, anong problema doon?
Pasyente ... Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising.

CUSTOMER
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
Lady sitting next asked, 'are they your babies?'
Man: 'No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!'

ACCIDENT
A lawyer driving on a highway notices a crowd in an intersection.
With his urge to get into the thick crowd and see the action, he shouted,
'I'M THE SON OF THE VICTIM.'
Upon hearing, the people made way for him to get through.
There he saw, bloody and helpless lying in front of the people...a pig bumped by a trailer truck!

PINTURA
Erap ... Honey, nagpintura ako ng banyo.
Loi ... Bakit dalawa ang suot mong jacket, ang init, init !!!
Erap ... Sabi kasi sa label, for best results put on 2 coats.

MANNY PAKYAW
Reporter ... Manny, anong bill ang gagawin mo kapag congressman ka na?
Manny ... Ano'ng bill? yung tomotonog pagkatapos ng bawa't round sa bukseng?

HIWALAYAN
Wife ... maghiwalay na tayo!
Man ... ok! akin ang bahay!
Wife ... Akin ang farm!
Man ... Akin ang kotse!
Wife ... Wag mo isama driver, matagal ng akin yan.
Man ..... Magkakamatayan tayo! Akin siya!

HOLDAP
Lola ... Amang, wala akong pera!
Holdaper ... Alam ko kung asan ang pera mo...[sabay pasok ng kamay sa bra ni Lola]
Lola ... Ituloy mo iho, may dollars pa sa ibaba!!

OBITUARY
Mrs. Tanoy is a very kuripot Ilocana. When her husband died, she
inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.
The ad taker said: '300 pesos for 5 words.'
She said: 'Pwede ba 2 words lang? 'Tanoy dead' '
Ad taker: 'No mam. 5 words is the minimum.'
After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: 'Ok, para sulit, ilagay mo,
'TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE '

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hahaha bisdak jud ^ 

sinabi ng wag tumabok, tumawid talga, naligsan tuloy...

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Boy: 'Nay, anong ulam natin?
Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!
*********************************************************
Caloy: Tay ,di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo 'ko ng P100 pag pumasa ako sa Math?
Tatay: Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba?
Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di ka na gagastos ng P100.
*********************************************************
Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power;
At 43, quits drinking. Will Power;
At 53, quits gambling. Will Power;
At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.
**********************************************************
Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?
Tindero: One way.
Kano : Meg-kanow?
Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.
Kano : Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?
Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?!
**********************************************************
Erap: Kalokohan! Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganun kataba!
Loi: S'an ang balitang yan?
Erap: Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi; 'British tourist lost 2000 pounds.'
**********************************************************
MMDA (with pen and ticket to a traffic violator): Name?
Foreigner Driver: Wilhelm Von Corgrinski Papakovitz.
MMDA: Ahhh okay.....(sabay tago ticket)...Next time be careful, ok?
**********************************************************
BF: Sunduin kita mamaya, ha? Bubusina na lang ako pag nasa harap na 'ko ng bahay n'yo.
GF: Sige. Anong sasakyan ang dala mo?
BF: Wala. Busina lang...
**********************************************************
(Nag-aapply si Tomas na security guard...)
Interviewer: Ang kailangan namin ay taong laging
may suspicious mind, highly alert, insistent
personality, strong sense of hearing with a killer
instinct. Sa tingin mo ba qualified ka?
Tomas: Sa palagay ko po hindi. Pwede po bang yun
misis ko na lang ang mag-apply?
**********************************************************
Always remember, when SHE cancels a date, she HAS TO.
But....when HE cancels a date...... he HAS TWO.
**********************************************************
Junior: 'Nay, bibili ako ng HIGH CAKE.
Nanay: Hindi 'high cake', anak - HOT CAKE 'yun.
Junior: Ok 'nay, whatever. Pahingi na lang ng pera.
Nanay: Sige, kumuha ka na lang d'yan sa SOLDIER BAG ko.


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Hehehe.  Pepep.  Pepep...


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Ha..ha..ha..he....he.....he.....he.  ho...ho...ho.
Unsaon pagkatawa ang amang?....."Mongisi ra....

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kahibaw mo ngano gi nganlan ni bill gates iya company microsoft?

sa dihang naglibog siya unsa iya e name sa iya bag-o company, nag CR si Bill Gates
sa pagduko niya, naka hunahuna siya ug name...........

MICROSOFT... cuz he was describing his...... hehehe!

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Naa ko amigo na insik  ga tumar ug viagra.   Pero ang purpose pag pangihi lang.   

Kay ug dili kono sya motumar ug viagra,  mabasa iyang pundiyo pagpangihi  pero ug maka tumar  mo shoot gyud sa urinal ...  hehe        



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Hehe.   Lipay ko Ms. D kay fireday este friday na diri karon sa pinas.   Duha ka adlaw lunes na pud, kayod na pud.  Haaaay  kinabuhing pobre.       hehe.


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bwahahha!

kaluoy sa mga ESKOL!

gikalingawan!

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                     ha..ha....hee......he....he.....ho....ho...ho.....

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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the
last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get
even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. 
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. 
"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. 

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding
that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,
they open the door.

 "Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds ?"




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Whahaha.Hik Hik..

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A Blonde is  on the bus when she suddenly realizes .. she needs to fart.

The music is really loud, so she times her farts with the beat.  After a couple of songs, she starts to feel better as she approaches her stop.
 
As she was leaving the bus, people are really staring her down, and that's when she remembers: she's been listening to her ipod.

             

Katawa pud mo uy.  Ang dili mo katawa kay section D.  hehe


 


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Ego na lang ko mokatawa...ha,,,,,ha...........ha. ... he,,,he,,,he...........

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Whahaha.

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hehehehhe lagpot man akong laway ari.

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nyahahahahahaha...

bai Bedz, tlagsa na man tawn ka moduaw ngari...asa man diay ka cgeg golf....may pa ka cgeg exercise og golf, ako tawn hangtod lng sa gulp, gulp   aw panagsa line dancing sab diay  

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Itampo pud nako ning gi-forward lang sa ako. No offense to YAYAs kay ako, nagYAYO man pud ko sa una sa akong mga anak:

1.    Yaya buys food at McDo.
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?”
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.”
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.”
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
3. Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.
Doc: “Bottlefed?”
Woman: “Brea - stfed po.”
(Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)
Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.”
Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------
4. The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten.
She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor:
“Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------

5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.
Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer
kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…”
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”
(Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!”
------------ --------- --------- -----------

8. Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform.
I angrily asked her, “Paano mo naman nasunog to?”
She answered: “Secret!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------
9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out :
“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”
Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------
11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”
Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”
Mom: “It’s up to you.”
(During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?”
Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko,
sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
12. Our neighbor’s yaya: “Junjun, chew your mouth!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can
at isang Sprite na Coke in can…”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”
INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.
She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?”
------------ --------- --------- ---------
16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.
Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”
Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
18. Neighbor’s yaya telling her ward to climb down the stairs:
“Down to earth! Down to earth!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
19. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.
Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,
“Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.
So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun.
Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:
“Parang Watson’s yata…”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
21. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”
Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------
22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”
Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?”
------------ --------- --------- ---------
23. (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)
Kuya: “Yaya…”
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”
Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?”
------------ --------- --------- ---------
25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired:
“Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo.
At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------
26. Yaya to my brother: “Nag tothbrush ka na ng ipin?”
Bro: “Siyempre, alangan namang mag toothbrush ako ng kilikili!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
27. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):
“Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
28. We had a yaya who claimed she was being courted by a kapre
in her province and wanted to take her to his kingdom.
Her reason for turning down the offer to be his queen?
“Kapre yun ma’am, malaki ang kwan nun! Wag na uy!”
------------ --------- --------- ---------
29. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
30. Yaya picking up the phone saying: “ Hilo ?”
We noticed that she was holding the handset ng baligtad.
We told her, “Yaya, baliktad!”
Then Yaya said: “Lohi?”
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
31. Amo: Yaya use COOLING PLACE in a sentence.   
Yaya: Sir! viry easy! iksample nagring yung phone,
(ring, ring, ring,) Yaya answered, " HILO , WHO'S COOLING PLACE?"


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ha..ha......ha.....ha...... ha..    katawa sa kalipay


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Sir, mas maajo pay tangtangon ang nawong nga nagtabon sa orig nga face kay mas tsada tan-awon.

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Bai Jams,

Daghan man local players nato pero murag mao ni mga top players:

1.  Frankie Minoza  - japan, asia and european tour player
2.  Angelo Que       - asia and european tour player.  the only filipino to participate in the last US Open last June.
3.  Juvic Pagunsan - asian tour
     Tony Lascuna   - asian tour
     Mars Pucay       - asian tour
     Elmer Salvador -  Ni champion ra gyud imong paisano sa Sherwood Hills Cavite gahapon. Congrats Elmer !!!
     Temio Murakami - asian tour
     Danny Zarate  (comeback)
     Jerome Deliarte - asian tour
     Ferdie Aunzo
     Richard Sinfuego
     Cassius Casas
     Rey Pagunsan
     Sangil
     etc.
4.  Jamo2x   
5.  Bedo               

Ako neng walay laing pinaka maot diri during the invitational professional-amateur tournament last July 8-10 with returning veteran pro Danny Zarate.  Naka apil lang ko ane kay na invite unya libre tanan pakals breakfast & lunch, giveaways, umbrellas & caddie/cart fee.  Dili ko gadula ug dili libre. Salamat ni Don Pocholo Razon sa ICTSI.   



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So naa ka karon sa FL bai Jam? Pagka hayahay ba nimo sige man lang kag suroy. hehe. 
Bala bala sa ko trabajo diri manila para naay pang gulf gulp.  Sige bagjo diri karon.  Balik ko CDO pag makatulis ko diri.    



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next two weeks pa...starting this Sat, piskot cge nag golf ang nauna didto, 5 mi kabook...nag driving range lng ko dri waaaaaaaahhhehehe makantyawn na sab ko anih, pildi man ahahahaha, ge lng sadya btaw. 



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Mangatawa sa ta. True episode ni sa TV.

"Sis" is a talk show here in RP with Gelli and Janice de Belen as hosts. Guest of the day was a  controversial starlet named Marian Rivera, ka-love team of an actor named Dingdong Dantes.

Gelli: "How do you find Dingdong, Marian?"
Marian: Nakita ko siya kanina sa lobby.

Ug miyuhom na lang si Gelli. 

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marian is all beauty but no brains and all the people is philippines showbiz world know it.
she's like an elephant with a monkey brain. sorry marian fans but that's the truth. we all know that reality hurts.  im a fan of her though.

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Hala noh!

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simple question, simple answer.

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ahehehe managna na diay ka dabs...fiesta na sab ni...
golf or tennis in da morning,

swimming, fishing/crabbing afternoon,

videoke, line dancing, party every night, at dfiferent host/house every night... 
as one of my friends wud say, 'this is life, ahhhhhhhh dabest!'



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hala mahilig sad ka ug line dancing Jams? naay line dancing diri gikabuangan sa mga puti, kadtong SHUFFLE nindot baja...taym akong pangitaon..


ah dia ra:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1M9ELEp9ILA

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Thanks for posting this. I will practice this kind of line dancing. I love it.

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Magbinogoy sa ta.

Lalaking tiguang na Bol-anon ni konsulta sa iyang doktor.

Tiguang.....:  Dok, sa akong edad nga 70, unsay imong ekatambang nga sex position?

Doktor.......:  Uy iyo, dapat mag suway ka ug "Doggie" position !!!

Tiguang.....:  Unsa nang doggie position,  iniro ?

Doktor.......:  Dili.  Simhot simhot nalang ba murag iro...

 


Happy weekend everyone !



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Iyo,  dapat magbag-o ka ug antipara kay di na ka kaila unsa kunot ug kuan.  hehe


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Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call  Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of
government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the  generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course,Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and
will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as
 a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself astiff one. Obviously
we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned"stiff  drink".. Pepsi will market the new concoction
by the name of: MOUNT  & DO.
 
 Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research.. This means that  by 2040, there should be
a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

         
If you don't send this to five old   friends right away there will be five fewer people
laughing in the world




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 Host.....:  If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do it?'
Contestant:  That is a very good and easy question but is hard to answer.. He! He! He!

Hehe.


Host........... :  In your own words, how will you describe Tagbilaran  more or less ?
Constestant:  More sir.
Host............:  What ?
Contestant..:  I mean less sir.
   




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I am really amused, katawa pawala sa kapoy  gikan sa trabaho,
   

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fdaray, nisamot kog kaluyag katawa sa ipong post,
   

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Five signs nga ang lalaki nagkatigulang na:

1.      Layo ang panan-aw, nagkaduol ang pagpangihi.

2.      Molingkod magduka, naghigda dili makatulog.

3.      Nakadumdum pa sa nangagi, nalimtan ang karon.

4.      May gihuna-huna ang taas, walay mahimo ang ubos.

5.      Sa una gahi nga naghulat, karon maghulat kanus-a mogahi.   




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Wafu man diay neng akong pare Ms. Raquel.   


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Ingon pas taga Valencia diri, tiguang bitaw pero paniti di ba murag maiz anagon.   


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whahahaha i love this! abi naho ug kami rang mga babaye ang matigulang.  I used to hear what the  opposite says:  "Men will never get older but wiser"! Bedo, good job! Just put in mind that "Sex of the olds ...banat nalang ug Kaon ug lami"

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Kana nga picture sa akong bana maot na heheheh pero gwapo ni siya in person ug naa pay jutay buhok sa atubangan.Di na siya photogenic picturan jud lahi ra,di gani na siya ganahan picturan kay upaw kono siya tan awon sa resulta ang ang kay pinaskin head man pud ug tupi.Sija ray mag awot awot sa iyang jutay na nga buhok.
Bol-anon kaajo nig kinaija very kind and generous ug prudent sa kwarta.

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yaya at si SIR

si SIR: yaya, kaw ba yong nasa loob ng CR? kukunin ko lang toothbrush ko

yaya: sandali lang po! naka-panty  lang ako.

si SIR: okey, antay lang ako sa labas.

yaya: SIR, pasok na po! wala na ako PANTY!

 

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IF MY BODY WERE A CAR.... If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?
Perti nakong qualifya ani.hehhehe

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Dawo

Si Pedro nakit-an ni Juan nga naghiwa ug pinya.

Juan: Uy, unsa man na pinya? hatagi ko beh?
Pedro: HatagI? diin man sa dihang nagtanum pa? Diin man ka sa dihang nag-antos ko ug padako ani?
Juan: Napriso ko, nakapatay ko ug dawo nga tawo.
Pedro: A mao ba? luyoa pug ka oi. O sige kuha na ari, naa pay kapayas didto. gusto ka kuhaan tika?

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from BNC:
Dawo

Si Pedro nakit-an ni Juan nga naghiwa ug pinya.

Juan: Uy, unsa man na pinya? hatagi ko beh?
Pedro: HatagI? diin man sa dihang nagtanum pa? Diin man ka sa dihang nag-antos ko ug padako ani?
Juan: Napriso ko, nakapatay ko ug dawo nga tawo.
Pedro: A mao ba? luyoa pug ka oi. O sige kuha na ari, naa pay kapayas didto. gusto ka kuhaan tika?  




bwahahahhaha! paita sad ana oi! hahahhaha!

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hahahahhahahhah

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goliat ug teban

goliat: noy teban, ngano man nang mga babaye sa india nga duna may pula nga dot sa ilang agtang?
teban: kuan man gud na goliat. nagtuo man gud na sila nga siopao ilang ulo maong gibutangan nila ug pula nga tuldok. ilhanan na kung asado ba ug bolabola.


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revised version:

Asawa gipaak ug lamok:

Asawa: daghanang lamok oi! iyota ko hon be

Bana: unsay pagtuo nimo sa akong oten baygon katol kay makapatay ug lamok!

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hmmmmmmmmmm

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