Sex and The Single-Minded Woman
Oct 01, 2009 04:30 AM
Vinay Menon
Ladies, could you please stop discussing your sex lives with pollsters?
Why must you share intimate details with complete strangers? Don't you already share this stuff with your girlfriends?
I can hear an indignant chorus of denials: "We never talk about our sex lives!" Please. You do.
At parties, on the street, in restaurants, I have overheard women debriefing one another with carnal intelligence reports. Declassified without the permission of the poor bastard under horizontal investigation, these reports are shockingly candid, often including annotated subsections that cover duration, technique, frequency, even size (!). If the report is positive, the woman will speak loudly as her coterie of trusted advisers chortle uncontrollably and say things such as, "You are so lucky," and "You go, girl!"
If the report is negative – the ones that go public tend to be grim – the woman will deliver her confessional in a throaty whisper. She will pause frequently. Her eyes will moisten. And her gal pals will shake their heads with sympathy, offering rejoinders such as, "That is unbelievable," and "Why don't you buy him a book?"
By contrast, men do not jabber endlessly about sex. This is a cultural myth, a treacherous lie that was no doubt started by a woman who suddenly felt guilty after doing an impression of her partner's bedroom eyes for the cheap amusement of her posse during a spa day. We men may think about sex. We may think about it too much.
But on those rare occasions when we actually talk about sex, it is never about you.
A man's sex life is sacred and wondrous and, quite often, baffling. To talk about it is to risk jinxing something. That's why if you eavesdrop on a group of men at a pub, you are more likely to hear half-soused banter about sports, politics, work or the orange bikini Halle Berry wore in Die Another Day.
As for market research, forget it. We would never participate in a steamy survey, especially one that carried the potential to inflict great psychological harm on the opposite sex. The same can't be said for the 15,000 women in 20 countries who recently took part in a poll titled, "The World's Worst Lovers."
Released this week by One Poll, a global research company, the data ranks countries by how their males perform in the sack.
Achtung! To the men of Germany, I can say only this: Never mind the luxury sedans and precision timepieces. You might consider spending more R&D money on deodorant technology.
You guys are now considered the World's Worst Lovers thanks to the female blabbermouths in your midst who characterize you as, and I quote, "too smelly."
The rest of this vile Top 10 is as follows: 2. England (too lazy);
3. Sweden (too quick); 4. Holland (too dominating); 5. America (too rough); 6. Greece (too soppy); 7. Wales (too selfish); 8. Scotland (too loud); 9. Turkey (too sweaty); 10. Russia (too hairy).
I mean, honestly. Can you imagine the outrage if an equivalent poll was released about women? Every man who participated, presumably at gunpoint, would be rushed into a witness protection program. And then –
Hang on. I just noticed something. The poll also ranked the World's Best Lovers. What's this? Canada is No. 10? Canadian males are among the best, right after our counterparts in Spain, Brazil, Italy, France, Ireland, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand and Denmark?
Huh.
Ladies, ignore today's dispatch.
I did not spend enough time massaging the hypothesis before jumping into the action.
No hard feelings. It was simply premature exasperation.
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