MikeLigalig.com

What are three things you want to see in your married life?

How do you demonstrate love to a person

What type of partner would you choose for yourself?

What is something you've always wanted to tell someone in the world

What was the most outrageous lie you ever told

So far, what is the greatest accomplishment in your life?

How do you value money?

What one place would you never want to return to? Why?

How do you react to people who dislike you?

Illinois paint shop assistant Lee DeWyze has won the ninth season of the American Idol talent contest.

He overcame his shyness to impress judges and viewers with his spirit and soulful voice, beating bluesy musician and judges' favourite Crystal Bowersox.

"I have never been happier in my life," he said after scooping the title and a recording contract which will launch with his version of U2's Beautiful Day.

The finale also made the most of Simon Cowell's last appearance as a judge.

DeWyze's victory was based on votes cast after Tuesday's performance show, which drew more judges' compliments for Ohio's Bowersox. - BBC

Please share your thoughts on the recent American Idol Winner

Israeli prosecutors have charged two Israeli Arab activists with spying for Hezbollah, it has been revealed.

Amir Makhoul and Omar Sayid confessed that they passed information about Israeli bases to the Lebanese militant and political group, the charges say.

They sent information to their Lebanese contacts over the internet using sophisticated encryption programmes, prosecutors said.

Lawyers for the accused men say their confessions were made under duress.

The men were interrogated by Shin Bet, the Israeli secret service. - BBC

The evergreen river and virgin ornaments that abound the scenic Loboc River can now be better appreciated by tourists from cable car and a zipline.

This with the launching yesterday of the P4.7 million Loboc Eco-Tourism Adventure Park which adventure activities would cross the scenic Loboc River where the famous floating restaurants abound.

The zipline which is the second to Danao's EAT (Eco-Adventure Tour) will cross the 520-meter distance from barangay Gotozon to barangay Himili-an, giving tourists a perfect bird's eye view of the river and its river banks. The Busay falls at the upper end of the famous Loboc River Cruise is captured with a full overview when one takes the zipline or the cable car.
         
The cable car traverses a distance of 420 meters.

Both activities assure tourists of the best scenery at a height of between 100 to 120 meters over the river.

Re-elected Mayor Leon Calipusan led town officials in welcoming guests during yesterday's soft opening together with former Rep. Eladio Jala taking the inaugural ran of the cable car.

The opening of the Loboc Eco-Tourism Adventure Park is the second of the same concept in the province.

Danao pioneered this adventure-type of a destination. Aside from the zipline, Danao takes pride of "The Plunge," the first and only in the country today. Other activities in Danao are root climbing, caving, kayaking and river tubing. - bohol chronicle

By Bohol Chronicle
Police Prov'l Director Rodolfo Llorca yesterday formalized the creation of "Kontra Tulis Task Force" bent on cracking down hold-uppers who recently escalated their operations here.

The newly designated provincial PNP director told the Chronicle that he is personally heading this task force with the support of the joint forces of SWAT, the Provincial Public Safety Co. (formerly the Provincial Mobile Group), the intelligence and the Criminal and Investigation Group (CIDG).

The creation of the task force came after the latest robbery holdup which victimized a Caltex gasoline station Friday night along CPG North Ave.

Checkpoints will be intensified at entry points in the city, Llorca said

LATEST HOLD-UP
Four unidentified suspects swooped down the gasoline station and the mini-mart declaring it was a hold-up.

James Dalogdog, gasoline boy said the suspects were on board an XRM Honda 125 and Honda wave, both without plate numbers. The back-rider pulled his firearm and poked at the cashier, Aillen Jintalian.

In a few minutes, the four rushed out from the gas station carting away P4,000. The hold-up jolted residents in the area as the suspect fired six consecutive shots aimed at the guard house before leaving the area. The security guard failed to fire back at the suspects.

SWINDLERS NAB

Director Llorca commended the tourist police based in Panglao for rounding up three suspected swindlers from Mindanao who attempted to victimize Boholanos with their sale of US federal notes.
         
Arrested were Jobert Montimor, 28 of Soler st., Zamboanga City, Renato Callorina, 53, a DENR employee based in Tambugan, Zamboanga City and Pedro Tubera, 73 of Cagayan de Oro City,

The trio were nabbed after almost closing a deal with a resort owner in Panglao who already paid them P150,000 cash in exchange for gold coins which they earlier showed through pictures.

Montimor claimed they got six boxes of gold coins in Zamboanga City.

TASK FORCE MEMBER NABBED

City task force member Constantino "Jongjong" Garcia was rounded up during a raid conducted by SWAT operatives at his residence near Camp Dagohoy.

The arrest came after Llorca issued his marching orders to the SWAT troops to apprehend armed members of the civilian task force organized by City Mayor Dan Lim.

Seized from Garcia during the raid was a firearm and suspected shabu.

Garcia was release after posting a bail of P80,000.

On election day, members of the task force were involved in indiscriminate firing incidents.

Atoy Torralba, son of former mayor Joe Torralba identified the armed city task force members as Garcia, Guido Lopena and Filbert Ingles.

Lopena and Ingles remain at large. Ingles was the drug suspect whose house in Lindaville subdivision in Dao, this city, was raided by SWAT operatives couple of months ago. Ingles who was already confronted by the raiding team managed to escape after he entered a room which has a secret exit-door. Ingles was seen roaming around the city even after the filing of charges against him for possession of illegal drugs.

Bohol Chronicle: The election results in the Tubigon were rigged, declared Mayor Luna Piezas who lost 16.9% to mayoralty bet William Jao in the May 10 polls.

Piezas said he was a victim of a "pre-programmed compact flash card" which manipulated the results of the local elections in his hometown.

The revelation of Mayor Piezas came amid the recent expose of a whistleblower in Manila that vice presidentiable Jejomar Binay allegedly paid P1 billion to ensure his victory in this election.

Three straw voting conducted prior the elections showed he will win in the election especially that he was the incumbent mayor. He recalled that he even won in 2007 as an opposition bet.

Piezas said his lawyers are now gathering evidences to question a trend which they found in the election results not just in Tubigon but in other municipalities as well.
        
A 60% - 40% trend is noted in the mayoralty races in at least seven municipalities where the declared winners surprised the electorates.

"Even the line up of the candidates for kagawads was controlled by the pre-programmed compact flash cards," Piezas said.

Piezas said that even a priest who campaigned for him expressed surprise on his defeat in election returns in Tubigon.

He expressed surprise why Tagbilaran City Mayor Dan Lim who went out of his way to Tubigon told supporters of his opponent that he (Piezas) will surely not win in Tubigon.

Mayor Piezas said he will file the formal complaint before the local courts.

Meanwhile, Comelec sources said that electoral protest for bets in cities will file their complaint with Comelec central offices in Manila. However, complaints from the towns will be filed at the local court.

Petition for recount will require court decision, in the case of those coming from the municipalities.
However, complaints from the city will be heard by Comelec.

MACEDA CONFIRMS

Former Senator Ernesto Maceda confirmed Tuesday that the Partido ng Masang Pilipino (PMP) was offered the services to tamper the results of the election.

During a long distance interview with Maceda over dyRD last Tuesday, he confirmed that the compact flash cards were re-programmed to make certain candidates win.

The offer was between P30 to P50 million to rig the results of the election.

Power service interruptions are expected to be experienced this week while hydro electric sources continue to register shortfall of water.

Bohol surprisingly has almost the same peak hours in the daytime and nighttime while the province is not spared from the hot summer temperature worsen by the El Nino phenomenon.

The peak load would require 58 mega power in the entire province.
         
During this shortfall of rains, the Hanopol hydro plant generates 2 mega only, instead of 5 while the Loboc hydro gives out 800 watts instead of 1.2 mega. The Sevilla mini hydro contributes 1.5 mega power supply (instead of 2.5 mega) while the Dampas diesel power plant generates 10 mega, instead of 16 mega.

Bohol power sources total to 14.8 mega while the peak load requirement is 58 mega. The difference of 43 mega is being supplied by the Leyte geothermal power plant as the source of electricity.

The Leyte power sources are also limited in its output these days due to the shortfall of rain. This is one of the reasons why the power situation in the entire Visayas remains volatile for long brownouts or even blackout. - Bohol Chronicle

During what time do you like yourself most? Why?

How do you respond to criticism?

What childish things do still do as an adult?

What do you want to do in your old age

What is your favorite subject in college?

What is your favorite subject in high school?

Are you contented with the way you look? Why?

What do you do when you feel lonely?

What are you willing to sacrifice to get ahead in your job?

What are the traits that you dislike in a person

What is your favorite TV program? How does it influence you?

This thread focuses on the life of Manny Pacquiao as a congressman and boxer.
You can post here boxing photos and other related political news.


Manny Pacquiao and Bill Clinton


Manny Pacquiao and Ricky Hatton

With a disturbing rise in crimes, pollution, and traffic Metro Manila isn't such a nice place to live, according to a global survey on quality of life.

Of 221 cities sampled in its 2010 Worldwide Quality of Living Survey released Wednesday, business solutions consultant Mercer said Manila placed 128th on a score of 69.9 from 70.9 in the 2009 survey.

The 221 cities were ranked against New York as the base city with an index score of 100.

Key cities of Southeast Asia "saw little change in quality of living index scores this year," Mercer said. "But some cities, including Manila, continue to be affected by low levels of internal stability, traffic congestion, and air pollution."

Manila failed to significantly improve its living conditions among the 221 cities where foreigners live, the Mercer study â€" conducted from September to November last year â€" found.

Neighboring Singapore ranked 28th in the survey, because of its growing importance as a financial hub and wider range of international schools and housing for expatriates.

While Hong Kong slid by a notch to 71st, Kuala Lumpur and Bangkok climbed to 74th and 118th, respectively.

Still, Manila stayed ahead of neighbors Jakarta, Hanoi, Ho Chi Minh, Hanoi and Phnom Penh.

Vienna, Zurich, Geneva, Vancouver and Auckland made it to the top slots, but Mercer named Baghdad, Bangui, N'Djamena, Khartoum and Tbilisi as the worst cities to live in.

"As the world economy becomes more globalized, cities in many emerging markets, such as the Middle East or Asia, have seen a significant influx of foreign companies and their expatriate employees in recent years," Mercer said in the notes to the survey.

"Despite the economic downturn and companies' efforts to contain costs, quality of living and hardship premiums remain important means of compensating expatriates for differences in living conditions," said Slagin Parakatil, Marcer’s senior researcher.

Mercer also released a list that ranked cities with the best ecological resources in living standards based on water availability and drinkability, waste removal, quality of sewage systems, air pollution, and traffic congestion.

In the ranking of 221, Manila placed 172nd on a score of 62.8. There was no comparative index for 2009.

On top of the list were Calgary, Honolulu, Ottawa, Helsinki and Wellington. At the bottom were Port-au-Prince, Dhaka, Baku, Kolkata and Antananarivo. - GMA News

There are several varieties of strollers. Some are designed for specific users, such as lightweight strollers and joggers,  other strollers are intended for more everyday use. Irrespective of the type of stroller you are purchasing, here are some considerations to look at before you buy your new stroller.

Make absolutely sure the stroller comes  with a proper, and effective, restraint system. At the minimum, look for a three-point restraint that wraps the waist and comes up between the legs. The latch should be comfortable up against your child. If you are purchasing a jogging stroller, make sure you get a five-point restraint system (shoulder straps) since jogging will lead to your child being jostled about. The shoulder straps must keep them in place well even when jogging.

Be sure the stroller has a brake. For most casual strollers, this will just be a parking brake. Make sure it works reliably and is easy to use. For jogging strollers, you should also insist on a brake that can be used to brake the stroller while jogging. Be certain that the brake is easy to use and that you can lock up the tire(s) without too much effort.

Just about every stroller has a mechanism that permits the stroller to be folded up for travel. Make sure that you can easily fold the stroller up by yourself; it's not much fun to be standing in a parking lot in the foul weather desperately trying to fold your stroller. Even more critical than how easy the stroller is to fold, consider how secure it is when it is open. Be certain that when opened, there is a reliable locking mechanism that keeps the stroller from folding accidentally. If this happens when your child is in the stroller, serious injury can result.

Try out the stroller and see how comfortable it is to operate. You should be able to operate the stroller with one hand. Strollers with both front and rear swivel wheels will be easier to operate. Strollers with wheels that only move in one direction are usually more awkward to steer.

Check out the height of the handle. The stroller will be easier to operate if the handle is at waist  level. For most averaged sized people, this will not be an issue. But if you are very tall or short, you should consider a stroller with a handle that can be adjusted.

Look for features that can make your child more comfortable when riding in the stroller. These include reclining seats (makes nappy time easier); comfortable padding; canopies to protect and against sun, rain, and wind; cup holders and bins for snacks.

Be sure that the stroller has plenty of storage space for things like diaper bags, bags used when shopping, changes of clothes, etc. The more storage you have, the happier you will be with your stroller.

All kids make messes. If your kids are especially prone to spilling, try to find a stroller with removable fabric covers over the seats. Removable or not, make sure that the fabric on the stroller can  be cleaned with water and mild detergent. While a specially designed fabric may look great  new, if it can't be washed the shine will quickly fade.

Carefully check the frame of the stroller for sharp edges or things that can poke or snag. Also look for gaps that could trap small fingers and toes. Check the leg openings of the stroller; make certain that they are not wide enough for an infant to accidentally slip through them.

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of a hammock? We probably share the same thought, relaxing and enjoying a cool breeze under a shady tree on a warm summer afternoon. Perhaps you think of a particularly comfortable hammock overlooking an island beach paradise.

Did you know there are well over 300 different styles of hammocks to choose from? Some hammocks have spreader bars, some not. Some have fringe, some not. Some have scalloped edges, some not. Some are single width, some double. From the well loved Pawleys Island rope hammocks which reminds everyone of relaxing on the beach in South Carolina, to a soft and comfortable Mayan woven hammock, to what I consider the hammock of my childhood, the pool hammock, there is a style and color for everyone.

The rope hammock will support your body firmly, but gently. They are made of durable and non mildew roping that can withstand weather on the beach.

The Mayan hammock is one that is very lightweight and thinly woven yet one that will hold up to one thousand pounds. When you climb into a Mayan hammock you are cocooned in cool comfort.

The pool hammock has come a long way. I remember ours was a green canvas. Now using waterproof and sun proof fabrics pool hammocks come in an endless choice of colors and patterns. They are known for their quick drying ability.

After you have chosen the type of hammock that suits your needs now you have to decide on what type of hammock stand you want. Hammock stands come in designs made from durable outdoor woods, such as cypress and also of high quality steel with non-rusting finishes. Most steel stands hold between 450 pounds and 600 pounds. If you plan to hang your hammock between two trees you'll want to look into hanging kits offered by the manufacturers. These kits include everything you'll need to hang your hammock, the lag and eye bolts, spring links, and rope. If you are worried about damaging your trees with metal chains there are soft hammock tree straps made of polyester which wrap around your tree preventing damage. Check with the manufacturer to make sure that you have ample space between trees to safely hang your hammock.

A head lice infestation is one of the most uncomfortable health conditions to cope with, in addition to this; permanently ridding your house of lice can be an extremely difficult task. For these reasons, it is always best to take precautions against you, or anyone in your household becoming infested.
One of the most important steps you can take as a precaution against a head lice infestation is to learn as much as you can about these insects, and how they are spread. It’s important to understand that anyone can catch head lice, no matter what their race or social standing is. Head lice are found in all countries, cultures, and social classes.

Head lice do not discriminate when it comes to whose head they choose to take up residence on. People with good hygiene can be infested just as fast as someone with bad hygiene.
Once this concept is understood, you can then tackle the preventative measures that will need to be taken to ensure that you avoid a head lice infestation.
If you have school aged children, it is essential that you examine their head on a regular basis for signs of head lice. It is this age group that is most often infested, especially girls, as they like to share hair accessories and hats. If you are checking your child’s head on a regular basis, you will likely catch it before it becomes very bad. The sooner you catch a head lice infestation, the easier it will be to get rid of.

Talk to your children about not sharing personal items with other children at school, such as hats, scarves, combs, etc. This is very important, as this is usually how head lice spreads.
If you become aware that someone you, or your children has frequent contact with has become infested with head lice, immediately check everyone’s hair in the house. Head lice spreads very quickly, and you may become infested before you even know someone near you has it. Even if you find nothing during the examination, continue checking on a daily basis for quite some time, as it may take a little while before you can detect them. In addition, even if the infected person close to you treats the head lice infestation, they could very easily become re-infested.

The most important thing to remember about avoiding a head lice infestation is to be diligent, especially when there are children in the house.

Back pain is so common in America that 75% of the population will experience it in their lifetimes. Since back pain affects middle age people it has a huge affect on the economy. Studies have shown that low pack pain is a leading cause of work absentees.

Back pain being the substantial problem that it is, it is important to know the causes of back pain as well as how to prevent it.

Causes of Back Pain

Muscle Strain
The leading cause of back pain is due to a simple muscle strain. At some point an individual may have an event that causes their muscle to spasm. These strains will relax in a matter of weeks.

Ruptured Disc
A ruptured disc, or herniated disc, is another cause of back pain. Treatment may vary depending on many factors. Consult your physician for proper treatment.

Discogenic Back Pain
This type of back pain may be a leading cause of low back pain. This type of pain is the result of damage to the intervertabral disc.

Arthritis
Arthritis is a disease that affects joints in the fingers, wrists, and knees. Lumbar spine arthritis can affect the joints within the spine itself. Arthritis would cause you to have pain when you were moving.

There are many other factors that determine a person’s probability of having back pain. Age, weight, and past injuries are all factors that can cause lower back pain. Let’s take a look into ways to prevent future back pain.

Ways to Prevent Back Pain

Live a Healthy Lifestyle
One of the best things you can do to prevent lower back pain is to maintain a healthy weight. Being overweight puts enormous pressure on your lower back. Maintaining a healthy core, or abdominal muscles, will help you support your back by providing proper posture.

Exercise
You hear exercise as being the answer to preventing just about every medical condition on record. So much so, we tend to ignore it. Living an active lifestyle will increase muscle tone, decrease fat, and reduce levels of stress. Each of the factors plays a role in back pain. Muscle tone keeps your body strong and able function at optimal levels. Fat has a tendency to gather around the waist and hips. This puts undo strain on your lower back. Overall stress decreases the ability for the body to heal itself when it is injured.

Lift Properly
When you lift, lift with your knees. Try to keep your back straight and force the weight through your legs and knees. Generally, your legs are the most muscular part of your body. These muscles are much more capable of handling stress and weight than your back muscles.

In less than a year the Sudoku bug has infected huge numbers of the UK population, and it is fast spreading across the world! Why has a simple logic puzzle become so popular, and how can your kids benefit?

Sudoku puzzles were first published in the US in the 1970s and are sometimes known as "Number Squares". They have been popular for many years in Japan, where the name "Sudoku" (meaning "single number") was coined. The current craze was started late in 2004 when a UK newspaper started publishing the puzzles. Within weeks the puzzles were picked up in other newspapers and Sudoku became the pastime of choice for commuters, parents â€" and even kids!

From a parent’s point of view, Sudoku puzzles are perfect for long journeys, waiting rooms, and rainy afternoons. They are being found more and more in the classroom as teachers wake up to their benefits and use them as time-fillers for children who finish early, as whole class activity, or as “homework”. Indeed, the UK government-produced Teachers magazine has recommended that Sudoku puzzles are used in the classroom as brain exercise!

As well as developing your child's logic and reasoning skills and concentration, Sudoku puzzles, if done at the right level, build your child's confidence. Children of all abilities enjoy the challenge of a Sudoku puzzle, if the puzzle is age-appropriate. Bear in mind that many of the puzzles published in newspapers are too difficult for younger children, so it is worth seeking out puzzles made especially for kids. Children as young as five years old can try the 4x4 grids, then build up to the 6x6 grids and finally the traditional 9x9 grid.

Why are Sudoku so appealing? Firstly, although Sudoku grids usually use numbers, your child does not need mathematical skills to solve the puzzles â€" only logic. Using logical reasoning appropriate to his/her age, your child decides how to place numbers into a Sudoku grid. There is only one correct answer for each puzzle, no guessing is necessary, and the rules are easy to learn. The more puzzles you do, the better you become. Each puzzle typically takes a child about 20-30 minutes to complete, and gives them a real sense of satisfaction when finished!

And that, really, is the secret of their popularity. You feel good when you finish one! And then you want to try another one, and another

Our environment is suffering and our resources are depleting because we use too much of everything. Did you know that taking small steps to save our environment can also help you save money? If you follow one or all of the tips below, you can actually see real savings on your energy bill. You don't need to do everything but you can do something.

In a typical U.S. home, appliances and electronics make up about 20% of energy use. The first step is to look for Energy Star labels when buying appliances and products. Energy Star labels are strict guidelines created by the U.S. Department of Energy and Environmental Protection Agency for energy efficiency. Follow some of these tips to help make the environment better for our future generations and save money at the same time.

Light bulbs: Use energy saving CFLs (Compact Fluorescent Light bulbs) instead of the conventional incandescent light bulbs. Although CFLs cost 3-5 times as much as the incandescent light bulb, CFLs only use one-quarter of the electricity and lasts years longer. Each CFL bulb contains 5mg of mercury so you will have an extra item to sort in the recycling bin.

Dishes: Never load your dishes in a dishwasher unless they are a full load. Air-dry dishes instead of using a dryer.

Laundry: Wash clothes with warm or cold water instead of hot water when you can. Instead of using a dryer, air-dry or hang your clothes on a clothes line. Don't use the dryer unless it houses a full load.

Refrigerators: Think of what you want to take out before you open the refrigerator. Leaving the door open will waste extra energy.

Take Showers, less Baths: Taking showers instead of baths will reduce water usage and also lower your heating bill.

Turn Off all Appliances Not in Use: Turn off all lights, computers, and electronics when they are not in use. Plug all your electronics such as computers, TVs, and DVDs into power strips. Using a power strip can reduce electricity used to power home appliances. Even when your appliances are turned off, energy is still being consumed from the outlet. To avoid extra energy costs, unplug the appliance or use a power strip. The power strip has an off button to cut all the power from the appliance.

Weather-Strip Windows and Doors: Check windows and doors for air leaks. Air leaks can be sealed by caulking or weather-stripping. By securing the leaks in your home, hot and cool air will be kept in your home longer. Less heating and cooling will help you save on energy costs.
 
Look for Energy Star label: Energy Star labels are only given when appliances and products meet strict guidelines of energy efficiency from U.S. Department of Energy and Environmental Protection Agency.

Most people understand how difficult it can be to balance their work and home lives once they get married and have children. Somehow it seems that work life or home life is always encroaching on the other and causing problems at work, at home, and many times both. However the following five tips are great options to help with balancing work and home.

Make a Schedule

The best thing to do when trying to balance work and home is to make a schedule. Know how much time you have and schedule your work time and your home time. Then, you will know when you need to schedule work and home events. This will make your life significantly easier and you will know which activities fit into which time frame. Just make sure you stick to your schedule.

Share Responsibilities

Many times work and home responsibilities can become overwhelming because one spouse is handling more of the responsibilities than the other. So, learn to share responsibilities at home and each spouse can be responsible for their work. Also, older children should have some home responsibilities as well to help parents balance work and home.

Leave Work at Work

Balancing home and work can be difficult because it is so easy to take work home. If you really want to balance work and home then you will always leave work at work and keep home a sacred place for family and home activities.

Dedicate Weekends to Home Activities

A great way to keep home and work separate is to always focus on home activities during weekends, or at least on days off from work if you happen to work on weekends. When certain days are home days and other days are work days then it makes balancing work and home considerably easier.

Plan

The best way to balance work and home is to always make a plan. There are tons of tips that will help you, but there is nothing like making a plan and then following the plan to really balance work and home. It might be difficult, but if you have it planned out and follow the plan you will be surprised how easy you can find a balance.

What type of music do you like to listen to? Why?

What do you do when you're home all alone?

When do you consider ambition healthy?

What one secret you just couldn't keep?

What is your greatest worry in life?

Would you die a martyr for our country? How?

What questions did you ask God when you experienced personal grief?

What is the best gift that you can give yourself? why?

Is there anything lacking in your life?

What is your favorite color? what makes you like it?

What do you often imagine yourself to be?

Do you find yourself impressive? Why?

What honest mistake have you committed that turned out to be favorable to you?

How do you comfort a friend who is broken hearted?

What style of clothing are you most comfortable in?

What is your philosophy in life?

What is the most important possession in your house? Why?

If you were born in another time, what would you like to be?

Do you consider yourself conservative or modern?

What changes would you like to see in your life?

What are things that you would not tolerate in a friendship?

What is your favorite time of day?

Do you want to get rich and famous one day? why?

What are your goals for living?

What was the worst advice you ever gave?

What was the biggest surprise you ever had?

What was one of the craziest things you ever did?

What do you have in life that you feel proud of?

If given a chance to become a moviestar, what role would you like to portray?

What is your dominant fear?

What do you want to see happen in your life at sixty?

What difficulty has challenged you most?

What makes you inspired to do something?

What would you suggest to attain contentment?

Please scroll down and post here if you see a "database error" note found at the bottom of every page of Tubag Bohol.

I want to know whether I am the only one who is getting this error? Or is everyone affected by it?

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

What men say and what they mean

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

I've gotta pee = Get out of the way.

I've gotta GO = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I get your coat? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Let me get your door. = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice Tits!

You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let's have sex now.

I love you too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Good morning. = That was great sex......let's have more!

See you later. = That was great sex......let's have more!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!

Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

Will you marry me? = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks"

While shopping

Yes, that one's nice = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?

That one looks great on you = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Uh huh = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

It makes you look fat = I'm really stupid!

What women say and what they mean

Can't we just be friends? = There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of his body touch any part of mine, again.

I just need some space = without you in it.

Do I look fat in this dress? = We haven't had a fight in a while.

No, pizza's fine = Cheap bastard!

I just do not want a boyfriend now = I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I don't know; what do you want to do? = I can't believe that you have nothing planned.

I like you, but = I don't like you.

You never listen = You never listen.

We're moving too quickly = I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'll be ready in a minute = I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself = I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.

I'm just going out with the girls = We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

There's no one else = I am doing your brother.

Size doesn't matter = unless I want an orgasm.

How to make love endure

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
(Roger, 8 )

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
(Randy, 8 )

When is it okay to kiss someone?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it."
(Jean, 10)

How a person learns to kiss

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
(Carin, 9)

What most people are thinking when they say "I love you"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)

How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
(John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad,

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."
(Christine, 9)

Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
(Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
(Bart, 9)

The personal qualities necessary to be a good lover

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8 )

Confidential opinions about love

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
(Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8 )

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)

Concerning why lovers often hold hands

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
(Dave, 8 )

On the role of good looks in love

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8 )

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine, 9)

On what falling in love is like

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)

Concerning why love happens between two particular people

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen,

The Great Debate: Is it better to be single or married?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
(Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)

When is it okay to kiss someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
(Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)

What do most people do on a date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike, 10)

What is the proper age to get married?

"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
(Judy, 8 )

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
(Tom, 5)

Mathematicians
    hunt Lions by throwing out everything that is not a Lion and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique Lion before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique Lion and then leave the detection and capture of an actual Lion to their graduate students.

Quantum Mechanics Scientists
    spend their time trying to ascertain whether a Lion is only visible when there is someone there to see it and go on to design fiendishly complicated traps for theoretical Lions involving small amounts of radioactive substances and glass vials of toxic vapour (Schrodinger's Lion).

Logicians
    don't hunt Lions; for them it is sufficient to prove the existence of Lions and Lion-hunters and an additional theorem which proves that Lion-hunters do indeed hunt Lions (at least in theory).

Computer Programmers
    hunt Lions by exercising Algorithm A.

       1. Go to South Africa
       2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
       3. Work northward, traversing the continent alternately east and west
       4. During each traverse
          a) catch all observed animals
          b) compare each animal caught to a known Lion
          c) stop when a match is detected

    Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known Lion in Cairo to ensure the Algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Hardware Engineers
    hunt Lions by catching tawny animals at random and stopping when any one of them weighs plus or minus 15% of any previously observed Lions. (Owners of overweight Red Persian Longhairs beware!)

Economists
    don't hunt Lions, but believe that if Lions are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

Politicians
    hunt Lions by cutting off their social security payments as an incentive for Lions to hunt themselves.

Protection Racketeers
    hunt Lions by making them an offer they can't refuse.

Statisticians
    hunt the first animal they see n times and call it a Lion.

Consultants
    don't hunt Lions. Many have never hunted anything at all, but can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations Research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat-size and bullet-colour to the efficiency of Lion-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the Lion.

Senior Management
    set broad Lion-hunting policy based on the assumption that Lions are just like big Red-Self Persians but with deeper voices.

Salespeople
    don't hunt Lions. They spend their time selling the Lions they haven't caught, for delivery two weeks before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for a Lion. Hardware salespeople catch Maine Coon kittens, paint them tawny and sell them as desktop Lions.

Quality Assurance Inspectors
    ignore the Lions and look for mistakes the others made when they were parking the jeep.

Cat Fanciers
    Don't hunt Lions but may attempt to breed them. However Lion-breeding strategy is affected by lack of CFA/TICA recognition of Lions and the fact that Lions don't fit into standard show-cages. Any hint of non-Lions in a 5 generation pedigree adversely affects recognition of Lions. Purists argue that any hint of non-tawny Lions (e.g. sporadic occurrence of White Lions, Dappled Lions) invalidates recognition. IRCA may already breed Genuine Lions in which case they will place advertisements which claim that Lions from other sources are half-bred or overbred lookalikes; there are rumours that they have already created the Leonoid, a cat which can be bred to any other cat and produce a Lion. Liberal-minded and progressive Lion-breeders attempt to extend the range of available Lions through outcrossing, resulting in Rex Lions (Li-Rex), Wirehair Lions, LaPerm Lions (LeoPerms), Sphynx Lions, Manx Lions (Li-Manx), Scottish Fold Lions, Spotted Lions, Colorpoint Lions (Liamese), Sepia Lions and calico Lions. Unfortunately most Lion-breeding experiments do not result in newly recognised Lion varieties, not because of genetic faults in the breeding stock, but because Lions view potential outcross mates, Lion-breeders and show judges as between-meals snacks. Miniature Lions (Lunchkins, Leo Tois, Leopuras) may solve this problem.

Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. - anonymous

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."

After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."

Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance."

The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away.

Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour", the conductor replied. "Do you realise that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electricution?",the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honour", the conductor said.

While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds,the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor scoffed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."

The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear", she replied.

At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm annoucing my retirement!", he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade,pulled the pin,and threw it into the audience.The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd.The police arrived, and he was taken away again.

"You again?",the judge asked,"I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "Ok,how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?", the judge said. "Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied.

While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last reuqest. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scoffed the bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time,but their fears were realised when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work."

The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear", she replied.

It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd band members.The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.

"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge roared.

The conductor just shrugged.

"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed, "the ****** deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away.

A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request.

"Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.

He scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away.

The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body.

His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid.

Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive!

He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"

"I've tried telling people before", he said.

"I'm just a bad conductor."

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a software engineer, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senior, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 marketing name: Fiancee 1.0. Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

   1. A "Don't remind me again" button

   2. Minimize button

   3. Shutdown feature

   4. An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

   5. A Remote control for the these features would be a nice upgrade.

I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

#include
#include
#include  /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include  /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
  {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
      market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

  }
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in   
                                                    lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time=ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vapourware=TRUE;
      break;
    }
  }
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
      say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
      break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
      say("Yes it will work");
      ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
      pretend(there_is_no_problem);
      break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
      say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
        " the 32 bits architecture");
      inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
      inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
        "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
      inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
      get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
      break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
      say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for   
        everyone");

      register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
      when(time_is_ripe)
      {
        arrest(journalist);
        brainwash(journalist);
        when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
        {
          order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
          release (journalist);
        }
      }
      break;
  }
  while (vapourware)
  {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
      break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }

  release(beta_version)
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
      {
        ignore(customer);
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this   
                                              bastard");
      }
    }
    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
    {
      divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

      marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      if (boobies_start_to_hang)
        dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
      buy_out(other_company);
    }
  }
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
     us */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone,
    for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  }
}

Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

   1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

   2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

   3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.

   4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

   5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus...

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" Transcript
[Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

[Geordi] "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

[Riker looks puzzled.] "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

[Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

[Picard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

[Data] "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

[Picard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

[Data] "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

[Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

[Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

[Data] "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

[Riker] "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

[Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

[Picard] "Data, what do your scanners show?"

[Data] "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

[Picard] "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

[Riker] "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"

[Geordi] "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

[Picard] "How much time will that buy us ?"

[Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

[Geordi] "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

[Picard] "Identify."

[Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

[Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

[Data] "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

[Picard] "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

[Riker] "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

[Data] "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

[Riker and Picard together horrified] "Lawyers !!"

[Geordi] "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

[Data] "True, but apparently some must have survived."

[Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

[Data] "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."

[Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

[Picard] "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

Carpe Diem
    Seize the Day

Carpet Diem
    Seize the Carpet

Car Payment Diem
    Seize the Checkbook

Carpe Diarrheam
    Seize the Toilet Paper

Carpe Duh
    Seize the Idiot

Carp Diem
    Fish of the Day

Crampy Diem
    Seize the Midol

Carpe Diet
    Seize the Rice Cakes

Carpe Dig'Em
    Seize the Sugar Smacks

Carpal Diem
    Seize the Knuckles

Carnal Diem
    Seize the Smut

Carpe Diplomam
    Seize the Sheepskin