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Are You Lonely?
« on: March 05, 2009, 02:26:26 AM »
One is the loneliness number
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
By Richard Handler CBC News

The other day a woman I hadn't seen in years stopped by my office. "You know my partner died," she said (I didn't). Her partner was a man she didn't live with but, for 30 years, they were intimately connected.

They spoke frequently by phone throughout the day, when she arose in the morning and just before she went to sleep at night. They shared stories, gossip, dreams and jokes and were probably bound up more closely than most married couples.

Then one day, as the obits say, he "suddenly" dropped dead from a heart attack.

"I have never felt such loneliness," this woman told me, even though she had lived alone for years. Now she was aching as if her very soul had been hollowed out. She said she now understood the true meaning of loneliness.
Drifting apart

Being lonely isn't something people tend to admit to. According to Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz, a married team of Harvard Medical School psychiatrists, many of their patients, especially women, come into their offices announcing all their troubles. (Depression? Yup, got it.)

But hardly anyone admits to being simply lonely, say the authors of The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-First Century.

Being lonely is like being in high school and admitting you're a loser, perhaps the most humiliating term in the universe (or at least North America).

Americans live in a land that is obsessed with success — social and financial — and we Canadians come a pretty close second.

We are not supposed to be lonely. But according to the "loneliness experts," many are and the condition is getting worse. Consider some of the signs.

One of the fastest growing trends in recent decades — accelerating since 2000, according to StatsCan — has been the rise in single-person households.

In 2006, they represented 26.8 per cent of all households in Canada, 27.1 per cent in the U.S. In 1940, the number was 6.8 and seven per cent, respectively.

Of course, living alone can be a sign of mobility and affluence. People who live alone could be deliriously busy (that's Americans' favourite boast, say Olds and Schwartz).

But being "deliriously busy" can be part of the problem.

As Duke University researchers report, between 1985 and 2004, the number of confidants with whom the average person discussed personal and important matters dropped from three to two.

More importantly, "the number of people who said there was no one with whom they discussed important matters, tripled." Individuals without a single confidant now make up nearly a quarter of those surveyed.

We North Americans may be texting and talking more on our cellphones, but real heart-to-heart conversations appear to be on the decline. Understandable, perhaps: it's hard to spill out your heart in 140 Twittery characters.
Human connection

Now, you might ask, what exactly is loneliness? What makes it different from, say, depression?

Psychologists have argued there is an epidemic of depression in our culture. Maybe lonely people are simply depressed, part of a plague of mood disorders.

Not according to University of Chicago psychologist, John Cacioppo, co-author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection.

Cacioppo, who has studied loneliness for 30 years, thinks it's important to make a distinction.

Depression makes you apathetic while lonely people want to "affiliate." They want human connection. Cacioppo defines loneliness as "social pain."

For Cacioppo, loneliness is a warning sign. It "triggers feelings of threat and dread." He even has a shorthand formula for the two conditions: "Loneliness reflects how you feel about your relationships. Depression reflects how you feel, period."
A downward spiral

Unfortunately, lonely people can be their own worst enemies. The research shows that lonely people are socially inept and clumsy. They trip all over themselves trying to escape from their solitary existence.

Lonely people lose the ability to "read" social cues in others. When they fail to connect, they can get more obtuse and aggressive. Other people avoid them, so they grow lonelier. Then they don't understand why they can't connect.

As the song from the band Three Dog Night laments, "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do."

We've all seen (or felt) such bumbling activity. Psychologists can actually divide up groups of people into Ins and Outs and create lonesome feelings in the lab, proving that disconnection can be manufactured.
The Loneliness Scale

Psychologists even have a test to measure the state of disconnection. It's called the UCLA Loneliness Scale. You can take it yourself.

These are the first three questions:

1.) How often do you feel unhappy doing so many things alone? 2.) How often do you feel you have no one to talk to? 3.) How often do you feel you cannot tolerate being so alone?

According to Cacioppo, loneliness is also a health issue. The immune systems in most lonely people are less robust. Like those who are depressed, lonely people get sicker. They consume more unwholesome foods.

Disconnected people also don't score as well as others on cognitive tests. IQ is probably affected by loneliness.

An unnatural condition

But here's the good news: Cacioppo is part of a new breed of evolutionary psychologists who think loneliness is an unnatural condition. It's a symptom, like physical pain, a signal that something is wrong.

Our ancient ancestors banded together in small, tribal groups. But today we live in cities of millions and don't know our neighbours. We avert our gaze from strangers. You never know who you'll provoke if your eyes meet on a big-city bus.

But there is a hopeful message in all this evolutionary psychology. It is that we humans are not built to be socially isolated.

We are "wired" for connection, say not only the psychologists but the brain scientists.

Properly attuned humans and communities regulate themselves. They form strong social ties, researchers say, which are the keys to lasting happiness.

So when you hear calls for "community" and want to dismiss them as clichés, remember that underneath the whining and cant is an evolutionary imperative. We are not intended to be solitary islands, as the good poet said.


Linkback: https://tubagbohol.mikeligalig.com/index.php?topic=18420.0
Artificial Intelligence is nothing in comparison to Natural Stupidity.

aduy

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Re: Are You Lonely?
« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2009, 03:17:07 AM »
I'm alone and homesick
If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them.

glacier_71

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Re: Are You Lonely?
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2009, 03:18:41 AM »

asa man ka karon diay, bay aduy?

aduy

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Re: Are You Lonely?
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2009, 03:35:23 AM »

dia tawon bai glac sa mundo ng langis naningpad arong naay ikapalit og bugas hehehehehe......dia ko KSA bai glac

glacier_71

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« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2009, 03:41:18 AM »

ok. layo-layo jud pod diay. may gani kay nakalugar kay sulod diri sa forum. agwanta jud lagi tungod og alang sa pamilya. murag pareho man tang tanang naa diri. ma-pinas o ma-gawas.

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« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2009, 03:49:32 AM »
layoa jud tawon bai glac, maong pagkadiskobre nako diri sa furom nia na ko kanunay og tambay diri kay laptop raman kauban nako sa room. nagsawa naman gud ko sa friendster maong palain ko og putahi ba. nag member ko didto sa bohol.com.ph mingaw man didto ui mura man og wala manglihok ang mga member maong nibalhin ko diri.

glacier_71

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« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2009, 03:54:31 AM »

ok. maayo kay nadiskobrehan nimo ni. bitaw, medyo bibo2 ning dapita kay daghan mga lihokan ug kugihan mo dokdok  diri hehehe. mga friendly pa jud. naay kolokoy, naa poy seroyoso. sulod lang bisag asa nga topic diri. makapawala man pod bitaw nis kalaay.

aduy

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« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2009, 03:57:48 AM »
bitaw bai mawala jud ang kalaay, mao ni akong buhat bago matulog hehehehehe...... one week pa ko diri sa furom. taga bohol u mismo?

glacier_71

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« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2009, 04:03:19 AM »
bohol ko bay. gatago lang ko sa akong identity diri...

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« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2009, 04:10:50 AM »

mura man og nakamabdos dah kay nagtago man. ako bitaw usbon cguro akong identity arong magpasaway sad og ginagmay hehehehe....

glacier_71

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« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2009, 12:03:21 PM »

hahaha, ayaw na lang bay pag-usab imong ID. pwede man gihapon ka pasaway bisag mailhan. hehehe.

aduy

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« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2009, 03:38:16 PM »

dili bitaw ko pasaway kay bad na sya hahahahaha. hahaiz buhay.

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« Reply #12 on: March 07, 2009, 12:49:55 AM »

bitaw pod. kung mawa imong kalaay sa maayong paagi, nganong moadto man jud ta sa dili maayo, diba?

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« Reply #13 on: March 07, 2009, 12:54:19 AM »
mao bitaw, karong adlawa laman kay day off man nako nia ra tawon sa net nakaatubang kanunay pagkahuman manghinlo og laba hehehehehe....

enjoy man sad diri kaayo!

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« Reply #14 on: March 07, 2009, 01:02:13 AM »

unsa ka lonesome diha sa KSA? wa diay mga duwa2 inyong lugar diha, like basketball? biliards?

aduy

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« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2009, 01:05:45 AM »

naa man basketball diri ang nakaparat dili man ko kamao og basketball. pwede sad mag window shopping diri. daghang mga pinoy sa mga malls nakalat lang pero mas preferred nako diri lang sa balay kay walay gastos. tan-aw ra og dvd movies, tfc og net surfing lang.

naa gani association diri sa mga Boholano pero wala ko niapil, mas feel man gud nako ang Home Alone hehehe

glacier_71

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« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2009, 01:08:47 AM »

daghan man hinoon paagi mawa imong kalaay, bay. maayo pod kay ganahan kag Home Boy style. do you get in touch with your family at home thru the net? YM? Skype? etc?

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« Reply #17 on: March 07, 2009, 01:15:05 AM »

wala may internet sa amoa bai kay tua man sa Mabini, wla pa may net didto. call lang and text ang ways para makontak ko sila. sanayan lang ang maging Home Alone kay og moadto ko sa akong mga kauban makainom man sad ko kay kanunay man sila inom every weekend mas maayo pay home alone nalang hehehehee....

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« Reply #18 on: March 07, 2009, 01:19:37 AM »

maayo pod na bay kay daginot. krisis ra ba ron. ayo2 diha.

aduy

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« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2009, 01:49:26 AM »

mao bitaw bai daginot jud, weekly ra gani ko  motawag sa amoa unya panagsa ra sad mag text kay dili man kamao akong mga parents mag text kay gamay kono ang keypad hehehehehe....



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