MikeLigalig.com

hahahaha. maayo lang gani kay dili Durian.

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hahaha...pagkakita tingali sa iyang dala nga pineapple, nakapasalamat tingali siya kay wa niya pilia ang Nagka. hahahah

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si maam tekla usa ka maestra nagtudlo ug english sa usa ka klase.
si cosme usa sa labing sipat sa klase ug nutado nga dili kahibaw ug bugal-bugalon pa jud.

ms. tekla: class, our lesson for today is about tag questions.
cosme: maam, what is a tag question?
ms. tekla: tag question is a grammatical structure in which a declarative statement or an imperative is turned into a question by adding an interrogative fragment and that is called the "tag". for example, open the window, will you? she doesn't really want those apples, does she? understood class?
whole class: yes maam.
ms. tekla: now, cosme give me an example of a sentence with a tag question.
cosme (confident kaayo): ms tekla is very beautiful, isn't she?
ms. tekla: very good cosme. binisay-a kuno imong gisulti.
cosme: si ms. tekla kay gwapa kaayo, wala ka kuyapi?

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 BNC! Good 1! Na TAG si tekla

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A couple stood before the preacher to be married.
  The boy's hair was as long as the girl's.
  It was difficult to tell the two apart.
So, the minister said, "Whichever one you are,
                          take whichever one this is,
             to be whatever you are going to be."

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LOL, sakit akong baba ug kinagiki sa inyong mga jokes oi!

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tua pa, kay gipabisaya ni maam. kabalo naman unta siya nga bolok-bolok nis cosme. nakadungog noon siya sa tinood. hehehe.




pila naman katimaan ang naa nimo, dave? hahahahahaha

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good teacher... naka-bantay kay uban pa to dakung "WHAT!" man gyud hahaha

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M1: My son is a priest, everyone calls him Father.

M2: Mine is a cardinal, everyone calls him your Eminence.

M3: My son is a NUDE DANCER, everyone says "Oh my GOD".


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hahaha. unya, ending-an pag "NOOOO!"

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wahahaaha sakspan

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Dear Cosme,

Anak, nagostohan namen lahat nang mga padala nimu puira lang dun sa Nivea Moisturising Milk.  Nagtae yung mga kapatid mo.  Niks tym kape na lang ipadala.  Nagmamahal.

Nanay

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pastilan bai sa una masaghiran lang mangita na og kumbati pero karon bisan ihungit maglisod nang mo ataki

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BAYNTE?? hwahahahhaha!

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laki kun sa left side tan-awon, baye kun sa right side.

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Pedro: Tay, hanggang ngayon,
hindi parin ako makaiskor sa aking asawa…
Tatay: Bakit naman anak?
Pedro: Kasi iyong panty niya may nakasulat…..
“PRIVATE PROPERTY… NO TRESSPASSING”
Tatay: Madali lang yan anak, lagyan mo lang brief mo ng….
” DEMOLITION TEAM, DO NOT DELAY”….

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hahaha bright jud si tatay

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hahahaha. basin low ang lactose tolerance ninyo inay. hahahaha. may pinadala akong Folgers...huwag nyong uubusin...hahaha.


hahahahahaha...bitaw sad no?


hahahaha. ug makaataki man gani dali ra mo-retreat.


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ug ngano diayg basa? anha ba diay gawas sa imong tudlo imong ihi? hahahahahahah

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aha!  kahibawo na diay ko nga ang dairy section naa sa ubos kay ang meat section sa taas gisigihan mag padako ni vicky belo.

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A camel and an elephant met.
The elephant asked the camel
Why do you have your breasts on your back?
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies.
What a silly question from someone who has dick on his face!


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whahahahaha...nakabawos

mura atong silingan nga taas og suwang, nanghinaway sa iyang silingan pod nga opaw.

silingang taas suwang: pre, gikawatan man kono kag 20 thousand gahapon. (iyang pasabot 20T nga buhok)

silingang opaw (nakasabot na diay): mao lagi, pre, ako unta tong ihatag nimo para ipa-opera sa imong suwang.

whahahahaha



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  Reklamo sa sweldo

Trabahante: Lenti kang amoha ka! Imo kong gihimo nga tawo2x sa basakan,
                 unya ako suweldo walay saka2x! Kun mamatay ko,
                 kinsa mopakaon sa akong pamilya, ikaw?

Amo: Eninglisa,kay patas-on nako imong suweldo.

Trabahante : Lightning you! Man2x me in the farm,
                  my salary did not climb!
                  If i die who will eat my family, you?

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BNC, you and that woman are just at the same category as bad drivers hahahaha

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Anak: Tay, unsaon pag kiss ang gwapa ug ang batig nawong?
Tatay: Basta gwapa gani anak, kissan ang lips dayon komoton ang totoy. Kung bati gani, kissan ang totoy komoton ang nawong.

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  Bottle  of Merlot

A  man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually  attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little  restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,  'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated  the sender with a nod of his head.

She  stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man,  then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who  was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and  conveyed it to the gentleman. 

The note read:  'For me to accept this bottle, you  need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the  bank and '7' inches in your  pants'.


After  reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed  him to deliver it to the lady. 

It read: 
'Just  to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have  a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in  my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and  a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .. There is over twenty million  dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman  as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the  wine back.... Tiger. 


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hehehehe...padong na unta tang-tangon ni Sis ang iyang kuan....


nyaahahaha...sige lang lola og malukot basta nakulikot.

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Bwahaha! Basin si Inday gipatutoy pud sa iyang Sir.

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lol! kujawa man ni!

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juanre bakit ka tulala?
pedro:asawa ko gabi-gabi ako kinakalabit.
juan:sarap nun! anong problema dun?
pedro:anong masarap dun e limang taon ng patay ang asawa ko! Waaaaaaaaaa

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Billy Bob & the Frog
Billy Bob is 77 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one. img1.gif
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your woman!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
  " Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

<img src="http://www.elderoptionsoftexas.com/images/green_frog.gif">

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Ah, there's the rub. Moabot ra pud ang ilang panahon...

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( I think this is funny, no offense to anyone, just a joke for the sake of reading and entertainment)

Pay Rise

I, Mr. P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

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wolfie, adunay german version ni-ani paramoot jamo!



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Bwahaha! The way I see it, dehado si P. Niss ni V. Gina sa argumento. Well, kon gahig ulo (he he) si P. Niss, basin mabiktima sija sa evil self ni V. Gina, si V. Ginismus!

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A Filipino is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and Jam) when an American man; chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Filipino Ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a  conversation.

American: "You Filipinos eat the whole bread?"  Filipino (coolly): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Philippines."

The American has a smirk on his face.    The Filipino munches on... Gives a cold Look but did not reply.

The American refuses to take the cue and Persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Filipino: "Of Course.."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, and then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the Philippines."   

The Filipino puts his coffee mug down...looks straight In the American's eye and then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Filipino: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used  them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Filipino: "We don't. In the Philippines, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America.

*No offense meant, huh! This is just a joke...

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Bwahaha! Lahi pud ning iyang kabuang sa kang Carlos, he he...

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kabit - pasa load......bwahehehehehe

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That 's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT  UP?!"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."


 


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What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?

A hematologist pricks your finger.


 

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See, who's the boss..

 A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means
business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?! "

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four
weeks pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks,
  "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
    "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


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Pedro: Alam mo pare, ang damidaming babaeng nababaliw sa akin. Paano ko kaya sila mapipigilan?
Juan: Tigilan mo ang pag-stambay sa Mental Hospital!!
------------ --------- --------
If your ears itch, someone is thinking of you.
If your eyes, itch, sumone wants to see you.
If your lips itch, someone is dying to kiss you.
If your entire body itches, KAGID NA YAN! KAGID!!!
------------ --------- -------
DIARY ng PANGET:
Dear Diary, I'm so happy talaga. Nahuli kasi ako ng ang kong nakatingin sa kanya. Minura nya ako. g***!! Narinig ko na rin ang voice niya! Ang ganda niya talaga! Last time nga, itinulak niya ako! Dumugo ang nose ko kasi sinadya ko siyang banggain. Nakakakilig, di ba? At least nagkadikit kami!
Ask nga siya ng pix ko, kasi ipapasalvage daw niya ako. So sweet!! At ang pinaka da best pa, sabi ko "love you!" Reply niya "f*** you!!" Sarap np? Nahorny ako..
------------ --------- -----
LIFE in HELL.
Demonyo - di ka pwede dito, isa kang addict. Sige, LAYAS!
Addict: Bakit?
Demonyo: Kasi pag-bangag ka, para kang nasa HEAVEN!
 ... pagtsur uy!! hehehehe!!
------------ --------- ----
Nanay: knock, knock!!
Anak: hu's der?
Nanay: nanay nimo!!
Anak: Nanay nimo hu??
Nanay: bu**** ka! ablihi ko! pa who who pa ka diha! amawa ka! OFEN door, NOW!!
------------ --------- --
Mama: JUan, why man ni imo grado? Daghan man red?
Juan: Nahutdan itom nga ink amo titser ma.
Mama: Ngano'ng naa man pud "F" diri sa card?
Juan: Mama oi, maratol dayon. Ipasabot ana "FASAR!"
------------ --------- -
Boy comes to class with broken eyeglasses.
Teacher: What happened?
Boy: I was kissing my girlfriend.
Teacher: Then how did your glasses break?
Boy: She corssed her legs!!!
------------ --------- --
Si Juan ug si Pedro sa Lasang.
Juan: Tabang bai, gipaak ako o*** sa cobra!!
Pedro: Ako text-san si doc.
  ... sa text: Pedro: doc, ako amigo gipaak ug cobra. Unsa ako buhaton?
                  Doc: supsupa ang samad nga gipaak sa cobra, kuhaa ang duga!!
Juan: Bai, unsay gisulti sa doctor??
Pedro: Sorry wa na kuno'y pagasa bai!!!
------------ --------- --
Your EX is limping around the front yard bleeding to death. What do you do??
Remain clam... Reload. Aim. Shoort again!!! Good job!! Hahahahaha!! !
------------ --------- -
Old couple at SM holding hands while window shopping.
Sikyo: Ka sweet ninyo oi?!
Lolo: 50yrs na ming minyo, ingon jud mi. Di ko mokompyansa kay SHOPLIFTER ni!!



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Naay usa ka Pari nga naglakaw sa dalan.
Nakakita siya og batang babaye nga nikatkat sa bayabas nga walay panty.
Gitawag ang bata sa Pari.
Pari: Day, diay 100 pesos pagpalit og panty.

Niuli ang batang babaye ug nisulti sa iyang mama.
Bata: Ma, gitagaan ko ug 100 pesos sa Pari ipapalit ug panty.
Next day ang mama nasad ang nikatkat sa Bayabas ug wala mamanty.
Nakit-an kini sa pari ug gitawag unya gihatagan ug 1 peso.
Mama: ngano peso ra man ni ako unya imong gihatag sa akong anak kay 100 pesos.
Pari: 1 peso para palit ug blade pangshave. Baga na kaayo na ang balhibo.


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Mag-uyab nagstorya daplin sa dagat.
Girl: babes unsa imong zodiac sign?
Boy: (naghunahuna kay bugok) ikaw sa babes.
Girl: zodiac sign naku kay CANCER
Boy: ako GOITER
Girl: ha?! wala may zodiac sign nga goiter!!
Boy: hehehe! di bitaw ULCER bitaw!!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

bag-ong kasal...
Bana: Ling magbutang ko ug alkansiya sa atong kama para kada mo kayat ko maghulog ko ug singkwenta pesos atong savings pang ref ug TV set.
Asawa: ok ng plano mo!
       After 1 yr...
Bana: Ling, akong gibuak ang alkansiya ug pwede na ta palit appliances. Bilib ko nimo dah! Nagsaving pud doay ka kay naa may mga tibuok P500 ug P1000.
Asawa: ikaw ra may KURIPOT! Tag P50 lang kada i***! Atong mga silingan tag-isa ka libo ang ihulog!!!   
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
 
An engineer & a doctor both fell in love with a nurse...
One day the engineer had to leave for a week. He gave a present to the nurse and asked to open it after he left... The nurse unwrapped the gift and found 7 apples with a note saying.. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away!!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
 
Sa ngayon, tatlong bagay lang ang gagawin na magpapasikat sa iyo sa buong mundo...
1. Maging boxing champion ka sa 7 weight divisions.
2. Mag massacre ka ng 57 ka tao.
At ang pinakamatindi. ..
3. Pakasalan mo si .... ALING DIONISIA!!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
 
Dahil nanalo si Pacman sa election, magpaptayo siya ng school. Tatawagin itong: PACQUIAO UNIVERSITY. Para maiksi PACQ U...
Ang tawag sa mga studyante dun ay PACQERS,
at kapag dun ka mag-aral, magkakaroon ka nang PACQING FRIENDS,
at gagamit sila ng espesyal na papel na ang pangalan ay PACQ SHEET...!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
 
From Koala Bear: Nonoy is leading the race because the PCOS machines are made intentionally for him. PCOS means "President Cory's Only Son!!" 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
 
THE GUN
... is a bery important solution to a problem, ryt??!
... specially wen a dog gokurize you. THE GUN is rily important.. inig mo paghot na ang iro, THE GUN na lang jud!! THE GUN ug kusog, ha??!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
 
Ad2 mi Olmuk'
akay me jep'
O2g ayo dagan
to2y to2y gud'
Way brep' brep'
abot hulbada'
eyot bitaw na
liged! Da moh Mu lagi', Monge
nu'on. Hehehe!!

------------ --------- --------- -------
 
MRS: Ang hirap sa 'yo, di mo na ako iniisip pag nalalasing ka.
MR: Hoy! di totoo yan, ha!! (hik!) Katunayan, kanina ko pa iniisip kung ano ang pangalan mo e! (hik!)
------------ --------- --------- ------

 

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Another version:

Adto ko Mutuan,
akay ko nyep,
otenta mlete.
Utog ayo dagan,
wa brip-brip.
Abot kulbada,
iyоt bitaw ligid,
ah, mumo mi.
Da, mungi lagi mi.



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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any duck, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


Bwahaha! 

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may usa ka salesman nga namaligya sa iyang "vacuum cleaner" gipasulod siya sa tagbalay.. apan dakong kahikurat sa ginang dihang iyang gikalat sa carpet ang dala niyang tae sa kabayo... pwerteng sukoa sa maong babaye...

Salesman : Relax lang Mrs. sa imong kasuko kay akoy mokaon ning tae sa kabayo kung di ni malimpyo sa akong baligya nga "vacuum cleaner"...

Ginang : pwes..! karon dayon ..hinay-hinayi na na'g kaon kay "BROWN-OUT".....!!!! 

*****************  

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 States, maru man pod kaayo ang Salesman kay nagdala man pod ug portable battery para sa iyang vacuum cleaner

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He he, mistake kay lubot unta ang tuyo... 

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