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bohol sunday post, october 28, 2007 issue
On November 1, All Saints Day, and November 2, All Souls Days, we troop to the cemetery to visit our dead ones. It is one way of assuring ourselves that our departed ones are truly gone temporarily separated from us. That one day we shall be together again in Heaven with our Maker.
Remembering our loved ones
Proem:
• Food for the soul: Do not ask the Lord to guide your steps if you are not willing to move your feet.
• Congratulations to Krizzia Rae Jabonillo of Bohol Wisdom School (BWS) who is this year’s champion in the National Population Quiz held on Oct. 22-26 at Tuguegarao City, Cagayan Valley. She was accompanied by coach Maria Lona Iway. Known as KringKring to friends, she describes herself as “simple but complicated!! That's me!! Get it? I'm a very "libog" person doesn't know the real me. Goes with the flow, ikanga. But I know my purpose. It is to live in this world to die and serve for HIM!!! BWS is also the champion of the Great High School Debate held Oct. 25 sponsored by the University of the Philippines Kadugong Bol-anon. Elirozz Carlie Labaria was hailed best debater.
What to do in Halloween?
In the US and other parts of Europe, October 31st is a day that children across the country anticipate. The thought of carving pumpkins, dressing up in costumes and having bags filled with treats is almost more than any kid can handle.
Here in the Philippines, Halloween is always associated with darkness and horror. Before, there is clearly no place in the Christian community for this “darker side†of Halloween.
Gone are the days when we are afraid of horror tales about ogres, duwendes, engkantos, etc and in fact, we love party during Halloween. While, our community is not yet immune of wearing anything on Halloween, perhaps this is a good time to celebrate Halloween as a simple gathering of family members.
Yesterday, I bought my Halloween costumes for Oct. 31 party (if there’s a party). You can check our malls for witch hats, Harry Potter outfits and masks. But you can be creative to have your own costumes. To parents to teach your children that Halloween is not about horror and the dark side, dress your children in costumes that focus on history, pretend or fantasy, rather than on the macabre or occult –– Bible heroes, flag, sailors, cowboys, Indians, ballerinas, princesses, doctors and firefighters.
Halloween is also a good time for family bonding and vacations.
Holla-ween hip-hop parties? For partyphiles, you can check Lazer at the Bohol Tropics and Atmosphere for best events and parties for you to spook out! I’ve heard that the Lazer Party Club prepares Halloween pranks, costume contest and Halloween hoedown.
This is also a good time for “kuwentong multo at kababalaghan†or goosebumps stories. Ask your grandparents and elders about priests with no heads, santilmo, tiyanak, duwende, tikbalang, nuno sa punso, white lady sa balete, etc. This is also your chance to be the next Lola Basyang of our time.
Maybe this also the right time to experience haunted, shadows and spirits tour. Visit the ancient graveyards in Guindulman and see the boat coffins in the cliffs of Barangay Basdio. You may contact Ondoy Pacatang- 0915-939-9069. After Guindulman, you can visit Anda to see the miraculous Inday Potenciana Saranza. If you’re in Anda, don’t miss to visit Lamanok Point for a tourism purposes. For Anda tours, you may contact Arvin Rubillos at 09263555370. You can visit Ermita Ruins in Poblacion, Dimiao. The site is an ancient graveyard during the Spanish era. I’m not saying you should visit these places during Halloween. You can go anytime if you want to know more of our history and culture.
For more haunted tours, try to visit haunted hospitals and buildings in your place.
Don’t try spirit of the glass, coin, ouija and ballpen. Don’t bother to talk to “unknown†spirits. The Church has forbidden this, so, behave and enjoy Halloween in harmless ways.
***
It’s All Saints and Souls Days. Time to meditate. Time to soul-search. Time to realize that we are mortals.
A colleague asked me, “How do you say goodbye?†For whom and to whom?, I asked back.
I could not help but to recall the death of my sister Ruth, who was then 17, died of leukemia four years ago.
Socialite chronicler Ethel Soliven-Timbol shared her insights about losing someone:
No matter how long a loved one takes to die, when the moment comes, the pain doesn’t hurt any less. Death, the say, is the best healer because after death, a person is freed of all human sufferings and illness. It is the loved ones left behind who must bear further pain and sorrow.
Sometimes, as we watch a loved one suffer through a long-drawn dreaded disease, we wish that his or her agony would stop, that s/he be released from it instantly—the IV tubes, endless injections, incisions, that awful respirator. We plead silently to the Almighty to have pity on our dear one...we have prayed that way once, long ago, during the last days of my sister whose leukemia and rheumatic heart disease, we begged God to heal her completely or to end it quickly to spare her the pain. Within weeks, my sister was gone. We kept inconsolably yet we thanked God for His kindness for calling her home.
Death is the reward for living. You have spent your time in the physical world with its negativity, heaviness and loneliness. Now comes the good part, when you can return home to the true existence and be welcomed back into the direct and ever-present grace of God.
Never fear dying for to die is gain. What happens to you after you die? People have always wanted an answer to that.
We could not resist thinking negative that your loved one would die. Beliefs and other superstitions would come easily into your mind. Like when a certain bird known as pirit would pass by someone would die. Other indication like when a sickly one would touch her blanket as if she is measuring it, s/he soon to die. Or black butterfly means death in the family and other endless beliefs handed down by our forebears we can associate with death.
In the case of my sister, a pirit passed by in the evening and a heavy object fell on our roof…but the most visible indication that she would leave was her poem she wrote one week before she died.
life
life must go on
for dreaming our dreams
Which gives hope.
life must go on
for searching our identity
which gives substance.
life must go on
for identifying ourself
which gives soul.
life must go on
for sharing our love
which makes HOME.
Like a collection of brilliant sapphires, Ruth was a jewel set vibrant to the eyes. We always think of positive things about our loved ones.
Four years since my sister left us, I still weep because I miss her inexplicably. I know now that no matter how we go old…we still miss our sibling.
Her death is a living testimony that God is the only unchangeable reality. Whether one is in life or death, He will be there. He is the ultimate award to Ruth and those who love Him.
Each year, On November 1, All Saints Day, and November 2, All Souls Days, we troop to the cemetery to visit our dead ones. It is one way of assuring ourselves that our departed ones are truly gone temporarily separated from us. That one day we shall be together again in Heaven with our Maker.
And yes, blesses are those who are able to be at the bedside when the beloved breathes his/her last. To be able to bid goodbye and say “I love you†before they fade away…I wasn’t there in the hospital when my sister passed away, yet my mama cuddled her to her last breath.
We are wracked with agony or we torture ourselves by wishing… “If only I was able to say goodbye.†Then, being calmed by the passage of time, we learn to accept that God has His reasons always, that there is a purpose in everything that happens in one’s life. We have to trust and believe God that God knows best. And to thank the Almighty for the time shared on earth with our loved ones.
We pray that we shall all be reunited there one day, sooner or later.
***
I can’t resist sharing a chapter from one of my favorite books (shared by friend Ricky Lo of Philippine Star), You Can’t Afford The Luxury of a Negative Thought by Peter McWilliams. This is where some dear friends are today…I am dedicating the piece to Emerson Pinos, Cong. Edgar Chatto, cousin Shiela Olorvida in Denmark (whose one month old son died), Dejaresco Family, Cong. Edgar Chatto and family, Analyn Pollenza, Mejkal Manalo, Janice Saletrero, Charmaine Cacho and family and you people out there who have lost a parent or a loved one and can’t quite figure out what happened or are finding it hard to come to terms with their great, irreplaceable loss.
Learn to mourn
This is a lifetime of goodbyes. As the years go on, you’ll say goodbye to both people (through moving, change, or death) and things (youth, that semi-tight body you once had, hair, prized possessions). Eventually, you’ll say goodbye to it all with your own death.
Learning to mourn, to grieve, to say a goodbye, is an invaluable tool.
When a loss takes place, the mind, body and emotions go through a process of healing as natural as the healing of a physical injury. Know that feeling lost, sad, angry, hurt, fearful and tearful at goodbyes is a natural part of the healing process.
We recover from the loss in three distinct but overlapping phases. The first phase of recovery is shock/denial/numbness; the second, fear/anger/depression; the third, understanding/acceptance/moving on.
No matter what the loss—from a missed phone call to the death of a loved one—the body goes through the same three phases of recovery. The only difference is the time it takes to go through each stage and the intensity of the feelings at each point along the way.
When we first hear of a loss, our initial reaction is shock/denial/numbness. Often we say, “Oh no!†We can’t believe what we’ve heard. We go numb.
This ability to deny and go numb is a blessing. Catastrophic losses are too hard to take all at once. It has been suggested that the reason some people have slow, terminal illnesses as their method of dying is because it’s going to take them a long time to say goodbye, and they want to do it right.
The next phase, fear/anger/depression, is the one most commonly associated with loss. We think we’ll never love or be loved again (fear). We wail against the situations, people, things, and unkind fates that “caused†the loss (anger). We cry, we feel sad, we hurt, we don’t want to go on (depression).
One of the toughest feelings to accept is anger at the one who us dying (even if it’s yourself). “Why are you leaving me?!†a voice inside wants to know. To feel angry at someone for dying, or angry at yourself over your own death, is perfectly normal. It’s a natural stage of recovery that one must pass through. (Pass through-not remain in.)
Finally, we come to understanding/acceptance/moving on.
We understand that loss is part of life. We accept the loss we suffered, and begin to heal. When healing is well under way, we move on to our next experiences.
I put this information on grieving in the section “Act-centuate the Positive†because mourning is a positive human ability. It allows us the flexibility to adapt to change. It is not “negative to fell pain, fear and anger at loss. It’s natural, human response. The negativity enters when the process of healing is suppressed, glossed over and denied.
Accept the process. Accept the numbness, the fear, the pain, the anger, the sadness, the tears and eventually, accept the healing.
Accepting the healing can be difficult. People may expect you to mourn, longer than you find necessary, or they may want your mourning to “hurry up.†People often offer comfort to ease their own discomfort. “There, there,†the say,†everything’s all right,†when, in fact, everything is not all right.
Grieving must be done in its own time.
***
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