MikeLigalig.com

Quote from: ms da binsi on May 02, 2010, 12:04:57 AM
GUINDULMAN OFFICIALS:

YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!

(gi anay or not, that should stay there! dont they know what are PESTICIDES MOTHER FUC**R???)


YOU ARE ALL f*****  IDIOTS!!!!!!!

   

100-Percent TRUE!

When was the last time you visited Bohol?

Do you eat Carabao meat?

Find out the truth.

(180 Tablets in One Bottle) See the real price here: http://www.vitacost.com/Natures-Way-Alive-Multi-vitamin-Whole-Food-Energizer-No-Iron-Added

Or at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Natures-Way-Alive-Multi-Vitamin-180tabs/dp/B00014DNG8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=grocery&qid=1272798622&sr=8-1

AIM Global is selling it at more than 1,000 pesos for a 30-capsule bottle. Do the math, please...

Try it at Jojie's Coffee House at Bohol Quality (BQ) Mall (ground floor) and at Painitang Bol-anon located at the new Agora Building...

BBC News - Protests across US over Arizona immigration law
Tens of thousands of people have joined protests in the US against a controversial anti-immigration law introduced in Arizona.

The biggest protest took place in Los Angeles, but others were planned in more than 70 cities across the country.

The law requires local police to question anyone they suspect of being in the United States illegally.

The protesters say the law could lead to Hispanics being targeted, and inflame racial tensions.

In Los Angeles, police estimated 100,000 people had joined a march led by singer Gloria Estefan.

"It's the right of every American to protect where they live," she told the crowd.

"But that doesn't give them a reason to place a law that could create racism and discrimination."

Do you have any idea where you're going?

The Korea International Cooperation Agency (KOICA) said it will finance the feasibility study of the construction of a new passenger terminal in Cebu.

In a statement, Kim Jinoh, KOICA resident representative, said the project will help boost Cebu’s position as a premier tourism and business destination in the region.

"Through this project, we hope to facilitate the upgrading of the Mactan-Cebu International Airport to meet the growing demands of Cebu’s vibrant economy,” Kim said.

The existing terminal in Cebu can only accommodate up to 4.5 million passengers a year. But in 2009, it handed around 4.8 million passengers according to government estimates.

The Korean government through KOICA will provide a grant of $ 1.1 million for the project.

It will likewise dispatch Korean experts to the Philippines, train local officials and personnel in Korea and provide relevant equipment.

The Philippines, meanwhile, is tasked with forming a steering committee and technical working group, facilitating the approval of necessary permits and clearances and providing information such as maps and statistical data.

The project will be implemented from 2010 to 2011.

Earlier, KOICA raised its grant assistance to $ 15 million this year from $ 10 million in 2009.

Other projects up for financing are the $ 13-million Modern Integrated Rice Processing Complex in four provinces, the $ 3-million Modern Integrated Rice Processing Complex also for four provinces, the $ 2.4-million Computerization of the Forward Estimates System for Budget Allocation of the Philippines, the $ 3-million Enhancing Philippine Livestock Industry Performance through an Institutionalized Genetic Improvement System and the $ 1.1-million Financial Statement on the Establishment of Multi-Industry Clusters in the Philippines.

Davao’s Balweg Bangoyan lost via technical knockout (TKO) in the 5th round in his title-bid for the World Boxing Council (WBC) super-bantamweight crown against Japan’s Toshiski Nishioka in Tokyo last Friday, according to reports received here.

A vicious left by the 33-year-old Japanese southpaw sent down the previously undefeated Bangoyan in the early fifth round.

Dubbed as “The Davao Hitman,” the WBC International super-bantamweight champion and ranked WBC No. 10 contender paid the price for his recklessness.

Although Bangoyan beat the count and tried to fight back, he was still groggy and Nishioka was all over the challenger before Mexican referee Gelacio Perez stepped in and called a halt at 1:14 of the fifth round.

It was the comparatively inexperienced Bangoyan’s first fight abroad and his first loss which once again spotlighted the tendency to rush promising young fighters into title fights when they are not quite ready.

In fact, Bangoyan had struggled in his last two fights, winning a 12-round majority decision over the slow-moving Raymond Sermona to grab the vacant international title on Sept. 12, 2009, after earlier winning a 10-round majority decision over veteran Jaime Barcelona on June 27, 2009.

With the win, Nishioka improved to 36-4-3 with 23 knockouts while Bangoyan dropped to 15-1 with six knockouts.

Bangoyan is a 23-year-old protégé of Jose Abad Santos Mayor Zander Khan, who is running for governor of Davao del Sur. Bangoyan was first trained by the veteran Vicente “Inteng” Adriano of Davao City before he went to Manila to prepare for the world title fight.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with
a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about
the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it. Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle
from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
wouldn't. Russell Beland, Springfield

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with
vegetable soup. Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on
at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. Roy Ashley, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. Russell
Beland, Springfield

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in
hot grease. Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this
guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." Russell
Beland, Springfield

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy
field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at
6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of
35 mph. Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr
Pepper can. Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled
Nancy Kerrigan's teeth Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never
met. Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal
being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. Barbara Fetherolf,
Alexandria

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants
in a dryer without Cling Free Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Unknown

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutcase in
Newport, Vermont named Scott Williams who digs things out of his back
yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institution,
labelling them with scientific names, and insisting that they are
actual archaeological finds.

This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway, here's
the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind
next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a
difficult situation in writing.
________________________________________________________________________


Smithsonian Institution
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled
"93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post... Hominid skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston
County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have
found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our
staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of
us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to
come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that
there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might
have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1.   The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
     typically fossilised bone.
2.   The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
     centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest
     identified proto-hominids.
3.   The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with
     the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous
     man-eating Plieocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands
     during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the
evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into
too much detail, let us say that:

A.   The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
     chewed on.
B.   Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the
heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly
inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like
it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil,
it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of
work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that
our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the
display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the
Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
Newport back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you
expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation
of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent
juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive
crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator -Antiquities

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
accident of evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
said to himself. As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look.

A 7-foot grizzly was charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could
up the path. He looked over his shoulder and the bear was closing in.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He
looked over his shoulder, and the bear was even closer. His heart
pumped frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell
on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up and the bear, right on top of him,
reached for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike
him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God! ... "
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist,
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help
you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical
to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps could you
make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear dropped his right paw ... brought both paws together ... bowed
his head: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly
thankful."

1. A HIGHER INTELLIGENCE...
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
   --------------------------------------------------------------------
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting "Please come out and give yourself up".
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
   --------------------------------------------------------------------
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
   --------------------------------------------------------------------
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in
the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the
man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
   --------------------------------------------------------------------
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "Her contractions are only two
minutes apart! "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man
shouted, "This is her husband!"
   --------------------------------------------------------------------
7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket
(helllllloooooooooo!).
   --------------------------------------------------------------------
8.THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new
22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was
very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was
applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a
nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The
engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the
boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

TEN Best Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9.  "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the time
     management course you sent me to."

8.  "Whew!  Guess I left the top off the tippex.  You probably got here
     just in time."

7.  "I wasn't sleeping!  I was meditating on the mission statement and
     envisioning a new paradigm."

6.  "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5.  "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
     stress.  Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4.  "Blast!  Why did you interrupt me?  I had almost figured out a
     solution to our biggest problem."

3.  "The coffee machine is broken."

2.  "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

AND THE number 1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR
DESK...

1.  ".....in Jesus' name.  Amen."

By Amanda Gardner
HealthDay Reporter

(HealthDay News) -- The U.S. Food and Drug Administration Thursday acknowledged that there could be safety concerns regarding triclosan, an ingredient found widely in consumer products, such as antibacterial soaps, toothpaste and cosmetics, clothing and toys.

In an update to its Web site, the agency stated that "triclosan is not currently known to be hazardous to humans. But several scientific studies have come out since the last time FDA reviewed this ingredient that merit further review."

The FDA did not recommend that consumers change their behavior with respect to these products.

At issue is whether or not triclosan alters hormone regulation in humans, as it has been shown to do in animals. Such disruptions can cause developmental or other problems.

There is also concern that triclosan may contribute to resistance to antibiotics, whereby bacteria develop ways around the potentially lifesaving drugs.

One public health advocacy group applauded the FDA announcement.

"It's about time FDA has finally stated its concerns about antibacterial chemicals like triclosan," Dr. Sarah Janssen, a medical doctor and staff scientist at the Natural Resources Defense Council, said in a news release issued Thursday. "The public deserves to know that these so-called antibacterial products are no more effective in preventing infections than regular soap and water and may, in fact, be dangerous to their health in the long run."

U.S. Presidents on the Titanic

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts, "Women and children first."

Nixon goes, "f*** the women."

Clinton replies, "Do you think we have time?"

A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he laid down the rules, "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or card-playing or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll come home anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll expect dinner to be on the table whenever I get here, with no hassle from you. Those are my rules. Do you understand?"

His new bride smiled sweetly and replied, "Of course, dear. That's fine. But I have one little rule of my own: I'm gonna have sex every night at seven o'clock - whether you're home or not!"

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Corporate Lessons

Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologised, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask........

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy,
according to an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:
1 -  "What are you thinking?"
2 -  "Do you love me?"
3 -  "Do I look fat?"
4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 -  "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer
properly, which is to say dishonestly.  For example:

1 -  "What are you thinking?"  The proper answer to this question, of
course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,
beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy
was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five
things:
a -  Baseball
b -  Football
c -  How fat you are.
d -  How much prettier she is than you.
e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his
wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:

2 -  "Do you love me?"  The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." 
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer,
"Yes, dear.  Wrong answers include:
a -  I suppose so.
b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
d -  Does it matter?
e -  Who, me?

3 -  "Do I look fat?"  The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
quickly leave the room.  Wrong answers include:
a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b -  Compared to what?
c -  A little extra weight looks good on you.
d -  I've seen fatter.
e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your insurance
     policy.

4 -  "Do you think she's prettier than me?"  The "she" in the question
could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard
thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you
just saw.  In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
prettier."  Wrong answers include:
a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your insurance
policy.

5 -  "What would you do if I died?"  Correct answer:  "Dearest love, in
the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for
me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first
Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

Happy, actually this is a joke.

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power" up with our "yearning power."

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

The World's Shortest Books

    * "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
    * The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
    * Human Rights Advances in China
    * "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
    * Al Gore: The Wild Years
    * Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
    * America's Most Popular Lawyers
    * Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
    * Detroit - A Travel Guide
    * Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
    * Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
    * Easy UNIX
    * Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
    * Everything Men Know About Women
    * Everything Women Know About Men
    * French Hospitality
    * "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
    * George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
    * "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
    * Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
    * "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA
    * Staple Your Way to Success
    * The Amish Phone Directory
    * The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

On the first working day of the New Year, Peter told his friend Paul, "You won't believe me. I participated the New Year's Eve party at John's. And there I recognized that they have a golden toilet!"

"No, I don't believe that," answered Paul. "John likes to act like a rich man, but he couldn't afford a golden toilet."

Peter said, "Why don't we stop by his home after work so you can see for yourself?"

After work they went to John's home and rang the doorbell. Mary, John's wife, answered the door.

Peter said, "Hi Mary, Paul doesn't believe you have a golden toilet. Could we come in so that he can see it himself?"

Mary turned around, and shouted into the house, "John! We know now who s*** into your tuba on New Year's Eve!"

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

She said, "Now that's a good date!"

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
    highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
    however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
    shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
    needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
    quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
    hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Important Press Release:

The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is
now fully Year 2000 compliant.

In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'.

Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product is
that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two".

The world in the year 2029:

* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be legally
  exported but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking in the
  US.

* France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

* Baby conceived naturally... scientists stumped.

* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

* Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
  the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and
  Lebanon).

* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
  more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
  largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as
  California.

* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

* Postal service raises price of letter stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
  delivery to Wednesdays only.

* 85-year, $75.8 billion study reveals findings: Diet and Exercise are
  the keys to weight loss.

* Average weight of Americans drops to 125kg.

* US Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
  rights.

* Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.

* Average height of basketball and netball players now 2.90m.

* New US, British and Australian laws require that all nail clippers,
  screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered
  by January 2036.

* US Congress and parliaments in two other countries authorise direct
  deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign
  accounts.

* Lowest tax rate set at 75 percent in Australia, US, Canada and
  European countries, including the UK that still maintains it's not
  part of Europe.

Who Lies More, Men or Women? Can you justify your answer?

But should Aquino win, the country would be “in trouble,” Gordon said during a campaign sortie in San Fernando on Wednesday night.

“He’s a do-nothing guy,” Gordon said of the Liberal Party’s standard-bearer and consistent first-placer in the surveys, citing the latter’s record as a senator and representative of Tarlac.

- Richard Gordon, in an Inquirer report...

Let's call it "The Unforgivable Guindulman Massacre"

from a newspaper caption:

Heritage advocates mull mapping of cultural sites
ACACIAS TREES SA GUINDULMAN gipamutol NI MAYOR FE PIEZAS administration...over 100 years of keeping this trees for the people of GUINDULMAN kalit lang na wala..MGA putol pa unta tong kamot sa mga tao nga buhat ane.... ang reason daw sa pagputol sa trees are blocking the view of the newly build Guindulman Market...who cares about the market building...why e sacrifice ang acacias trees just to highlight der project..damn dis officials behind dis.... base on the report, daghan daw taga guindulman na heat strock,,tungod sa perting inita didto...ang acacias nag hatag ug landong sa waiting shed sa merkado..karon wala na kasilungan....

By Elvie Roman-Roa, Joey A. Gabieta
Inquirer Visayas

Lucy Torres-Gomez has started campaigning for the congressional seat in the fourth district of Leyte even if the Commission on Elections has yet to decide if she will be allowed to replace her husband, actor Richard Gomez, whom the poll body had disqualified.

The model-cum-television host began campaigning as a candidate Thursday night, an hour after Richard announced his decision to accept the Comelec's first division’s decision to disqualify him over the lack of residency issue but would instead want to be substituted by his wife, a native of Ormoc.

Lawyer Edgardo Cordeno, the Gomez couple’s legal counsel, said Friday he would submit a manifestation to the Comelec en banc withdrawing the submitted motion for reconsideration they filed last December and instead allow Lucy to replace Richard, based on the Comelec Rule of Substitution for a dead or disqualified candidate.

Leyte's provincial election officer Felicismo Embalzado, however, said that Richard would continue to be the official candidate on the official ballot for Leyte province, which has already been printed, unless there is a Comelec decision would say otherwise.

Richard, speaking during a Liberal Party sortie here Thursday night, became emotional as he announced his withdrawal from the race and his substitution by his wife.

What's your choice?

Yancy Terrell Cochran tried to bail a friend out of jail, but now he’s facing charges himself for his effort.

Cochran, 35, of Davenport, went to the Scott County Courthouse on April 21 to post bail for a friend, but he used a counterfeit $50 bill, according to arrest records and officials.

Scott County criminal court clerk Angelica Kent first spotted the fake bill. She said Cochran gave her $300 worth of $50 bills.

When she marked them using a special pen â€" as she does all $50 and $100 bills she receives â€" the mark on one of the $50 bills turned black, she said. The mark is supposed to turn golden yellow.

Kent immediately called the Scott County Sheriff’s Department, and Deputy Tara Dinneweth investigated the fake bill.

Dinneweth compared all of Cochran’s $50 bills and found two with the same serial number, she said. source: qctimes.com

By Michael Glover - michael.glover@examiner.net
The Examiner

It’s a ritual that happens all too often. A person turns 21 year old. So he or she is challenged to take 21 shots of an alcohol of choice, usually whiskey.

On April 7, a 21-year-old Independence man took the 21-shot challenge. The following day, he died from severe alcohol poisoning at an area hospital.

On April 9, hospital officials notified Sugar Creek police. An investigation revealed the man took 21 shots of alcohol, according to Sugar Creek Detective Virginia DeBoard.

The man was celebrating with friends and family at a local bar in Sugar Creek, police said.

He was taken to a local hospital by friends who took him from the bar to the hospital, according to police.

“It’s becoming more prominent, especially on college campuses,” DeBoard said.

A hunter in the American state of Pennsylvania has been fined nearly $7,000 (£4,569) for luring a bear to a sticky end with a trail of doughnuts.

Charles Olsen enticed the large black bear into his gunsights with pastries and illegally shot it, police said.

Mr Olsen attracted the attention of the Game Commission when his truck, laden with sugary treats, was spotted on a road a week before bear season.

The "pastry poacher" was found guilty of violating several game laws.

Mr Olsen was arrested last November when he attempted to register the bear, which weighed 707 lbs (a third of a tonne), the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported. - BBC

A massage parlour boss who offered "happy endings" has been cleared of running a brothel from her bungalow.

Claire Astrid Finch, 49, of Chalton Heights in Chalton, Bedfordshire, was found not guilty at Luton Crown Court of keeping a brothel for prostitution.

She took out adverts in newspapers and on the internet, selling topless massage "with happy endings".

She told the court she wanted to work with other women for the sake of "safety" and "camaraderie".

Ms Finch had denied keeping a brothel from November 2004 to November 2008 and was unanimously cleared by the jury.

On 19 November 2008, she was arrested in a police raid on the bungalow in a quiet cul-de-sac. - BBC

Belgium's lower house of parliament has voted for a law that would ban women from wearing the full Islamic face veil in public.

The law would ban any clothing that obscures the identity of the wearer in places like parks and on the street. No-one voted against it.

The law now goes to the Senate, where it may face challenges over its wording, which may delay it.

If passed, the ban would be the first move of its kind in Europe.

Only around 30 women wear this kind of veil in Belgium, out of a Muslim population of around half a million.

The BBC's Dominic Hughes in Brussels says MPs backed the legislation on the grounds of security, to allow police to identify people.

Other MPs said that the full face veil was a symbol of the oppression of women, our correspondent says. - BBC

Five young children have been hurt at a school in north-eastern China after a man attacked them with a hammer before killing himself.

It was the third such incident in China in as many days.

The man, said to be a local farmer, grabbed two children before setting himself on fire at the pre-school in Shandong province's Weifang city.

The children were pulled to safety, and all five - plus an injured teacher - were said to be stable in hospital.

China is reeling from a spate of apparent copy-cat attacks in schools. - BBC

The US Coast Guard is investigating reports that oil has started washing ashore on the Gulf Coast from a leaking offshore well.

Up to 5,000 barrels of oil a day are thought to be spilling into the water after last week's explosion on a BP-operated rig, which then sank.

President Barack Obama has pledged "every single available resource" to help.

The US navy has been deployed to help avert a looming environmental disaster.

The US Coast Guard said it had sent investigators to confirm whether crude oil had begun to wash up on parts of the Louisiana shoreline. - BBC

Filipino sensation Wesley So achieved his goal even as Chinese ace Ni Hua captured the 9th Asian Individual Open Chess Championship yesterday at the Subic Bay Exhibition and Convention Center.

Avoiding complications, So and Ni settled for quick draws against fellow grandmasters Zhou Jianchao of China and Abhijeet Gupta of India, respectively, as all four earned berths to the 2011 World Chess Cup slated in Khamty-Mansiysk, Russia late this year.
Top seed Vietnamese GM Le Quang Liem (ELO 2686) clinched the fifth and final slot by downing Chinese GM Ding Liren in their board three, final-round tussle of the $50,000 tournament organized by the National Chess Federation of the Philippines for the third time in four years.

The 26-year-old Ni, conqueror of So in the seventh round, pooled 7.0 points on seven wins and four draws to claim his second title on Philippine soil and pocket the $6,000 (about P266,400) top prize.

So, Gupta, Zhou and Le tallied similar 6.5 points, but the Filipino ace emerged second with the best tiebreak score followed by Gupta, Zhou and Le. They split the prizes for the second to fifth placers and picked up $3,625 apiece.

Ni, skipper of the vaunted Chinese team whose ELO rating reached a peak of 2724 last year, also ruled the 2007 Prospero Pichay Cup in Manila.

Had he drawn with Ni, So would have snatched his first international title at home. So, ranked 64th in the world with his ELO of 2665, topped the 2008 Dubai Open and Group C of the Corus Open last year.

For So, however, advancing to the World Cup for the second straight time was good enough.

“I’m happy to make it to the World Cup again,” said the 16-year-old So, who astounded the chess community when he bested former world championship contenders Vassily Ivanchuk of Ukraine and Gata Kamsky of the United States and reached the round of 16 in the 2009 edition, also held in Khamty-Mansiysk. - PDI

By PIA

The Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD) has warned local politicians: keep away from government social subsidy program and do not include it in your campaign plan.

According to the government’s social welfare agency, the Pantawid sa Pamilyang Pilipino Program (4PS) is a national government program and its project implementation cost comes solely from the national government.

The DSWD issued the warning as it noticed that local candidates have used the 4Ps as a personal treasure chest, de-listing or replacing beneficiaries as adding new names.

The task is solely for the DSWD National Office and are therefore not in the powers of the local governments, the DSWD said.

By such, it is solely the DSWD who is responsible in undertaking the program’s major activities including selection and targeting of areas and the enumeration and identification of potential household beneficiaries.

Over this, the DSWD added that Local Government Units (LGU’s) are just partners in the program implementation and are specifically responsible in ensuring the constant availability of supply-side requirements on health and education.

Why most fiestas are in May?
By PIA

THE FIESTA month of May announces its sidling entrance with homing overloaded boats navigating the narrow channel carved in the shallows towards their berthing places at the Tagbilaran pier.

But, why May, many have asked.

Answering the question may have something to do with understanding the word Tagbilaran, the name that never is in the Cebuano-Bisayan lexicon, says a self confessed local historian in Bohol.   

Tagbilaran, the place with its heart nestled on top of a thickly forested rocky hill, may have been coined from two words: “tago” and “Bila” and could be a name given by grateful natives who clambered for safety and used the forests as their temporary shelter during the raids by Bila pirates, he said humbly refusing to have his name printed.

The feared Bila pirates made annual raids on coastal villages in the Visayan islands leaving at their wakes plumes of smoke from looted villages and wails of dispair for kidnapped relatives.

Riding  sleek sail boats, the pirates ride the Habagat, or the southeast monsoon which would make their journey fast and thus villages are often caught off-guard. 

At the sight of the pirates, the natives would climb and lose themselves in the forests on the rocky hill. There, they wait it out until the pirates leave or until the habagat gives in to Amihan or the northwest monsoon where it would be easy for the pirates to sail back.

That time, the pirates sailboats would again ride the wind to disappear into the horizon towards Mindanao.

The bluff, which by 1720’s has been the refuge of people who used the hill as vantage point to guard against the raids soon supported a cluster of homes which ultimately spread to the hill’s eastern parts, he said. 

With people there, the Spanish doctine teachers put up chapel which then became a regular visita of missionaries  from the nearby parish in Baclayon. 

Now protected by the pirates, the natives dedicated the place to their protector; Saint Joseph whose staff also protected the Holy Family in their narrow escape from the wrath of Herod. 

On the same site rose a stone church that would soon host the seat of the Diocese. The Saint Joseph the Worker Parish rose and underwent numerous changes through the years until now, he added. 

“By Jesus Christ protected, by the people of Tagbilaran erected” is etched in a pedestal below the statue of St. Joseph in front of the cathedral now. 

According to local fishermen, habagat season peaks between September to December and Amihan on the other hand peaks in March to June.

While it would be inappropriate to put up celebrations at a time when the pirates could get you off guard, locals then use the peak of the Amihan to gather and offer thanksgiving to their protector. 

Most Bohol fiestas especially for older parishes are on the month of May and extends to July, notably the time when the winds would prevent the coming of raiders from the south to ride against the winds.

Now, wouldn’t it be fair if people gather for festivities during the safest time of year to thank their patrons? (PIA-Bohol) 

Patients have been evacuted from a hospital in the Thai capital, Bangkok, after anti-government demonstrators forced their way into the grounds.

The red-shirts, looking for soldiers they thought were hiding there, later apologised for the incident.

In a TV address, Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva has said he will not tolerate further violence by the reds, but gave no indication of any planned action.

The red-shirts are pressing the Thai government to call early elections.

Patients at the Chulalongkorn hospital were sent to other hospitals and all except emergency services had to be suspended after the brief incursion by about 100 red-shirts on Thursday night.

But the action was quickly disowned by the protesters' leadership.

"On behalf of all leaders, I apologise to the public and Chulalongkorn hospital for the incident," one of the red-shirt leaders Dr Weng Tojirakarn said. - BBC

By PIA

PUSHERS and users, beware, because Bohol’s new top cop is a drugbuster.

PSSupt Rodolfo Llorca, who assumes his new assignment while replacing PSSUpt Anthony Obenza is expected to have with him a boxful of tricks on anti drug operations.

And when he issues the no-nonsense antic drug order from Camp Dagohoy, drug personalities here should have every reason to run and hide.

The new police provincial director used to head the Manila Police Department’s District Anti-Illegal Drugs Special Operations Task Group which accomplished the shabu tiangge bust in Pasig City.

And having had the expertise in dealing with tougher drug problems in Manila districts hounded by the social menace, solving Bohol’s threat to its youth and productive citizens may not be a big deal after all.

Despite the perceived presence of a drug problem in Bohol, a survey from the Holy Name University revealed that Boholanos do not consider the menace that big.

PSSUpt Llorca, who was recently assigned as Naga police chief in Camarines Sur has also been one who showed a strong hand in the fight against gambling leading to a decline in illegal operations there, reports said.

The Foreign Office has apologised after a document suggested the Pope's visit to Britain should be marked by the launch of "Benedict" brand condoms.

The junior civil servant responsible was put on "other duties", it said.

Entitled "The ideal visit would see..." the paper suggested the Pope be invited to open an abortion clinic and bless a gay marriage during September's visit.

It was obtained by the Sunday Telegraph. Foreign Secretary David Miliband was said to be "appalled".

UK Ambassador to the Vatican, Francis Campbell, has met senior officials of the Holy See to express regret on behalf of the government.

The paper was attached as one of three "background documents" to a memo dated 5 March inviting officials in Whitehall and Downing Street to attend a meeting to discuss themes for the papal visit.

It suggests Benedict XVI could show his hard line on the sensitive issue of child abuse allegations against Roman Catholic priests by "sacking dodgy bishops" and launching a helpline for abused children. - BBC

GOLIAT & TEBAN JOKES PART 5

GOLIAT & TEBAN JOKES PART 4