veryhot_post - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk Author Topic: To Panama (love letters and more),  (Read 1969 times)

hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
wink - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
To Panama (love letters and more),
« on: June 25, 2008, 10:31:42 AM »
This is a compilation of love letters, messages, blogs and poetry that i have been exchanging with an old flame for a couple of years. I just felt that they are raw, beautiful and worth sharing.

For all the romantics out there, enjoy.

P.S. he refers to me as Panama (in reference to a michael franks song) in the poems and blogs.

Linkback: https://tubagbohol.mikeligalig.com/index.php?topic=13579.0
Honest, I didn't do it!

Hippie in Chains

hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2008, 10:38:18 AM »
to the brain,...from panama
Current mood:  loved
Category: Romance and Relationships


you help me view the world

i help you see within.

because of you i will taste, smell and touch all that the world has to offer-

as i share with you the simple joys of life.

together, we will spalsh in a european fountain, your silk tie and my italian heels and cigarettes somewhere in a small pile far enough not to get too wet-as we enjoy one of our many young days in the sun.

we hold hands

who cares if my skin is dark and your eyes are blue

(oh what a beautiful blue!)

i am your path

you are (my) home

no one else will ever appeal more to the senses to me

than you

you facinate me with myself.

and from you

at last-

a smile

from him

May 24, 2006 - Wednesday

 04:44 AM - Sleeping with a smile.
Category: Life

I've been infected with something. It's radical, way, way radical. It's like, wow. Yeah, wow. It's one of those moments where I wanna sit at a piano and just play some jazz. Good, old school jazz. Then have a brass quartet jump in, and have some percussion. Yeah, jazz. I love jazz.

Go ole Blue Eyes go, keep giving me songs to sing.

Go shiney ears go, keep giving me the reasons to sing these songs.

 



hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2008, 10:41:01 AM »
i met a boy. (yes, i found him on myspace, lol). although he may not acknowledge it, i honestly say that he is one of the most beautiful people that i have ever encountered. at last a connection. seeing his picture for the first time made me smile and i said to myself, i have to meet this person.

and we met. and we talked. we talked for a good 3 days. no going out, no parties. it was just us-meeting, smiling, compleating each other's sentences. and it felt right. it was all about the moment and the moments to come.

at last, somebody as animated, as carefree and as in tune to his emotions as i am. we don't have to pretend or tailor ourself to suit the other.


hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2008, 10:44:56 AM »
I broke his heart. things went too fast... I found this in his blog

From a blog on myspace:
04:05 AM (ian) - The end isn't near.

We'll always have Trier, the long nights, and the crossword puzzles.

We'll also have each other.

Never again feel alone, for we're side by side in spirit.

If we never become lovers again, we'll be friends always.

It's better to play second fiddle, than to never have played at all

I'd still like to visit Panama, but if I can't, it wont be the end of me.

Thank you.

 




hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2008, 11:21:01 AM »
December 22, 2006 - Friday (Ian)

 10:08 PM - The best things are never said.

In the comfortable silence or in a light snore, you can have the best conversations.


 


hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2008, 11:56:23 AM »
Friday, May 4 2007
09:30 AM - One night. (Ian)


One night, one hour, one touch or even one kiss.

It just takes a singular event to make you realize what you missed what was going on all around you. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but it's usually good. Halfway through a dinner of battered mushrooms and listening to a story about how people suck, it can dawn on you. Open your eyes for the first time twice in one day, smell the tulips growing outside your office door, and feel the moisture falling around you.


 

hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2008, 12:00:22 PM »
Saturday, May 05, 2007 (D)

  i can see freedom, it's accross the boarder

work is a disappointment. all the people that i really looked up to have left and all i have right now are the few friends that i keep. they are the only thing that keep me sane in this prison without walls. i walked in here and locked myself in. it has been a journey and i am not complaining but sometimes...just sometimes i wished that i had the freedom to just walk away from this life and start anew. my regular pattern in life- let my feet rest for a while and walk away when the scenery gets old. the up side to my life right now is that i have actually stayed somewhere long enough to actually make strong friendships. they are like an alternate family which i personally chose to be with, to an extent. i just hate it when i'm not the one leaving first. i hate being left behind. but oh well, it's a part of life that i have to deal with and now and in the near future there will be a lot of that. this is a transitional phase for me and for almost everyone around me for that matter. it makes me only more excited about any prospective adventure that the future may bring. if we can only see the future.

hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #7 on: June 25, 2008, 12:03:11 PM »
May 4, 2007 - Friday
Ian:
  10:56 PM - JD quote.

But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too.


1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - 
 
 
 Hippie in Chains
 
 what's wrong?
you never called.

Posted by Hippie in Chains on May 5, 2007 - Saturday 08:58 AM

 
 


hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #8 on: June 25, 2008, 12:09:00 PM »
September 2, 2007 - Sunday  (Ian)

 05:04 AM - Shoppings.

Saturday, I needed my mood picked up. Des and I were talking, and she was trying her hardest to convince me to go out. Me being the pushover that I am for a wonderful time, took her up on the offer. We were in KTown from 9.30ish to about 4.30ish, walking all around, eating Sushi! (yumyum), and generally having a good time.
I walked out of it all with some good swag, and a better appreciation for a friend to help pick up my mood.

 

hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2008, 12:34:12 PM »
July 24, 2006 - Monday (Ian)

  02:56 PM - I'm puzzled (c&p from my LJ)

Editors Note: This was written a few days ago in my LJ and out of laziness only now copied over to here

Please note this is a little longer than my usual posts, and was not written in anger, but in a state of confusion, sunburn, and hyped up on Ginger Ale.

There are things that I get confused about. I'm not the brightest person in the world, but I do have my niches. Women being no where near the list, so when an issue there arrises, I either research it out or do the exact opposite of my guts. One thing I have learned in my 23 years of existance is that I do not infact listen to my guts, they always tell me to do the exact opposite of what I should do. I learned this lesson quite a few times, and each time has left me a bit more anxiety.

Me + anxiety = not a fun ride.

So when Desserin and I ended a few days ago, I felt a bit anxitious, and by a bit, I mean a lot. I shouldn't have been caught by surprise, cause breaks never ever end well. I know this personally, thrice times over. I'm not exactly hurt over it, just a bit, dumbfounded.

Usually when a breakup occurs for me, I get pissed, then I get sad, then pissed again, then regretful, and then after a while I'm back to business as usual. Not this time. I did get pissed, but it lasted for 35 minutes after which I retracted a pretty abrasive message. Then after that, she said she think about it.

Why I would think it'd work after that, I was probably the most naive I have ever been.

So I mulled it over, drank some Ginger Ale, and went back to bed. Remembering I had to be at work at 6am the next day, I can't afford being drowsy.

In a perfect world, you'd expect some conversation inbetween, some going sour which you'd end up in a fight and make up over it. Yeah that exactly didn't happen, I kept sending a message here and there, hoping for something back. Nothing really happened, and then when she did post something on her blog it was a poem which I think would be about the situation or me or her emotional state. Being a guy, I'm rather dense on emotion. Even though I'm an emotional guy, sometimes the emotional state of woman fails me. Much like adjectives and the whole of the English language. Of course now (hindsight is so wonderful), I realize the err in my ways.

But now we come to this, a blog entry she wrote today, July 23rd. I know she needs to vent her frustrations, and I do know its her right to post them. But, something left me so puzzeled, I don't know if it's about me, or what. But she mentions it all here

I'll admit, I do hate finishing last, and I'll do anything in my power to not finish there. It's a nasty habit of mine. But, who's her. I rarely have a female waiting in the wings for me, as well, females rarely find themselves my way. And when they do find my way, we usually end up friends. (Curse you platonic friend line!) I also have had the pleasure of probably being the most faithful man ever. I can't cheat, I've tried, but my conscience comes back with a vengance mostly reserved for Bond supervillians. So I don't entirely get it. If you could come back to me on it, it'd be great, and if you know who she is, is she available?

Yeah okay, that last bit is a little out of line. So now to tackle the third before last line. "I'm not a saint either, i have done my share of cheating and lying but at least i make an attempt to repair what i need to repair before i cause any permanent damage."

Yeah, a break, not talking to me about your issues about us. That's not fixing, attempting to fix, repair or attempt to repair. That's sabotage. I know she had her own issues to work on, which I wont name her, but to say, it wasn't pretty. But, about us, if there any issues about us she needed to discuss, talk. To judge someone by what they say after they find out, "I don't know about us, I think we should be apart for a while so I can figure this out." Isn't all that just. You put them so far on the defensive that you'll just end up scaring the to say anything you want them too. Now while some out there will say, "Ian, what are you talking about? I would never do anything like that."

Yeah, and I'm the King of England.

If you feel something you haven't felt in ages, or something so new that you'd do anything to keep (I know guys out there are puffing me off, but I know it's different), and you scared someone so far with the break, you'd go to measures usually reserved for Strategic Air Command. I know I did. I was scared, and I did infact lose what I wanted to keep. Though I do blame guilt for me on something, I did sort of jump the gun a bit and pushed her into a emotional corner. Hindsight, woo.

In some of my relationships, we had this thing called, "communication". It was great, people would converce back and forth about issues they had, and how they could go and fix an issue. I champion communication. It saves headaches, backaches, heartaches, and your groin if you're a guy. I admit, I tried too late to get her to talk about things, but with her not being very vocal about her issues, it was an entirely uphill effort. If she was more vocal to me about her issues, things would be different. If she felt uncomfortable, she would be sitting on a smooth cloud of velet and valour. I, would've apologized, admit I was in the wrong, and learn to use call waiting when I was talking. (which I'm still trying to work on, and I am getting better at it) If I would've had an issue, I would've brought it to her attention. And to that point, the only issue I had was that we didn't go to Paris over the July 4th weekend. Other than that, I didn't have anything bothering me. On the other hand, it was a different story with her.

I'm not hurt, not upset, just confused. You were never my plaything, I never felt superior to you, and I never felt I had to belittle you. Yeah okay, that Halo round we played was a bit much. Now that I think about it, I felt you were superior to me, just listening to you speek about your experiences, I felt small. You came from a different heritiage, one that I got very interested in. I wanted to be as well-rounded as you, as educated, book smart. You made me wanna go further, do what I always wanted, and along the way, get to know more people and get smarter. Dreams felt real for a brief moment, which hasn't happened to me. Ever.

So once again, I find myself confused. I'm trying to piece this all together, I probably wont get that far though. There's still so much I don't know, and that I'll probably never know. This one is for all those times I felt confused.

Hot town, summer in the city
Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty
Been down, isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
All around, people looking half dead
Walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head

The beach, I'll get there. I got my planned laid out, no way I will give it up now.

2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - 
 
 
 Hippie in Chains:
 
 
oh swetie, i'm sorry.

i just wanted you to know that the last blog i wrote was not about you at all. i told you that i have a LOT of issues to deal with and i am not justifying myself so that i won't look like that bad guy. if anybody has wronged anybody it would be me. i have my reasons for not being totally open with you with many of my present issues. i don't want you to get hurt about things that does not involve you at all and if you say that my battles are your battles as well, i don't work that way. we havn't been through enough together for me to open up to you as intimately as you would like me too and i won't be able to for a long time. i'm not ready for a relationship. my moodswings are too erratic, my health isn't the best and my past isn't all really my past yet. i was lonley and you were very sweet. i needed a friend and i got you. you are wonderful and everything but way too intense for me right now. you've met me, seen how i behave. i need freedom, plenty of it. something you couldn't give me without being in worlds of pain. so let me go.

you didn't do anything wrong. i'm sorry you met me. i'm sorry if i hurt you.

thanks for the offer of velvet and silk. but all i really need right now is second-hand cotton and a trip to tibet.

 


Posted by Hippie in Chains on July 25, 2006 - Tuesday 10:47 PM
[Reply to this]
 
 
  Ian:
 
 you didnt hurt me, i was just all confused about things. now its clearer now, it all makes sense now. and don't be sorry that i met you. you helped me out with a lot of things and i feel that i am a better person now. you are the best thing that has happened to me in the longest time, and i'm not ashamed to admit it.

i'll give you your freedom, and as much as you need. still be my friend, i'll let you go if you can try and promise me that.

 
 

hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #10 on: June 25, 2008, 12:45:52 PM »
(D's Blog)

Monday, June 23, 2008

 Huge f***ing smile


Finally, putting the pieces together. Things finally feel right.

The last love died way before the bottle of Captain Morgan did, but I had a secret stash. I think i kept it secret even from myself. Good thing it was visible enough for me to remember that I did have something good to look forward to. Things are falling into place.

Panama thanks you for waking it up.

Huge f***** smile.

snap!

A beautiful picture.


3:56 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
 
 
 
Saturday, June 07, 2008

 limbo


so this is limbo.

i feel like i am in a time capsule waiting for my prince to save me. fortunately, time capsules in the 21st century are fully equiped with hi-speed internet, i-tunes and lime wire. IM temporarily helps with lonliness, but my skin still longs to be touched and i long to smell the scent of a man next to me as i am wrapped in the warmth of his arms. hurry up and save me and we can watch silly youtube videos together until i fall asleep. i miss your voice. i miss you telling me that everything will be ok and i miss believing you. life is one day at a time in limbo. I am wasting away without you. and no matter how I try to sleep it away, i still wake up cold and alone. hurry up and get me.
 
 

hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #11 on: June 25, 2008, 12:49:21 PM »
From: Ian
Date: Jun 17, 2008 6:59 AM

Ramblings make sense, sometimes you have to piece it all together. :-p

I can try and make you feel safe. I'll hold you in my arms and let you nap the hours away and make sure you don't go anywhere. You're an amazing person and I'll be damned if I let you get away. :P

We'll have a house, a family, and love.

:D


hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #12 on: June 25, 2008, 12:51:11 PM »
From: Hippie in Chains
Date: Jun 23, 2008 9:54 AM


i was thinking about us today.
wow.
i love who we have become.

hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #13 on: June 25, 2008, 01:08:00 PM »
I agreed to visit him for frienship's sake.

April 08 (Ian):

Hey girl,
I have been thinking, and I have figured out something. My goal while 
you are with me. It is a doozy, well I tend to think so. But I'll keep 
it a secret for now.
I know when we were together I felt like I couldn't live without you. 
I don't know of you felt the same way, but it was a nice feeling. You 
know?
I dunno.
I don't wanna get spoiled with you here. I might have to try extra 
hard to convince you to be with me. :-p
So you are going to have to be careful. We both know how I can get. ;-)
That is unless you have something up your sleeve. Then I'd have to be 
careful of you. ;-) haha.
Silly.
Now were driving to get some chicken and I'm try to stall a little bit 
as so I can think of something to write. So hard to type on this thing 
while riding to Volgeway. Stupid roads.
Anyways.
I hope your school is going well, I'm gonna go now. I can't think of 
anything else to write, hope I didn't scare you too much with my 
romantic ramblings.

April 08
When was the last time you felt something real? I want an honest answer.

I need to feel something real.

D:
On Apr 16, 2008, at 6:03 PM, desserin custodio wrote:

cant remember which address and phone number i used for s***. i get out of work in about 30 minutes. can you stay logged on to yahoo messenger? i need an itenerary for work so my leave will be approved. i made a fake one so that my leave form will be signed but that still doesnt change the fact that i cant purchase a ticket online or over the phone.i can wire the money to you or have it put in your bank account if you wish. what ever works for you.


On Apr 16, 2008, at 10:08 PM, virgin_sand@yahoo.com wrote:

> I try to listen to signs and things aren't looking like they should 
> if I was meant to see you. I tried ian but for some reason, there 
> has been something blocking my road to you. Fate perhaps. I'm sorry 
> I didn't call. - took down the wrong number. Sounds just like me, 
> don't it? So I thought for the rest of the evening and just as much 
> as I'd like a vacation, I think that now isn't the time. I'm sorry 
> to be me again ian. I feel horrible. I hope that you won't stop 
> being my friend though. I really do care about you. Thank you and 
> ill love you always.
>
> D









hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #14 on: June 25, 2008, 01:08:47 PM »
Ian:

What annoys me is that you just don't throw caution to the wind. 
What's the point of living if you don't take a risk, grab it by the 
hair and do something that can fundamentally change everything. If it 
didn't work, it didn't work. If it did work, it'd work.

I've been trying all night how to word a response to this without 
sounding pissed off, and I can't. So I'll leave it at that.


hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #15 on: June 25, 2008, 01:19:33 PM »

(an excerpt from an email)

Mar 17, 2008 2:08 AM
Ian:

i love you des, but, im not going to be the one that is the fulcrum for you to start/stop something.

no more indecisiveness, its time you take the bull by the horns and go, "this is how it's going to be."

you know what you want more than anyone else. close your eyes and see where you go.


Date:
Mar 17, 2008 7:07 AM

Subject: ps

Body: but we both know it should be me.



hippieinchains

  • STUDENT
  • *
  • Posts: 133
  • I didn't do it!
    • Share Post
xx - To Panama (love letters and more), - Love Talk
Re: To Panama (love letters and more),
« Reply #16 on: June 25, 2008, 01:22:45 PM »

I'm so glad that he didn't give up on me.



Share via facebook Share via linkedin Share via pinterest Share via reddit Share via twitter
 

Sign-up or Log-in Free

 
 
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Powered by SMFPacks SEO Pro Mod | Sitemap
Mobile View
SimplePortal 2.3.7 © 2008-2020, SimplePortal