July 24, 2006 - Monday (Ian)
02:56 PM - I'm puzzled (c&p from my LJ)
Editors Note: This was written a few days ago in my LJ and out of laziness only now copied over to here
Please note this is a little longer than my usual posts, and was not written in anger, but in a state of confusion, sunburn, and hyped up on Ginger Ale.
There are things that I get confused about. I'm not the brightest person in the world, but I do have my niches. Women being no where near the list, so when an issue there arrises, I either research it out or do the exact opposite of my guts. One thing I have learned in my 23 years of existance is that I do not infact listen to my guts, they always tell me to do the exact opposite of what I should do. I learned this lesson quite a few times, and each time has left me a bit more anxiety.
Me + anxiety = not a fun ride.
So when Desserin and I ended a few days ago, I felt a bit anxitious, and by a bit, I mean a lot. I shouldn't have been caught by surprise, cause breaks never ever end well. I know this personally, thrice times over. I'm not exactly hurt over it, just a bit, dumbfounded.
Usually when a breakup occurs for me, I get pissed, then I get sad, then pissed again, then regretful, and then after a while I'm back to business as usual. Not this time. I did get pissed, but it lasted for 35 minutes after which I retracted a pretty abrasive message. Then after that, she said she think about it.
Why I would think it'd work after that, I was probably the most naive I have ever been.
So I mulled it over, drank some Ginger Ale, and went back to bed. Remembering I had to be at work at 6am the next day, I can't afford being drowsy.
In a perfect world, you'd expect some conversation inbetween, some going sour which you'd end up in a fight and make up over it. Yeah that exactly didn't happen, I kept sending a message here and there, hoping for something back. Nothing really happened, and then when she did post something on her blog it was a poem which I think would be about the situation or me or her emotional state. Being a guy, I'm rather dense on emotion. Even though I'm an emotional guy, sometimes the emotional state of woman fails me. Much like adjectives and the whole of the English language. Of course now (hindsight is so wonderful), I realize the err in my ways.
But now we come to this, a blog entry she wrote today, July 23rd. I know she needs to vent her frustrations, and I do know its her right to post them. But, something left me so puzzeled, I don't know if it's about me, or what. But she mentions it all here
I'll admit, I do hate finishing last, and I'll do anything in my power to not finish there. It's a nasty habit of mine. But, who's her. I rarely have a female waiting in the wings for me, as well, females rarely find themselves my way. And when they do find my way, we usually end up friends. (Curse you platonic friend line!) I also have had the pleasure of probably being the most faithful man ever. I can't cheat, I've tried, but my conscience comes back with a vengance mostly reserved for Bond supervillians. So I don't entirely get it. If you could come back to me on it, it'd be great, and if you know who she is, is she available?
Yeah okay, that last bit is a little out of line. So now to tackle the third before last line. "I'm not a saint either, i have done my share of cheating and lying but at least i make an attempt to repair what i need to repair before i cause any permanent damage."
Yeah, a break, not talking to me about your issues about us. That's not fixing, attempting to fix, repair or attempt to repair. That's sabotage. I know she had her own issues to work on, which I wont name her, but to say, it wasn't pretty. But, about us, if there any issues about us she needed to discuss, talk. To judge someone by what they say after they find out, "I don't know about us, I think we should be apart for a while so I can figure this out." Isn't all that just. You put them so far on the defensive that you'll just end up scaring the to say anything you want them too. Now while some out there will say, "Ian, what are you talking about? I would never do anything like that."
Yeah, and I'm the King of England.
If you feel something you haven't felt in ages, or something so new that you'd do anything to keep (I know guys out there are puffing me off, but I know it's different), and you scared someone so far with the break, you'd go to measures usually reserved for Strategic Air Command. I know I did. I was scared, and I did infact lose what I wanted to keep. Though I do blame guilt for me on something, I did sort of jump the gun a bit and pushed her into a emotional corner. Hindsight, woo.
In some of my relationships, we had this thing called, "communication". It was great, people would converce back and forth about issues they had, and how they could go and fix an issue. I champion communication. It saves headaches, backaches, heartaches, and your groin if you're a guy. I admit, I tried too late to get her to talk about things, but with her not being very vocal about her issues, it was an entirely uphill effort. If she was more vocal to me about her issues, things would be different. If she felt uncomfortable, she would be sitting on a smooth cloud of velet and valour. I, would've apologized, admit I was in the wrong, and learn to use call waiting when I was talking. (which I'm still trying to work on, and I am getting better at it) If I would've had an issue, I would've brought it to her attention. And to that point, the only issue I had was that we didn't go to Paris over the July 4th weekend. Other than that, I didn't have anything bothering me. On the other hand, it was a different story with her.
I'm not hurt, not upset, just confused. You were never my plaything, I never felt superior to you, and I never felt I had to belittle you. Yeah okay, that Halo round we played was a bit much. Now that I think about it, I felt you were superior to me, just listening to you speek about your experiences, I felt small. You came from a different heritiage, one that I got very interested in. I wanted to be as well-rounded as you, as educated, book smart. You made me wanna go further, do what I always wanted, and along the way, get to know more people and get smarter. Dreams felt real for a brief moment, which hasn't happened to me. Ever.
So once again, I find myself confused. I'm trying to piece this all together, I probably wont get that far though. There's still so much I don't know, and that I'll probably never know. This one is for all those times I felt confused.
Hot town, summer in the city
Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty
Been down, isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
All around, people looking half dead
Walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head
The beach, I'll get there. I got my planned laid out, no way I will give it up now.
2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment -
Hippie in Chains:
oh swetie, i'm sorry.
i just wanted you to know that the last blog i wrote was not about you at all. i told you that i have a LOT of issues to deal with and i am not justifying myself so that i won't look like that bad guy. if anybody has wronged anybody it would be me. i have my reasons for not being totally open with you with many of my present issues. i don't want you to get hurt about things that does not involve you at all and if you say that my battles are your battles as well, i don't work that way. we havn't been through enough together for me to open up to you as intimately as you would like me too and i won't be able to for a long time. i'm not ready for a relationship. my moodswings are too erratic, my health isn't the best and my past isn't all really my past yet. i was lonley and you were very sweet. i needed a friend and i got you. you are wonderful and everything but way too intense for me right now. you've met me, seen how i behave. i need freedom, plenty of it. something you couldn't give me without being in worlds of pain. so let me go.
you didn't do anything wrong. i'm sorry you met me. i'm sorry if i hurt you.
thanks for the offer of velvet and silk. but all i really need right now is second-hand cotton and a trip to tibet.
Posted by Hippie in Chains on July 25, 2006 - Tuesday 10:47 PM
[Reply to this]
Ian:
you didnt hurt me, i was just all confused about things. now its clearer now, it all makes sense now. and don't be sorry that i met you. you helped me out with a lot of things and i feel that i am a better person now. you are the best thing that has happened to me in the longest time, and i'm not ashamed to admit it.
i'll give you your freedom, and as much as you need. still be my friend, i'll let you go if you can try and promise me that.
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