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Denial and Disbelief

Probably the first thing to cross a betrayed spouse's mind when they find out about their partner's affair is "How could this be happening to me? This can't be true. I don't believe it." This is your mind's way of trying to protect you against the betrayal - a "numb" feeling that will help to cushion the blow.

Denial is an emotion that 99% of betrayed spouses will feel, even if they are confronted with definitive evidence of the affair - for example, a betrayed spouse might try to explain away a receipt for expensive jewellery by telling themselves that their partner might have bought it for them as a present and not for their lover.



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Bargaining and Guilt

When the betrayed spouse's anger starts to dissipate and they start to cool down, they may experience feelings of guilt. "What could I have done to stop them from straying? What didn't I do right? What did I do wrong? This is my fault." Once the betrayed spouse realises that their marriage could be in real trouble, they might start to bargain with their spouse and promise them everything in the world - "I'll be a better wife/husband, I'll make sure that I cook for them every night, I'll do all of their chores, I'll be better in bed."

This is a very common way to think, and some spouses will actually take this further and do everything for their spouse, even if their spouse is still having the affair. They might iron their spouse's shirts before they go out on dates, or they might stay at home with the children so that their spouse can get out of the house and spend time with "other people" - and this behaviour is because they hope that their spouse will see how much they are doing for them and they will eventually reason that their spouse is the better choice, not their lover. Unfortunately, if bargaining behaviour crosses into affair-condoning, it is unlikely that the marriage will survive.



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Acceptance

It may be difficult to believe, but eventually, the negative emotions swirling around will give way to something else entirely - acceptance. You might not be happy about what happened to you and you might actually think "I cannot accept that this has happened", but what you must remember is that accepting and acknowledging that something has happened to you is completely different to condoning it.

Acceptance can feel like a lifetime away, especially if you are in the very first stage of grief, but eventually when enough time has passed, you will be able to intellectually accept that the affair happened - but you will also be able to accept it emotionally too.

Some people will move through the stages of grief fairly quickly. Others will get "stuck" in one stage of grief or a lengthy period of time, while others will move through each stage very slowly. How quickly you move through each stage of grief entirely depends on your personal circumstances, thoughts and feelings towards your spouse. If your spouse is loving, caring and considerate and is determined to make your marriage work, you will likely move through the stages of grief more quickly.



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although I have no experience with regards to being cheated, nagbasa-basa lang ko ahead of time.. tao ra gud pud ta so we make mistakes. at least i know what to do incase purya buyag hehehehe

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It is in my belief that individuals who are habitual cheaters display an aberrant social cognitive - moral cognitive mechanism , which is part of the neurocognitive spectrum. Social cognition is the encoding, the storage, the retrieval and processing of information in the brain, which relates to conspecific spectra. This is associated with morality drive, which manifests itself as negative or positive actions. The cognition-interaction and emotion-interaction and neural bases of moral sentiment and value is critically undermined in individuals with impaired judgement. The dimensional and functional difference we have to consider in regards to individuals with proclivity for habitual cheating is the proactive and reactive psychopathic behavior. The proactive psychopath is one who cheats regularly with full intention and knowledge and planning of the act, knows the consequences of the other individual, yet commits it nevertheless. The reactive psychopath is one who responds to a stimuli at the spur of the moment without full consideration of the act.

In other words, the proactive psychopath will cheat and continue to cheat until caught. Even if he cheats, he will not feel guilty. The reactive psychopath, will display genuine feelings of remorse. Of the two, the proactive psychopath is the more dangerous as he / she has an aberrant morality drive. The processes are there, however, there is a proclivity to commit the wrong than the "right".

Individuals diagnosed with this type of psychopathy have an underlying background of physical and mental abuse during the child developmental process. This insult in their child development will lead to abnormal behavioral development,abnormal neurocognitive and attributional spectra.




This is a very interesting subject that is covered in Psychiatric Medicine, Cognitive Neuroscience, Social Psychology.




Regards,
Dr. Lucino

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You're very much welcome...

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