Author Topic: Infidelity among expats  (Read 2192 times)

hubag bohol

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Infidelity among expats
« on: July 01, 2012, 07:54:03 PM »
Facing the big taboos in marriage
Brigitta Holtkamp, Contributor
http://www.thejakartapost.com/


"When I found him talking on the phone to a woman in the middle of the night, my whole word collapsed," an American expat remembers tearfully.

Diane (not her real name) has been living in Jakarta for five years together with John, her husband of 12 years, and their three children aged six, nine and 11 years.

"It turned out that she was his mistress for some months already and suddenly all the bits fell into place."

Diane recalls the many business trips her husband made during this time, suspicious stopovers in Bali where he stayed in beach villas, longer than normal office hours and a general lack of interest in her and her needs.

"He even managed to see his mistress, a flight attendant, on the day of my birthday and let me and the children wait for him at the cinema," she recalls bitterly.

"I never doubted him, I always trusted him. But he cheated, lied to me and broke his promises. He doesn't have values anymore. I'm done with him," Diane concludes.

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Re: Infidelity among expats
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2012, 07:54:37 PM »
Soon after she discovered his affair, she asked her husband to leave their house. John, who has been living with his mistress for some weeks now, admits that he doesn't feel any guilt.

"Our marriage was not great even before we came to Jakarta. We were parents, but not a couple any more. I had the right to stray."

Diane and John's story is not a unique incident.

Michael Beaumont-Connop, psychotherapist and clinical director of ICAC Professional Services (www.icacservices.org) in Kemang, sees couples like John and Dian on a daily basis. He mainly provides counselling to English-speaking expatriates in Indonesia and has been working as a counsellor for almost 30 years all over the world.

"Infidelity happens in very, very many expatriate families and causes massive damage. Very often the family disintegrates, which is even more difficult in a foreign country and adds so much more suffering and misery to everyone involved."

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Re: Infidelity among expats
« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2012, 07:55:19 PM »
Why are marriages particularly challenged in an environment like Indonesia?

Janet, another experienced psychotherapist specialized on couple therapy, who spoke on condition of anonymity, considers expatriation itself a massive stress factor.

"If the marriage is already shaky before you leave your home country, chances are that your relationship will not survive the expatriate lifestyle," she said.

This lifestyle translates into a standard of living much higher than in the respective home countries. Fancy houses, golf clubs, maids, a cook, drivers and gardeners are readily available for living in the golden expat bubble.

It comes at a price, though. The wife typically stays at home because she doesn't have a work permit. The husband, who normally is the main breadwinner, spends most of his time away from his family. He leaves early, comes back late, or is away for days, or weeks on business trips.

While he claims pressure is on him to perform for the family income, she feels isolated, left alone with child and household tasks. Added to this, she misses her own work life, which she gave up to follow her husband. Too often, anxiety and depression set in, turning eventually to alcohol and medication to soothe her pain in some cases.

"It is a recipe for disaster," says Beaumont. "He starts to resent her whining and complaining, he leaves on the weekends more often, or accompanies his co-workers to their favourite bar."

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Re: Infidelity among expats
« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2012, 07:55:53 PM »
As Western expatriate men's status is higher than in their home countries, they are targeted by younger women. Too often an affair is the quick fix and heats up the vicious circle of guilt, pain, lack of communication and trust.

"These couples come to counselling. It's a typical, very sad problem," Beaumont says. "But there's help, and there's hope. If the couple was ever in love and that love is still somewhere kindling within, with careful understanding and proper guidance they can recover and really learn from their experience."

Still, he admits that the experience of infidelity can never be removed, as scars will always remain.

"But there can be useful lessons drawn for the moments of future difficulties from good and healing interpretations from these scars."

The standard approach in marriage counselling starts with developing an idea of what might happen in the process. This involves concepts like trust, confidentiality and nonjudgement.

"People won't change if they have no faith, or trust in the facilitator. The couple, or family, must take some ownership of the therapy," Beaumont explains.

He concedes that this task is not easy.

"You need assessment and then therapy. It's like going to a gym. You can't expect to change your entire physique in three months, when it has taken a lifetime to create."

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Re: Infidelity among expats
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2012, 07:56:21 PM »
When children come into the equation, dynamics change.

"When children are involved, usually a couple will try harder to keep a relationship. If parents separate, though, they are helped to do it with the least damage and to maximize the opportunity for continued meaningful parenting," he said.

But infidelity issues are not the only reason couples seek help.

"In fewer than 50 percent of the couples I see, infidelity is an issue," Janet estimates. "Many come because they want make a last effort before they call it quits. Others have already separated and need some advice to explore options how to do it in the best way, without causing additional damage, especially when children are involved."

Some couples need counselling because of their different communication styles and habits, which could become a threat in the future.

Kate, an Australian expatriate, and her husband Dave, wanted marriage counselling as a preventive measure.

"When you are together for many years, you know the tunes of your spouse. You've seen and heard it all. With a counsellor around, you suddenly discover new tunes, hidden messages, you have not read before. Counselling helps to make these messages clearer, you can nail them and work with them better in the future."

Thus, building and supporting a meaningful relationship, especially in an expatriate framework, seems to be the big challenge.

"People have to invest in the gym for example, and in time and effort with therapy. For couples and families, the expatriate lifestyle is one of the hardest on the planet," Beaumont says.

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Re: Infidelity among expats
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2012, 07:57:51 PM »
Yataps, maka-affair man gani diay kon kauban ang asawa, unsa pa kaha kon nag-inusara... ::P

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hubag bohol

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Re: Infidelity among expats
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2012, 07:58:36 PM »
Hmm, unsa kaha ang sitwasyon sa Tsayna kabahin niini... ::)


 ;D

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The Growing Spectre of Infidelity in China
« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2012, 08:50:12 PM »
Nov 29, 2011By Caitlin Dwyer, eChinacities.com 


"Plenty Xu," the former vice mayor of Hangzhou, reportedly had dozens of affairs. An official in Shaanxi found himself accused of corruption by his eleven mistresses.  Every few months, a new high-profile figure shocks China with revelations of an affair. This had led to self-reflection and analysis, as citizens struggle to explain their society’s rising trend of infidelity.

China is certainly not the only country dealing with infidelity scandals. Italy’s former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi battled accusations of infidelity. Movie star and former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently revealed that he had fathered a child out of wedlock. Given the cross-cultural correlation between power and infidelity, China’s revelations aren’t unusual. But their prevalence, and the volume of publicity they receive, indicates a growing fascination with cheating’s modern manifestations in Chinese society.

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The Growing Spectre of Infidelity in China
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2012, 08:51:20 PM »
Infidelity’s Effect on Chinese Society

Growing concerns about infidelity have led to legal and social changes in China. Divorce rates have risen meteorically: 17% over the first three months of 2011, according to Forbes. Shu Xin, director of the China Marriage and Family Affairs Consulting and Research Center, estimated to China Daily that 70% of divorces stem from infidelity. His high estimate illustrates the magnitude of the problem in the Chinese psyche.

The upsurge in cheating has also led China to consider revisions to the legal system.  Changes have made it easier for couples to obtain a divorce, allowing for greater ease of separation if a spouse is unfaithful. The New York Times reports that the Supreme People’s Court has decided to clarify property rights in cases of love triangles – either where a wronged spouse wishes to reclaim money spent on an affair, or to prevent third parties from laying claim to marital property.

Infidelity can cause a culture of mistrust. The BBC writes that paternity testing in China increased dramatically in the early 2000s, a direct result of suspicions of cheating among couples. For a country where family stability is a core value, infidelity – and the resulting changes to family structure – is causing earthquakes.

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The Growing Spectre of Infidelity in China
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2012, 08:52:22 PM »
Potential causes and influences

Many argue that China’s re-emergent mistress culture is more about power than lust. The Guardian quoted a report from Beijing Daily, which found that "14 of the 16 most senior officials found guilty of gambling, illegal property deals and money laundering also had mistresses." With excess money to spend and an inflated sense of entitlement, perhaps some of China’s nouveau riche see affairs as affordable luxuries. "Keeping a mistress is just like playing golf," a Shenzhen property developer told The New York Times in August. "Both are expensive hobbies." Ernai, or second wives, are often kept as status symbols, provided with apartments, salaries and expensive gifts. Shu Xin told China Daily, "Nowadays, many people think an extramarital affair is a symbol of success."

China’s rising affluence is a contributing factor. Dr. David Schmitt is the head of the International Sexuality Description Project (ISDP), a psychology research project designed to study human sexuality characteristics across cultures. Dr. Schmitt collaborated with colleagues around the world to administer surveys, including in culturally Chinese Taiwan and Hong Kong. He found that as living conditions in a nation improve, the level of sociosexuality (a person’s willingness to engage in more promiscuous behaviour) rises. China’s rising standard of living may be a key factor in its new abundance of short-term relationships, casual hook-ups and mistress-toting mayors.

Women’s role in society also alters sexual behaviour. Most of China’s media attention has been on male officials. However, a 2001 study by the All-China Women’s Federation, cited in the New York Times, noted that 30% of divorced women had been unfaithful. Dr. Schmitt hypothesizes that women’s economic independence changes their sexual behaviour. In more traditional societies, women tend to focus on long-term mating strategies: monogamous relationships and childbearing. However, "when women gain financial independence they are more able to follow their short-term mating desires," Dr. Schmitt wrote in an email. This may include short-term affairs and casual relationships.

China’s shift from rural to urban may also have an effect. Dr. Schmitt notes that urban settings increase risky sexual behaviour. "As more people move into cities, short-term mating is going to become more prevalent," he wrote. Urbanisation in China has increased drastically in the last few decades. "The annual influx of rural migrants to China's cities increased from 9 million in 1989, to nearly 30 million a decade later," writes Thomas Campanella, author of The Concrete Dragon: China's Urban Revolution and What it Means for the World. A rapidly increasingly urban population may contribute to changing sexual habits.

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The Growing Spectre of Infidelity in China
« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2012, 08:53:49 PM »
Some blame the influence of popular culture – everything from K-Pop to K-Fed. Provocative entertainment may challenge traditional mores. Today’s Chinese are "richer, freer and more independent-minded," Victor Lee, a film producer, told CNN. "These social changes are reflected in recent movies and television series, which depict love triangles and other marital problems." Films can often glamorise adultery. Amanda Xie, a high school teacher from Kunming, said, "Films teach us how to act. Those kinds of movies glitter the betrayal."

Another possible influence on modern infidelity is China’s history of second wives.  In 1950, the Communist party outlawed concubinage. But before that time, concubines had been integrated into society, serving as companions to high-ranking persons. China’s emperors continued to take concubines up until the last emperor, Puyi, whose consort eventually divorced him in 1931. As a result, the historical connection to concubines is relatively recent in Chinese cultural memory.

Concubines have played important roles in China’s history. The Empress Wu, a former concubine to the Emperor, worked her way up to become the ruler of all China during the Tang Dynasty. The life of Yang Guifei, the favourite consort of Emperor Xuanzong, has been dramatised in plays, films, novels and even a television show. Often romanticised, concubines have lived on as figures of fantasy and imagination. While no longer a formal part of Chinese society, their historical influence remains.

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The Growing Spectre of Infidelity in China
« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2012, 08:55:51 PM »
A Growing Concern

China is re-examining its expectations about marriage. Modernisation has led to greater flexibility with traditional values, both for better and worse. While infidelity is hardly exclusive to China, it is, for the moment, a major source of self-reflection and worry for many Chinese people. -- http://www.echinacities.com/





 :-\

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