Reg Henry
Las Vegas Revenue JournalThe recent study in the journal science that suggest some early humans mated with Neanderthals should come as a surprise to no one. Although the Neanderthals became extinct 30000 years ago it seems the their DNA lives on in people today, evidently in some more than others.
Indeed most women today will tell you they have dated a Neanderthal at some time in their lives. They do not mean this as a compliment.
That cultural bias needs to be put aside. My inner Neanderthal pleads for understanding. It is no crime to resist change or to have a big brain but not think much. (today we have TV and talk radio and to be properly enjoyed, both demand blankness of mind.) There’s also nothing wrong with having hair all over your body, although those of us whose hair stopped short of covering our heads think it is a cruel joke that nature has played.
I have lately leant red that when I write, I grunt- some say growl- and everybody in the office knows this, even the people nest department over partition, and nobody ever said anything about it to unknowing me. Grrrr! Sensitive to all this, I am thinking of getting a bumper sticker: “Hug a Neanderthal Todayâ€.
As one who sits in an editorial department cave and grunts through the medium of the newspaper and Internet, it is my fate to come into contact with my other people of obvious Neanderthal ancestry who could do with a hug.
These correspondents may not like me--judging by their angry, territorial noises, many do not- but appears they recognize a shared kinship to that distant time when we were Neanderthals all, back in our limestone lairs with no government to restrict our freedom. What a wonderful life it must have been, marred only the attacks of wild beast and the scolding primitive liberals.
Of course, my dear mother would not approve of me lining our family tree to that of Neanderthals. She would insist that it was all on my father’s side and want me to make that distinction clear in her honor. Dad, however, would have been amused.
A sense if humor is surely a Neanderthal trait. If you looked like they did, all hairy with brutish features, you would have developed a sense of humor, too, In order to get a date, the nights were dark back then but not so dark as to hide romantics shortcomings.
No, a young Neanderthal had to develop a joke or two if he hoped to attract one of those highfalutin Homo sapien girls always going on about how their family used superior tools and had better cave painting of elk.
Still, the scientist believe a few Neanderthals got lucky, and one can only imagine the tense scene when the girl introduced the social hairy friend to her parents. “So, son, tell me about your career. Is there a prospect of you being transferred to the main cave?†Of course, it could have been the girl who made the first advances. Since time immemorial, certain women have always had a talent for making bad choices in men, and speaking for many men, let me jus say we are very grateful.
This physical attraction isn’t as absurd as it seems, yes, the Neanderthals were not fashion plates, but they were strong and muscular. The males would lift huge boulders and move them from one side of the cave to the other then repeat the process. They didn’t think enough to ever question why they did this, but in their defense it helped fill in the time until couches, beer and sports on TV could be invented.
Interestingly, wives to this day tell their husbands to move furniture from one side of the house to the other and the husbands, following the commands of their archaic DNA, do it without comprehending why.
I worry about my fellow Neanderthals today. Our distant cousins died out because they refused to evolve intellectually. They had big heads but little thoughts. The same old tools were always good enough for them. Likewise the same old attitudes. “Fight or Flight? We fight, ooh, ooh, ooh! Flight is like cut and run.â€
The ancient ones kept telling the same one or two jokes, until their mates could not stand it anymore, “If I hear the one about the mammoth who sat on the caveman just once more, you snooze outside with the saber tooths.†Now some of the modern ones say, “Did you hear that Obama thinks there are 57 states, ha ha ha!†Hug a Neanderthal today. Some of us just don’t know when are we grunting ourselves to extinction.
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Reg Henry is a columnist for the Pittsburg Post Gazette.
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Topic: SPARE A HUG FOR TODAY’S NEANDERTHALS (Read 866 times)