Author Topic: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person  (Read 5268 times)

Kerstin

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10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« on: May 14, 2011, 10:21:02 PM »
~by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A~


#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.

The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after they're married... for the worst!"

So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2011, 10:21:14 PM »
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.

Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2011, 10:21:59 PM »
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.

Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.

The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2011, 10:22:54 PM »
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.

There are three basic ways we connect with another person:

   1. chemistry and compatibility
   2. share common interests
   3. share common life goal

Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.

This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2011, 10:23:34 PM »
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.

Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.

It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #5 on: May 14, 2011, 10:24:08 PM »
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.

To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"

This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.

Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #6 on: May 14, 2011, 10:24:41 PM »
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.

Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!

Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2011, 10:25:24 PM »
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.

Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?

Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2011, 10:26:52 PM »
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

    If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.

If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.

If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #9 on: May 14, 2011, 10:27:56 PM »
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.

To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.

Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2011, 08:29:49 PM »
You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.

     Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable?

            Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2011, 01:17:29 AM »
Nice....singles should watch out on this as this is true...some of the numbers happen to me right now... :-[

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2011, 01:32:37 AM »
Hmm, very interesting. Given, there are issues that I have with my gf and there are some issues she has with me, however, is it ever possible to find a 'perfect' person? One important aspect of a relationship that is necessary for it to succeed and to blossom , which many of us fail to manifest, is the issue of Compromise. Sometimes, we have to compromise with our partners.

We can't get everything we want. I can't force her into anything, neither can she force me into something that I don't want to do. Hence, the issue of compromise is ideally and equivocally important in the relationship.

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2011, 01:47:44 AM »
Correct but since you came from different family background,adjustment is always there..good family breeding is very important in a person.

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #14 on: May 20, 2011, 01:52:52 AM »
In regards to my darling babycakes, she is very hard headed and driven. Traits that I love and admire in a woman. However, there are times when I am doing work and doing something important when she comes and demands that I do something for her or help her out.

She is so strong minded, and willfully resolute that we sometimes clash. We have similar personalities, you see. And we both are equally sensitive.

I find myself giving in to her and conceding to her many a time in order to evade quarrels. I guess as compromise.

She does to, at times, but she has a very powerful personality. She is a medical intern , like myself, and does not believe in giving into any man or woman. Isug jamo.



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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #15 on: May 20, 2011, 01:58:58 AM »
Quick resolution.

At times when we argue, I can say some very hurtful things that distance us apart. I had to change this aspect of myself and force myself from being distant after a fight and to take up the role of reconciliator and redeemer of the relationship. For the first time in my life, I would go to her and ask for apology, on my knees and solve the problem before it escalated.

I never did this before.

However, i found myself being capable of doing this to solve the problem. She is so very sensitive to even the slightest provocation.



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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #17 on: May 22, 2011, 07:49:22 AM »
It is better for the person to stay single or not married, but if it will make him/her to commit adultery or having contacts with different persons, then, it is better to marry ( qouted from the Bible). In my opinion, marriage is the best way to combat these sexually trasmitted diseases.

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #18 on: May 22, 2011, 04:30:29 PM »

#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.

The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married.

Indeed. Don't expect the kiss of your love to transform your frog of a loved one into a handsome prince. If he's a frog, he will remain a frog.

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #19 on: May 22, 2011, 08:42:27 PM »

Indeed. Don't expect the kiss of your love to transform your frog of a loved one into a handsome prince. If he's a frog, he will remain a frog.

ahh, but life has many possibilities.  sometimes, one can marry a prince who will turn into a frog. ;D

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #20 on: May 22, 2011, 09:24:57 PM »

ahh, but life has many possibilities.  sometimes, one can marry a prince who will turn into a frog. ;D

He was a frog to begin with, believe me. It just so happened that, among life's many possibilities, you mistook him for a prince... ;D 

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #21 on: May 22, 2011, 10:21:24 PM »

He was a frog to begin with, believe me. It just so happened that, among life's many possibilities, you mistook him for a prince... ;D 

oh, please, stop croaking.  first, we're not talking about me here.  we're talking about those other girls out there who are not color blind but whose life partners slowly changed their skin color from tan to green. 

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #22 on: May 23, 2011, 09:33:09 PM »

oh, please, stop croaking.  first, we're not talking about me here.  we're talking about those other girls out there who are not color blind but whose life partners slowly changed their skin color from tan to green. 

Hmm, it's just the tan overlay flaking off as time goes by... ;D

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #23 on: May 24, 2011, 02:43:38 PM »
It is better for the person to stay single or not married, but if it will make him/her to commit adultery or having contacts with different persons, then, it is better to marry ( qouted from the Bible). In my opinion, marriage is the best way to combat these sexually trasmitted diseases.

Ah yes, one should have temperance and prudence in this situation. Thanks for sharing your view, Ruben.

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #24 on: May 24, 2011, 03:03:21 PM »
unsa nga number day?


Nice....singles should watch out on this as this is true...some of the numbers happen to me right now... :-[

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #25 on: May 25, 2011, 07:39:37 PM »
If all the Science in the world could explain everything.....Could PHYSICS explain why we fall in love with someone without affected by gravity? And why can't LOGIC help us to make things right when we are in love? Would CHEMISTRY give us the elements of love and its formula?

Or could ANATOMY and PHYSIOLOGY locate the scars in our heart?  :P

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #26 on: May 25, 2011, 09:12:39 PM »
If all the Science in the world could explain everything.....Could PHYSICS explain why we fall in love with someone without affected by gravity? And why can't LOGIC help us to make things right when we are in love? Would CHEMISTRY give us the elements of love and its formula?

Or could ANATOMY and PHYSIOLOGY locate the scars in our heart?  :P

haha.


my response:

the supposed 'scars' of the heart are not really in the heart, but in the depths of the cerebral cortex in conjunction with the hypothalamo-limbic system.

what we see with our eyes, touch with our fingers and hands, feel with our body, and hear with our ears are all the main factors that equate to feeling love, and being loved. however, all of these so called senses are governed by the combined processes of the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system, which are nothing but aspects of the greater nervous system -- in other words, the brain.

so in retrospect, the concept of love is nothing but human rationalization of the electrical impulses that govern the neuromuscular junction , which in turn receives and directs sensations to the brain.

love , the sensation of, feeling of, rationalization of, and philosophizing of , is just a neurological manifestation.

;)

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #27 on: May 26, 2011, 05:25:00 AM »
haha.


my response:

the supposed 'scars' of the heart are not really in the heart, but in the depths of the cerebral cortex in conjunction with the hypothalamo-limbic system.

what we see with our eyes, touch with our fingers and hands, feel with our body, and hear with our ears are all the main factors that equate to feeling love, and being loved. however, all of these so called senses are governed by the combined processes of the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system, which are nothing but aspects of the greater nervous system -- in other words, the brain.

so in retrospect, the concept of love is nothing but human rationalization of the electrical impulses that govern the neuromuscular junction , which in turn receives and directs sensations to the brain.

love , the sensation of, feeling of, rationalization of, and philosophizing of , is just a neurological manifestation.

;)

Oh wow dockie to be..thanks very many este very mucho ^_^ Oh my gosch why am not able to come up with that fact ha? Maybe its just b'coz im not familiar with nervous system ahihihi

LoVe is a state of mind uhumn..(Greys anatomy)

Gorja in ekcelsis deus..! amen.. ;D

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #28 on: May 26, 2011, 08:23:52 AM »

Gorja in ekcelsis deus..! amen.. ;D

Three cheers for La Gorja! ;D

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #29 on: May 26, 2011, 08:29:56 AM »
..flores de Mayo..LoVe is so many splendored thingy..toinks..:-)

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #30 on: May 26, 2011, 10:12:09 AM »

Especially if your lovey-dovey kunohey is a many-flavored tortey? :P

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #31 on: May 26, 2011, 11:04:05 AM »
Kerstin,

Love, truly, is all in the mind. The mind is such a powerful thing; the notion of 'love' elicits such a prominent euphoric effect , due to the release of hormones such as endorphin, serotonin, oxytocin etc.

;)

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #32 on: May 26, 2011, 06:52:21 PM »
Three cheers for La Gorja! ;D

..one for the road,two for the kanaw..? ;:-)

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #33 on: May 26, 2011, 06:53:50 PM »
Kerstin,

Love, truly, is all in the mind. The mind is such a powerful thing; the notion of 'love' elicits such a prominent euphoric effect , due to the release of hormones such as endorphin, serotonin, oxytocin etc.

;)

The euphorie of LoVe kay makaboangon ra ba..keep it slowly but sure ahihihi

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hubag bohol

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #34 on: May 26, 2011, 06:59:41 PM »

He he, katilaw ka lagig profound lecture... So how's your oxytocin level as a result? ;D

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #35 on: May 26, 2011, 07:26:24 PM »
He he, katilaw ka lagig profound lecture... So how's your oxytocin level as a result? ;D

,,okidokie ra mada pagsmile ^_^ ang beta karottin mao taas kailangan kasi u know..?

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #36 on: May 26, 2011, 07:35:17 PM »

,,okidokie ra mada pagsmile ^_^ ang beta karottin mao taas kailangan kasi u know..?

Hmm, nagkinahanglan kag butakal-oten, este, betacar-otene?

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #37 on: May 26, 2011, 07:49:06 PM »
Hmm, nagkinahanglan kag butakal-oten, este, betacar-otene?

Whaa ka brutal..ang karots baya maau daw sa mata para tin-aw inagtinutokay..? ^_^

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #38 on: May 26, 2011, 08:02:32 PM »

Whaa ka brutal..ang karots baya maau daw sa mata para tin-aw inagtinutokay..? ^_^

He he, bitaw, makasamot baya pud sa lamorok ang red, orange, and yellow pigments sa carotenoids... ;D

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Kerstin

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Re: 10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
« Reply #39 on: May 26, 2011, 10:31:51 PM »
yellow skin pigments morag napos-an ug apdo diay..sakto ba na? ngahi hehehe

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