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Harry Potter Predictions
« on: July 14, 2007, 08:25:55 PM »
Here's something I wrote two years ago and published some months later in lifestylebohol of The Bohol Chronicle just because there was extra space.  I hope it's instructive.  Just note that the predictions were made two years ago and the book will only come out this month, two years later.  :-\  Beware, too, because it's very dark.  There are a lot of deaths here. 
(I deleted this from the other Harry Potter thread in this forum because it didn't really fit in.)

Harry Potter Predictions
(as approved by Prof. Sibyll Trelawney)

Next year, the seventh and (purportedly) last of the Harry Potter books will come out.  Being a gifted seer, I have had visions of what this one will be and I will impart them to you now.

However, since some of you may not have yet read the Half-Blood Prince and since I am also a very considerate gifted seer, I shall be discreet with these divinations that I have already shared to Prof. Trelawney and which have met with her pleasure and approval.

Firstly, Harry Potter’s life will be in grave danger.

Together with Ron Weasley, he shall face mortal peril.  This shall be because Mars and Jupiter are in line with the Moon and the stars of Cassiopeia have run off to the Ursa Major with Orion’s Belt.

Hermione Granger will have already died in the first page of the first chapter of the book after suffocating on a hairball coughed up by Crookshanks and just because Prof. Trelawney says so.

There will be no Hogwarts for Potter this year.

His further instruction in the arts of magic will be undertaken by an unrelenting Dobby and a sincerely unwilling Kreacher, who shall ceaselessly beat himself on the head with a club every time he shares magical instructions.

Potter will enlist the help of some members of the Order of the Phoenix to help him in his quest for the horcruxes.  However, this will be unavailing as these members of the Order will all die in their first adventure, overwhelmed by the stench of the accumulated manure of a million blast-ended skrewts and thereafter crushed to death by stampeding hippogriffs.

The position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher will be abolished as it appears to have been of no discernible use in THE LAST SIX FRIGGIN’ BOOKS, DAMMIT!  However, Peeves will appropriate the title of DADA teacher for himself and he will spend his time dropping Dungbombs and the latest of Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes on unsuspecting students, particularly Neville Longbottom, among other pranks.

The identity of the mysterious R.A.B. will be revealed and it will be shown that this very powerful wizard is, in fact, the schizophrenic half of Rubeus Hagrid who, after finishing a correspondence course for a doctoral degree in advanced magic with the Siquijor Advanced School for Barang, has begun to call himself the Anti-Dark Lord Ruus Ar Hegbid.  The note in the locket was just a precaution in case of his death, which, of course, is inevitable.

A trusted member of the Order will betray its secrets to Voldemort.  With everyone despairing and disheartened at this development, Severus Snape will come to save the day…or will he?  Eventually, Snape will be buried and his epitaph will read, “I kept them guessing ’til the very end…or did I?”

A son of a trusted Death Eater will also betray Voldemort’s secrets to Potter, at which the former will be boiled alive in baby oil by Hewhomustnotbenamed and thereafter devoured by toothless werewolves.

As for the loveteams, Ron will hook up with Moaning Myrtle after his eventual death.  Meanwhile, Harry will find the girl of his dreams in Luna Lovegood but they will not live happily ever after since Luna will die, too.

Failing in the quest for the remaining horcruxes, which they assumed after the death of the Order members, Harry Potter and Friends will all perish in their attempt to subdue the singular scourge of the wizarding world.  The best that they will be able to manage is a spell returning Voldemort to infancy and sending him to a tropical country.

Thus, in the end, the Dark Lord Voldemort, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the Heir of Slytherin who bears same name as his Muggle father, Tom Marvolo Riddle, shall be reborn in the Philippines, where he shall be known by the most fearsome epithet of “Junjun.”

Buno!  Bangko-lamesa, tinidor-kutsara, plato-platito, sud-an, adobo, pahawa ka!

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