MikeLigalig.com

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November 21, 2015 8:03 AM


By Kira Asatryan


There’s this word that you probably use all the time. It’s a seemingly harmless word — close to meaningless, really — but it’s slowly, subversively tainting your relationships.

Look back over any recent texts and emails you’ve sent to friends. If they look something like this, you’re caught in this word’s trap:

“I’d love to hang out! But I’m really busy.”
“Sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier! I’ve been so busy.”
“What’s going on with me? Just busy as usual!”

You guessed it. The single-word saboteur is BUSY.

It’s stealthily driving your friends away, and it’s time to eliminate it from your social vocabulary.

To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with actually being busy: People can certainly have many obligations and still maintain great relationships. And it’s not being busy that drives people away; it’s the word itself.

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2. It’s open to (negative) interpretation.

The vague nature of “I’m really busy” leaves the real reason why you’re being unavailable to a friend open to interpretation. While many people will accept “being busy” as enough of a reason for not hanging out the first few times you use it, eventually friends will see it as a veil over a more sinister reason for staying away: Maybe you don’t like them anymore and are too afraid to say it.

In other words, “busy” allows others to fill in the blank of your true intentions. Often, they will fill that blank with a negative assumption. In a worst-case scenario, friends may feel like your “busy” is a way of blowing them off without having to state a reason for doing so.

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Three better options:

All that being said, just because “busy” is not a word that generates closeness, that doesn’t mean you can’t communicate the same thing in a way that does. Here are some tips for telling your friends you just can’t right now, without hurting their feelings:

1. Be more specific

There’s an easy way to eliminate the vagueness of “busy” and that’s telling friends specifically what you’re busy doing. Of course, this takes more of your time and effort — something that can be challenging when you’re already really swamped. But it’s worth doing because the difference in how the message is received is significant.

Let’s say you invite a friend to your birthday party and she writes back: “I’d love to but I’m really busy!” But what if she had written: “I’d love to but Jack has a karate competition that evening and he specifically asked me to watch him this time. Have some champagne for me, though!”

Feel the difference? The second message explains your friend’s reasoning, gives context, and communicates that she’s still invested in your happiness. The first message, frankly, is a blow-off.

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3. Determine if you need to have a difficult conversation.

And now, it’s time to confront the dark side of “busy.” As we all know, “being busy” can be a method by which we disengage from a relationship we no longer want to have. The kids call it “ghosting” — distancing yourself from a relationship without ever explaining why. If you’re using “busy” in this way, it’s worth determining if you need to have that difficult conversation with the person you’re ghosting. While it’s always uncomfortable to “break up” with a friend, some friendships deserve this attention. In some cases, it’ll cause great sadness to both parties to “busy” a friendship to death.

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