MikeLigalig.com

Whahahahaha.

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kung cellphone imong gamit, mas dako pa imong ibajad sa phone kay sa imong guiorder..hehehe

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Horoscope for today!
bisdak, bisaya jokes, bisaya joke, binisaya, binisaya jokes,
Mukatol imong lubot murag may mogimuk
daw gi-kagid nga di ka kasabot ayaw
pangutot kay musamot
likayi nag pagkalot kay ang KIGWA
mosulpot! Hehehe
=================================================
Unang adlaw…
Pedro: Ayo, naa mo babol gam?
Tindero: Wa mi babol gam.
bisdak, bisaya jokes, bisaya joke, binisaya, binisaya jokes,
Ikaduhang adlaw…
Pedro: Ayo, naa mo babol gam?
Tindero: Wa lagi mi babol gam. Sigeg samok uy.

Ikatulong adlaw…
Pedro: Ayo, naa mo babol gam?
Tindero: Giingnan na ta ka gahapong wa mi babol gam. Mobalik pa gani ka diri ugma pusilan tika.

Pagkaugma…
Pedro: Ayo, naa mo pusil?
Tindero: Wala.
Pedro: Aw, naa mo babol gam?
=================================================
Isko: Gubot gyod ang kinabuhi.
Paeng: Mao, kinagubotan. Tan-awa naminyo kos biyuda nga may anak dalaga. Gipakaslan pod ni Tatay ang anak. Nanay na hinuon nako ang dalaga, ug si Tatay akong anak. Ang asawa nako, ugangan ni Tatay. Kon manganak sila, lolo ko sa akong igsoon. Kagubot gyod!
=================================================

Konduktor: Kinsa ning kanding dinhi?
Pedro: Ako na!
Konduktor: Plitihan tani ha?
Pedro: O’ pangutan-a lang kung naa ba na sya’y kwarta!
=================================================
k******n nasakpan

Ako: Sakpan! Ikaw diay k******n diri ug lubi hah,.!
Ikaw: Sakpan gani,sakpan gud! Di lang magpakurat! mahart atak man pud ta nimo. Relax lang gud,..!
================================================
Boy: Di na madayon atong kasal
Girl: Ngano man?
Boy: Imong kuya man gud.
Girl: Di wui! Nagustohan gani ka niya.
Boy: Mao gani,.naka-like sad ko niya!
================================================
Manny Pacquiao namadlong.

Dear te
Dear te
Dear te
Many Pacquiao namadlong sa iya anak ngdula sa knal
Psst! Dear te lage!

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k******n nasakpan

Ako: Sakpan! Ikaw diay k******n diri ug lubi hah,.!
Ikaw: Sakpan gani,sakpan gud! Di lang magpakurat! mahart atak man pud ta nimo. Relax lang gud,..!

hahahha. wa diay moingon: Di lang gud ka magpakurat diha, matagak gani ta! hahaha.

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Hehe, pagka bogoy ba gayud aneng cebuano nga bol-anon. haha



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Ito ang mga Pinoy Headlines bukas:
·   Tahanang Walang Hagdan, inakyat!!!
·   Capt. Hook dumaan sa Quiapo, pinirata!!!
·   Bakla sumali sa away, napasubo!!!
·   Unanong madre, napagkamalang penguin!!!
·   Bulag, nagdilim ang paningin, nanaksak!!!
·   Tindera ng suka, tinoyo!!!
·   Bastos na teacher, tinuruan ng leksyon!!!
·   Eroplano nag-crash, lahat ng pasahero namatay sabi ng mga survivor!!!
·   Basurero nagsampa ng kaso, binasura!!!
·   Dahil sa taas ng tuition, eskwelahan ng mga bingi, nagnoise barage!!!
·   Lalaki natagpuang pugot ang ulo, inaalam pa kung buhay!!!
·   Barbero tumestigo sa krimen, ayaw paniwalaan!!!
·   Misis ng photographer, nakunan!!!
·   Tindera ng tubig, namatay sa uhaw!!!
·   Kaso ng pilay, nilalakad!!!
·   Invisible man, nakita na!!!
·   Labandera nagkamali, sinabon!!!
·   Lalaki kumain ng boneless bangus, natinik!!!
·   Janitor sumali sa basketball, nilampaso!!!
·   Paco binaha, kinalawang!!!
·   Dahil lagi raw tulog, guwardiya binantayan!!!
·   Plantsadora, nadawit sa gusot!!!!!
·   Runner na inutangan, tinakbuhan!!!!
·   Tindera ng karne, nasagasaan... naging gulay!!!!
·   Tindera ng mais, nagpatawa... corny!
·   Nandaya sa baraha, binalasa!!!!
·   Coconut vendor, naBUKO ng asawa na may kabit!!!!
·   Buntis, nasagasaan........ anak nakailag!


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Naming names

Anak:: Nay? bakit po VICTORIA ang name ni ate?
Nanay: Kasi anak dun namin siya ginawa ng itay mo....
Anak: Eh bakit si bunso, ANITO?
Nanay: Ay, tumigil ka na nga LUNETA at baka mapalo kita! tawagin mo na si kuya FX mo!

Anniversary Gift

Wife: Dear, ano regalo mo sa 25th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Dalhin kita sa Africa...
Wife: Wow! How sweet naman... eh! sa 50th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Susunduin na kita!

Physically Stronger

Women are physically stronger than men... Why?
Because women can carry two mountains at the same time! while men can carry only two eggs...
Take Note! ..... with the help of a bird pa!

Magsasaka

Farmer: lalaki talaga ang aking anak kasi nagsasaka na, "ano ang plano mong itanim sa sakahan mo anak?"
Anak: flowers Papa! lots of Bongacious Flowers!!

Lamok

Anak: tay, hindi ako makatulog kasi maraming lamok.
tatay: i-off natin ilaw para hindi tayo makita
(pagpatay sa ilaw dumating mga alitaptap)
anak: hala ka tay, nagdala sila ng flashlight

Art
Lalake: Ito bang pangit na ito ang tinatawag ninyong "art?" Ang pangit! Nakakasuka! Painting ba ito?
Guide: Hindi po sir. Salamin yan!

Malaking Krus
Naglalakad ang mag-ama sa siyudad at nakakita ng eroplano.
Anak: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!
Tatay: (binatukan ang anak) Nakita mo nang krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!

Weakness
Sa loob ng mall nakita nang asawang lalaki ang dati niyang girlfriend at ipinaalam sa kanyang asawa.
Husband: Love, yan ang dati kong girlfriend!
Wife: Ang pangit pangit naman!
Husband: Wala akong magagawa eh, yan talaga ang weakness ko

Padala
Boss: Ipadala mo nga itong sulat kay Mr. Saycon.
Secretary: (bisaya) Sir, iTITI-legram ko ba or iKIKI-ble?
Boss: Tanga! i-FUCKS mo!


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hahahaha Ray, naa jud diay kay collection sa pangpakatawa ha! 

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grazie, puro ra ni recollection. hehehehe

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Funny Grammar Booboos

Boyfriend to Girlfriend, may LQ: What do you take me for?! Granted?

Guard, answering the telephone: Hello?... Ah yes, for a while. Please hang yourself.

Starlet in an interview: If the odds are against me, then I will against them.

Inday Badiday asks a starlet about her mother's burial.
Inday: Kumusta ang libing ng nanay mo?
Starlet: Successful naman po.

Army officer to cadet: "Do you know why I ask you to stand?" "No, sir."
"Ok, why?" (anlabo!)

Teacher to students: Baka gusto nyong ibilad ko kayo sa covered courts?

Teacher: Class, I want you to watch sex scenes (sixth sense).
Class: What?! Teacher!
Teacher: What's wrong? It's a beautiful film starring Bros Welles (Bruce Willis)
Class: Aah, Sixth Sense!

Sa isang examination:
Student: Mam, pwedeng gumamit ng liquid paper?
Teacher: Ang kulit naman! Sinabi nang pad paper lang eh.

After the examination:
Teacher: Okey, time is up. One, two, three. Come your papers to me!

A reporter interviews a politician about the Philippine economy.
Politician says: Talagang mahirap ang buhay natin ngayon. Pero slow by slow, we will success.

Teacher: Sorry, class. I'm late. My mother died three years ago. And now she's dead. (Ano daw?!)

Heard in a fastfood chain:
Yaya: Ma'm, gusto po ni Mark ng KIDNEY MEAL!

Teacher: What is ur name?
Student: Dell.
Teacher: What is ur old? (maybe she meant how old are you?)

In a restaurant:
Waiter: Sir, How do you want your egg?
Customer: Side in, side out.

Mom interviews her daughter's suitor.
Mom: What's your course?
Suitor: Geo po (for geology).
Mom: Ahhh... Geo-rnalism. Ok yan. (ok nga!)

Guy to Girl: I love you. This is not a ball. ("Hindi ito bola" in English)

Teacher to students: Okay, form two straight circles and find your height alphabetically!

Teacher to students: Okay class, it's time to go home. Form a line and pass out slowly.

Angry teacher to student: I want you to bring your father and your mother, especially your parents, understood?! Bring them tomorrow in front of me, right here, right now!

Emcee, in a party: The next song is the favorite song of my best friend, and neither do I!

Posted in an establishment: None ID, nothing entry.

Teacher: Oy, magdala kayo ng chip ahoy a.
Student: Miss may "s" yon...
Teacher: A, sorry. Chip ahoys!

Two lousy-in-english friends talking to each other.
Friend 1: Am I raining outside?
Friend 2: Not yet. Sprinkle only.

In an awards night, presentor goes: And the winner for Best Comedy Show is Okay Ka, Pare Ko! of IBS channel 13. (Ever heard of that?)

Alma Moreno, in her show introduces Nora Aunor who comes in late:
Finally, please welcome, the late Nora Aunor.


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The Tri Stages of Sex in Marriage"
1. Tri-Weekly
2. Try-Weekly
3. Try-Weakly

"The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life"
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off her clothes".
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide".
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in front or at the back?”
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?”
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it’s inside, you'll LOVE it!
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll loose interest!”
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep in the bush, always shoots twice eats what
he shoots, but keeps telling her, "keep quiet and lie still!”


"What is the Difference Between Them?"
01. A successful man is one who makes more money, than his wife can spend. A successful woman is the one who can find such a man.
02. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
03. A man will pay 2 pesos for a 1-peso item he wants. A woman will pay 1 peso for a 2
pesos that she doesn't want.
04. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
05. There are times when a man doesn't understand a woman-before and after marriage.
06. To happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
07. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
08. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
09. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
10.Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.


"The Seven Kind of a Passionate Women"
1. The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
2. The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"
3. The Confused - "Yes! No! No!Yes! Yes! Yes! No! No!"
4. The Asthmatic - Written rendition of gasping!
5. The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"
6. The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
7. The Mathematician - " More! More! More! More!"


I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on Roxas Blvd. I look over to my left and there's this woman in a Honda City doing 80 kph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I look away for a
couple of seconds and when I look back she's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad.
That I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee!


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Bag-ong findings bahin sa lechon baboy. 

Ang lechon dili maka high blood. 
Ang maka high blood kanang gusto ka mokaon ug lechon pero wa ka salini. Mao kanang maka high blood.   


Happy weekend everyone.  Keep smiling. 
 







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Sperm count

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, and no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Hahahahaha - What were you thinking?


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Hehe, nigawas ra jung mga maldito sa TB.  Daghan ra pa daw dinhe nga mga Guto alaP  (baliha ang guto alap)     hehe


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Unsay ehem ba? Nakasagap kag abog Vits? engggggggg...

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Whahahahaha. Ga nganga diay ka ga lakaw.

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  whahahahahahaha

BnC, hope you identified the voice of your wife?  Pastilan maoy gidangat!

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paita sa gidangatan oi! hwahahhaha!

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TAGALOG TERMS

1. BAKTOL --- ang ikatlong lebel ng mabahong  amoy sa kili-kili. ang baktol ay  kapareho ng amoy ng nabubulok na bayabas. ito'y dumidikit sa damit, at humahalo sa pawis. madalas na naaamoy tuwing registration, sa elevator o FX.

ex. "Put@#$%, sinong nangangamoy BAKTOL sa inyo?!!!

2. KUKURIKAPU --- libag sa ilalim ng boobs madalas na namumuo dahil sa
labis na baby powder na inilalagay sa katawan. Maaari ding mamuo kung hindi talaga naliligo o naghihilod ang isang babae. ang KUKURIKAPU ay mas madalas mamuo sa mga babaeng malalaki ang joga.

ex. "Honey, maligo ka na para maalis yang KUKURIKAPU mo!"

3. MULMUL --- buhok sa gitna ng isang nunal mahirap ipaliwanag kung bakit nagkakaroon ng MULMUL ang isang nunal. subalit hindi talaga ito naaalis, kahit na bunutin pa ito, maliban na lamang kung ipapa-laser ito.

ex. "How nice naman your MULMUL! Nakakakiliti!"

4. BURNIK --- taeng sumabit sa buhok sa pwet madalas nararanasan ng mga taong nagti-tissue lamang pagkatapos tumae. ang BURNIK ay mahirap alisin, lalo na kapag natuyo na ito. ipinapayo sa mga may BURNIK na maligo na lamang upang ito'y maalis.

ex. "Labs, alam ko kung anong kinain mo kanina!!!

5. ALPOMBRA --- kasuotan sa paa na kadalasang makikitang suot ng mga tindero ng yosi sa quiapo. ito'y may makipot na suotan ng paa, at manipis na swelas. Mistulang sandalyas ito ng babae pero kadalasang suot ng mga lalaki. available in blue, red, green, etc.

6. BAKOKANG --- higanteng peklat. ito'y madalas na dulot ng mga sugat na malaki na hindi ginamitan ng sebo de macho habang natutuyo. imbes na normal na balat ang nakatakip sa bakokang, ito'y mayroong makintab na takip.

7. AGIHAP --- libag na dumikit sa panty o brief nabubuo ang AGIHAP kung ang panty o brief ay suotsuot na nang hindi bumababa sa tatlong araw.

8. DUKIT --- ito ang amoy na nakukuha kung isinabit mo ang daliri mo sa iyong puwit o sa puwit ng iba....try it to prove it thats DUKIT.

9. SPONGKLONG --- ito'y isang bagong wika an nangangahulugan sa isang estupidong tao.

ex. "Buti naman at bumaba na sa puwesto ang spongklong nating Presidente."

10. LAPONGGA --- ito'y kahintulad sa laplapan o kaya sa lamasan.

ex. "Hoy Utoy, bakit ba ang hilig mo sa mga sineng puro lapongga lang ang palabas?"

11. WENEKLEK --- ito ang buhok sa utong na kadalasang nakikita sa mga tambay sa kanto na laging nakahubad. Meron din ang babae nito.

ex. "Inay! Si Itay, sinaksak yung kapitbahay natin kasi hinila yung weneklek niya!"

12. BAKTUNG --- pinaikling salita ng BAKAT-UTONG.

ex. "Uy Jefferson, tingnan mo si Ma'am, baktung na naman!"

13. BAKTI --- bakat panty.

14. ASOGUE --- buhok sa kilikili.

15. BARNAKOL --- maitim na libag sa batok na naipon sa matagal na panahon.

16. BULTOKACHI --- tubig na tumatalsik sa pwet kapag nalalaglag ang isang malaking ebak.

17. BUTUYTUY --- etits ng bata

18. JABARR --- pawis ng katawan

19. KALAMANTUTAY --- mabahong pangalan

20. McARTHUR --- taeng bumabalik after mong i-flush. "I shall return!"


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