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Author Topic: dyok dyok dyok  (Read 52526 times)

windgate

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #280 on: October 20, 2009, 07:21:57 PM »
=Sa Hospital…
Doc.: Iha, mukhang pumapayat ka at hinang hina pa. Sinunod mo ba advice ko na 3 meals a day?
Girl: Diyos ko! 3 meals a day ba? Akala ko 3 males a day eh!!!

============ ========= =======
May nagpapa-translate sa akin ng signage sa tagalog: “Emergency Exit” ang sabi ko, “MADALING LABASAN…? Tama ba? Parang bastos ata.

=Sa Sauna
Attendant: Sir, gusto mo ng tirafi?
Guest....: Anong tirafi? Baka therapy?
Attendant: Tirafi po talaga sir. After you tira me, you give me fee. uki?

============ ========= =======
Mrs: Kung alam ko lang di sana ako nagpakasal sa iyo! ABS ka!
Mr.: Anong ABS?
Mrs: Alak, Babae, Sugal!!
Mr.: Eh ikaw CBN!
Mrs: CBN?
Mr.: Chismosa, Bungangera, Nagger!.


====Kasal…
Pari..: Ikaw lalaki, tinatanggap mo bang maging kabiyak ang taong ito habambuhay?
Lalaki: Opo, Father!
Pari..: At ikaw naman malanding pokpok kang bakla ka mukha kang kabayo, ‘akala mo siguro ang ganda mo sa gown o,‘ano? Tinatangap mo ba ang lalaking ito na hindi ka magsisisi kahit magkabaon-baon ka sa utang sa pagsustento sa kanya?
Bakla.: Father, sabihin nyo lang kung tutol kayo sa kasal na ito kesa naman tumalak ka diyan, naka mic ka pa naman.

=Sa isang turo-turo
Customer: Manang, meh langaw sa arrozcaldo ko!
Tindera.: Hello! Sa halagang P5.00 anong ini-expect mo….manok?

============ ========= =======
Anak.: Nay, yung girlfriend ko hindi naniniwala sa langit at impierno.
Nanay: Sige, pakasalan mo anak, ipatikim mo sa kanya ang langit, ako na ang bahala sa impierno.

============ ========= =======
A husband asked his wife, “What do you like most in me, my macho face or my sexy body?
The wife looked at him from head to toe and replied, “I like your sense of humor”.

============ ========= =======
Russian: Sir, we got huge order from USA for 16 inches condoms. I think it is to embarrass us.
Putin..: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE!


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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #281 on: October 20, 2009, 10:56:37 PM »
=Sa Hospital…
Doc.: Iha, mukhang pumapayat ka at hinang hina pa. Sinunod mo ba advice ko na 3 meals a day?
Girl: Diyos ko! 3 meals a day ba? Akala ko 3 males a day eh!!!


buti naman buhay ka pa. hahahaha



May nagpapa-translate sa akin ng signage sa tagalog: “Emergency Exit” ang sabi ko, “MADALING LABASAN…? Tama ba? Parang bastos ata.


ok lang lang yan, palitan mo: DALI, LALABASAN NA AKO!!!!   ;D


=Sa isang turo-turo
Customer: Manang, meh langaw sa arrozcaldo ko!
Tindera.: Hello! Sa halagang P5.00 anong ini-expect mo….manok?

supladang tindera.  ;D ;D ;D


Anak.: Nay, yung girlfriend ko hindi naniniwala sa langit at impierno.
Nanay: Sige, pakasalan mo anak, ipatikim mo sa kanya ang langit, ako na ang bahala sa impierno.


mao nay nanay...motabang sa anak.  ;D

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jamo2x

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #282 on: October 20, 2009, 11:13:05 PM »
============ ========= =======
Mrs: Kung alam ko lang di sana ako nagpakasal sa iyo! ABS ka!
Mr.: Anong ABS?
Mrs: Alak, Babae, Sugal!!
Mr.: Eh ikaw CBN!
Mrs: CBN?
Mr.: Chismosa, Bungangera, Nagger!.

suko man guro sa channel 2 ang nag sulat anih hehehe...but i like the CBN  ;D
gusto ko rin ng terafi  ;D

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i promise you, i'll be yours forever :)

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #283 on: October 20, 2009, 11:16:35 PM »

gusto ko rin ng terafi  ;D

mao diay kining mga boring, para sa uban, TERAFIUTIC  ;D ;D

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jamo2x

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #284 on: October 20, 2009, 11:23:26 PM »
mao diay kining mga boring, para sa uban, TERAFIUTIC  ;D ;D

ahahahaha korekek sab...ka swit jud nimo bai Glace....


swit-o kaajo sa terafiutic heheheh :)

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #285 on: October 20, 2009, 11:28:48 PM »
ahahahaha korekek sab...ka swit jud nimo bai Glace....

swit-o kaajo sa terafiutic heheheh :)

terafiutic basta kamolo pa. hoy-hoy abaga inig human. hehehe

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #286 on: October 22, 2009, 11:00:26 AM »
Anak: Tay unsay English sa otot?
Tatay: Wind of Change
Anak: Ug Otot nga wa tingog?
Tatay: Sound of Silence
Anak: Ug Otot nga dalang tae tay?
Tatay: Dust in the wind
Anak: Pag ka bright dyod ning tatay, Liwat dyod ko nimo!

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #287 on: October 22, 2009, 11:00:51 AM »
Lola Gihold up..
Lola: wa ko'y kwarta!
Holdaper: Naa! kahibalo ko asa nimo gbutang!
(Gikuot sa holdaper ang iyang bra)
Lola: Doy padayon, naa pa cheke sa ubos!

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #288 on: October 22, 2009, 11:19:17 AM »

Hehe.  Kini si Lola murag daghan na neg kaagi da.  Basin sya tong starring sa estorya nga gi u-turn sa taxi driver ? Hehe

Lola Gihold up..
Lola: wa ko'y kwarta!
Holdaper: Naa! kahibalo ko asa nimo gbutang!
(Gikuot sa holdaper ang iyang bra)
Lola: Doy padayon, naa pa cheke sa ubos!

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On vacation mode =:p

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #289 on: October 22, 2009, 11:53:55 AM »

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #290 on: October 22, 2009, 12:01:36 PM »
Hehe.  Kini si Lola murag daghan na neg kaagi da.  Basin sya tong starring sa estorya nga gi u-turn sa taxi driver ? Hehe


Unsa ba gud nang istoryaha bay beds? wa man ko kabasa ana. ;D

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #291 on: October 22, 2009, 04:12:05 PM »
Mga simpling Pangarap:

1. Pedro: gusto ko mahimong nurse para makatulong sa kapwa

2. Erning: ako doctor para makagamot sa kapwa

3. Nene: ako superhero para masagip ang nagipit na kapwa

4. Kiko: ako mayor para tutulungan ko ang kapwa

5. Lino: ako presidente para maglingkod sa kapwa

6. Juan tamad: ako gusto magiging KAPWA para hayahay.

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #292 on: November 01, 2009, 03:12:00 PM »
TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF VS NEW YORK LAWYER


Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas . Too bad......

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' says the deputy. 'License and registration, please'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is that you have to come to complete stop. That's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop or just slow down ?'


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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #293 on: November 01, 2009, 04:27:28 PM »
Ngilngig pud and deputy, kay legal difference ang gipangayo pero physical example ang gihatag! ;D

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #294 on: November 02, 2009, 02:26:59 AM »
Nanay: Anak, masakit ba ang libreng tuli?

ANAK: di naman po...huhuhuhuhu

NANAY: eh, bakit umiiyak ka pa?!

ANAK: kasi po nilagyan pa nila ng tattoo ung pototoy ko!...ang haba ng nakasulat..
           "a project of Mayor Binay...ganito kami sa Makati...sana ganito sa buong mundo"

nyahahahahah

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #295 on: January 18, 2010, 12:09:31 PM »
Aninipot

> > Anak: Tay , di ko katulog, daghang lamok.
> > Tatay: Palungon nato mga suga aron di ta makit-an
> > (Pagpalong sa suga, nanggawas mga aninipot)
> > Anak: Hala tay! Nagdala silag flashlayt !!!


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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #296 on: January 18, 2010, 12:10:07 PM »
             -Sakyanan-
> > Conduktor: Sibog-sibog gamay kay mularga na ta.
> > Kanang imong anak, 'Noy, sabaka lang na.
> > Amahan: Nabuang na! Nisakay gani mi kay nagdali
> > unya
> > sa BAKA na hinuon nimo pasakyon akong anak?!!!



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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #297 on: January 18, 2010, 12:10:33 PM »
-ANG MAID-
> > DONYA: Kay bago man ka dinhi, gusto ko masayod ka
> > nga
> > ang pamahaw diri alas sais impunto!
> > MAID: Way problema Nyora! Kung tulog pa ko anang
> > orasa,
> > una nalang mo ug ka-on!!


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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #298 on: January 18, 2010, 12:24:05 PM »
Anak: Nay, ubani ko sa Health Center kay naay lebring tuli.
Nanay: Kamo lang si Tatay Dong.
Anak: Kita lang lagi Nay.
Nanay: Kamo lang lagi Dong.
Anak: Nga man lagi Nay nga kami man gyud is Tatay?
Nanay: Aron magdungan mog patuli si Tatay nimo.
Anak:  ha., ha..., ha..

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #299 on: March 03, 2010, 09:17:23 AM »
Bugo nga foreigner

Si Pedro nakasaghid og foreigner....
Pedro: Ay, sorry.
Foreigner: Sorry 2.
Pedro: Sorry 3!
Foreigner: What are you sorry 4?
Pedro: Sorry 5!
Foreigner: I think you are sick!
Pedro: Bwahahaa sick kuno! Bugo ay, six oi!

;D

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #300 on: March 03, 2010, 09:29:40 AM »

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #301 on: March 03, 2010, 09:31:35 AM »
Bugo nga foreigner

Si Pedro nakasaghid og foreigner....
Pedro: Ay, sorry.
Foreigner: Sorry 2.
Pedro: Sorry 3!
Foreigner: What are you sorry 4?
Pedro: Sorry 5!
Foreigner: I think you are sick!
Pedro: Bwahahaa sick kuno! Bugo ay, six oi!

;D

unsa kaha ang sumpay kon "sex" ang pagdungog ni Pedro?

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #302 on: March 03, 2010, 10:36:02 AM »

Teacher:Translate this in Bisaya.
             Ten dog in town die.
Pupils: Lisod man na mam.
Teacher: Very simple sentence.
 Pupil: Lisod man pagtranslate kay Bisaya
         na man nang daan,  mam.
Teacher: Ha..ha..ha.. Very bright gyud mo.
 

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #303 on: March 03, 2010, 04:42:03 PM »
unsa kaha ang sumpay kon "sex" ang pagdungog ni Pedro?

Bwahaha. Mainsulto si Pedro, kay abi lang ang ijang nawong morag bil*t! ;D

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #304 on: March 03, 2010, 04:44:07 PM »
Bwahaha. Mainsulto si Pedro, kay abi lang ang ijang nawong morag bil*t! ;D

bwahahahah

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #305 on: March 03, 2010, 10:39:33 PM »
Inahan (masuk-anon): Hoy hoy hoy, putriska kang bataa ka, niingon imong classmate nga wa na kay sud-sod sa imong math   subject. Ug nga di kuno ka kahibawo moihap hangtod karon.

Anak: Pataka lang na sila Nay.

Inahan: Beh, ihap kuno beh..

Anak : dos-tres-kwatro-Singko,-says-site-otso-nwebe, jes, jack-queen-king-alas.


 8) ??? ;D >:( asa kaha ni ni eskwela bataa?

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #306 on: March 03, 2010, 11:44:54 PM »
anak:  pa unsay iningles sa papa
papa: ay dali ra na anak ilisan lang nimo ug "der" sa katapusan kintahay  papa mahimo na sijang pa-der,
          ug mama mahimo na sijang ma-der.
anak: ang lolo
papa: lo-der na sija anak.  :-\

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #307 on: March 04, 2010, 12:03:55 AM »
Upon arrival at the airport, a passenger couldn't find his luggage at the airport baggage area.
So, he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags never showed up.
The woman smiled at him and said not to worry because she was a trained professional
   and he was in good hands.
"Now," she asked him,"has your plane arrived yet?" 

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #308 on: March 04, 2010, 09:50:54 AM »
Inahan (masuk-anon): Hoy hoy hoy, putriska kang bataa ka, niingon imong classmate nga wa na kay sud-sod sa imong math   subject. Ug nga di kuno ka kahibawo moihap hangtod karon.

Anak: Pataka lang na sila Nay.

Inahan: Beh, ihap kuno beh..

Anak : dos-tres-kwatro-Singko,-says-site-otso-nwebe, jes, jack-queen-king-alas.


 8) ??? ;D >:( asa kaha ni ni eskwela bataa?

Butaw budi ang paingnan aning bataa... ;D

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #309 on: March 04, 2010, 09:54:48 AM »

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #310 on: March 04, 2010, 09:58:04 AM »
...than to speak out and remove all doubt." - Abraham Lincoln

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Chongki

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #311 on: March 04, 2010, 10:02:13 AM »
.... palukdohon pag sapatos sa ulo  ;D

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hofelina

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #312 on: March 04, 2010, 06:20:41 PM »
What I Want In A Man!   Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
 

What  I Want in a Man!   Revised List (age  32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
 

What I Want in a Man!   Revised List (age  42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
 

What I Want in a Man!   Revised List (age  52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
 

What I Want in a Man!   Revised List (age  62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
 

What I Want in a Man!   Revised List (age  72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
 
Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it, and to the men who can handle it !
 

"AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID: DARLING, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL.  NOW I HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.  IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.
 

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.  SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV."
 

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?  THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

 
Life is like a roll of toilet paper ... the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes ... so have fun, think ' good thoughts ' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and count your blessings !!!!!!!





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statesville

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #313 on: March 05, 2010, 08:19:31 AM »
hahahahahaha!   
  kataw-anan pero tinood

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #314 on: March 05, 2010, 09:45:50 AM »
Hinay-hinay bitaw ang pagdawat sa kamatuoran as we grow older. Sa gamay pa nangandoy nga mapresidente sa Pilipinas, pero pag-retire na maglisod gani mapili nga presidente sa kapilya! ;D

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bol-anon quo nyur!

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #315 on: March 09, 2010, 05:38:07 AM »
  :D :D :D

 Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

JOKE, JOKE JOKE.....
      


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hubag bohol

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #316 on: March 09, 2010, 05:46:16 AM »
Moral of the story: "Older Women are Better than Younger Women!" Bwahaha! ;D

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Re: dyok dyok dyok
« Reply #317 on: March 09, 2010, 06:24:07 AM »
  :D :D :D

 Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

JOKE, JOKE JOKE.....
     



bwahahahahha!

long live older women!

hahahhaha!

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