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7 reasons why we get hurt
Marge C. Enriquez
Philippine Daily Inquirer

December 01, 2009

PROTECTION IS OFTEN equated with physical means—vaccines, security
guards, martial arts or amulets. But majority of us would never think
about protecting ourselves from being emotionally scarred by others.
Says London-based author and motivational speaker Mike George, “We
will never need to worry about being hurt by others as our average day
carries very little physical threat. However, if we move to the mental
and emotional level, there appears to be a different kind of
possibility that we may get hurt. Our symptoms of hurt emerge as a
result of blaming, complaining and accusing others for ‘making me feel
this way.’ Is that because, like physical hurt, we are not strong
enough or not powerful enough to protect ourselves, or is it because
we feel we are at the mercy of other people and circumstances ... Do
we need some kind of ‘bouncer system’ standing guard at the windows of
our minds and at the doors of our heart?”

Here are seven reasons why we might feel hurt.

Insulted. “How dare you say that to me!” We can easily feel
disrespected or sullied when somebody makes derogatory or unflattering
remarks about our work or our personality.

Offended. “Can you believe what they just said about ‘my’ religion,
beliefs, ideas, etc.” The feeling is similar to being offended after
someone makes disparaging comments of another person’s appearance,
actions or speech. In our “conclusion” of the other, we see them doing
or saying something against our own values or beliefs.

Let down. “I’m so disappointed in you because you’ve let me down.”
Getting upset or disappointed comes from the perception that someone
has not met our expectations. Whether they showed up late or failed to
do what they said, we take it personally. Once our sorrow has waned,
we hold on to a negative impression of them.

Betrayed. “How could you tell them what I said, how can I ever trust
you again?” In truth, people don’t have the power to merge especially
when they are asked to keep a secret. The hurt comes when we expect
people not to pass on what we said.

Robbed. “They took everything from me.” We feel violated when
something precious is taken away from us. It’s not just theft; even
businesses are out to mooch us they can for their product and service.

Broken promise. “But you promised me...” It’s a personal hurt when
someone does not keep his word, whether it’s the parent who fails to
purchase the toy for Christmas, the boss who fails to deliver a
promotion, or a friend who fails to pay a debt.

Excluded. “You didn’t invite me...” You feel insecure when you’re not
included to an event or group that you aspired to be part of. The
sensitive feelings are heightened when there’s the thought, “What’s
wrong with me?”

It feels as if life offers many opportunities to feel hurt and
powerless in the face of other people’s behavior or the prevailing
situation. That’s just a matter of perception. George points out that
these responses are actually habits of creating our own suffering.

Self-empowerment

Here are his suggestions for self-empowerment.

1. Accept responsibility. The main responsibility in life is the
ability to respond. Any hurt reactions are self-created and not caused
by another person or event. That’s easier said than done. George says
it takes time for the situation or the reaction to die down. By then,
we see things more objectively and realize that we feel hurt because
“the world is not dancing to our tune.”

2. End controlling. Majority of the hurts stem from the fact that
people are not behaving the way we want them to behave. “Our emotional
reaction is a sign that we are trying to control what we cannot
control,” says George.

3. Be happy anyway. The media and social conditioning have led us to
believe that we can’t be happy unless we’ve got this or that. But as
long as our contentment is based on another human being or situation,
our emotions will vacillate and we will be unable to be centered
inside and be genuinely nice to others.

4. Letting go. The cause of all sorrow is holding on to ideas, belief
systems, possessions, people and, more significantly, attachment to
images of how others should behave. Letting go means not expending our
energy on these attachments and instead responding positively to the
situation.

5. Self-awareness. Take a few minutes each day and note down the times
you felt hurt by someone or by a situation, and see why it was caused
by your reaction and not them. This exercise will remind us that we
create our own feelings regardless of other people’s behavior. George
points out that we could even be guilty of doing what hurts others and
we may not be aware of it.

Once we’ve taken up the cudgels for change, here are the signs of
self-empowerment:

1. Whatever insults are hurled to you are just words, not sticks and stones.

2. You are not offended when you are no longer holding on to a belief
system about how people should speak or behave or dress up.

3. You don’t feel hurt when someone lets you down because you’ve
learned not to make your happiness dependent on your expectations of
others.

4. You don’t feel betrayed when a person divulges confidential
information which you shared. “You know that you cannot control what
others will do with what you share,” says George.

5. You can’t be robbed of anything because the real treasures are
spiritual. Everything else that is material is ephemeral.

6. You can’t be hurt by broken promises because you accept that people
can’t always be relied upon to conform with what they’ve said, and
your happiness is not dependent on a fulfilled promised.

7. You don’t feel bad if you’ve been ignored or even blackballed.
Self-esteem is not dependent on acceptance from others. “You no longer
need to be involved in anything to be content within yourself. You
know there is nothing wrong with you. You are a free spirit,” says
George.

©2009 www.inquirer.net all rights reserved


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--
It is not about what you do or who you are, it is about what you are
becoming. No se trata de lo que tu ereso lo que tu haces, se trata de
lo que tu te estas convirtiendo.


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