by Emily Marcelo
DEAR EMILY,
I am a 43-year-old single mom to an eight-year-old daughter. My husband died eight years ago, before our daughter’s birth, and we’ve been living with my parents since. I am working as a school nurse and my salary is really not enough for us.
My problem started when I met an 82-year-old divorced American guy who was introduced to me by a friend. She said this guy wanted to meet me, but she warned me that he is old enough to be my father.
When we finally talked, I found him interesting, with a sense of humor, and clearly old. When he proposed, I readily said yes. I thought about the future of my child, as well as a comfortable life for my parents.
While we were talking, he said he was going to tell me something he didn’t want to hide from me before our relationship deepened. He confessed that he was my mother’s former boyfriend! I got cold sweat and was dizzy for a while, and when I came around, I asked him what went wrong.
He said my grandmother didn’t approve of him then because he was a drunkard and a womanizer. My mother married a businessman instead, who is my dad.
I will be getting my fiancée’s visa in eight months, and I don’t know how to tell my mother about him. I am now worried about the future of my daughter.
—BURDENED
Do you need money that badly to be getting married to this old guy?
Your mother must be around your boyfriend’s age by now. Ask her if she ever met this certain American. Then let her re-live what she remembers of him. Could her memory of him still be lucid, you think? If she recalls their time together with passion, tread slowly and ask how she feels about him now. But if she sounds ambivalent, go for it and tell her. The shortest distance between two points is still a straight line. Tell her exactly what your plans with him are.
How sure are you that your future and your daughter’s will be secure with your marriage to this old guy? Since he must know that you are not coming in for the sexual experience, is he comfortable to be your sugar daddy? Has he stashed away enough cash to give you two a life of comfort?
You are a nurse, and you must know how comforting and attractive that is to an 82-year-old man. Face it—imagine home care! He may not look his age, but how long before parts of him start breaking down? Are you prepared to give him the care he will need? Will you have the devotion he will be expecting from this marriage? Do you have the patience and stamina for a long and saintly haul?
Your situation looks surmountable on paper because your case is clearly not unique or unheard of—a young girl getting married to an old man. But, is your mind prepared to go through life with him, in spite of the money? And what if he still carries a torch for your mother and actually wants to get to her through you—what now?
Are you sure you’ve tried every available means to get a better job? Remember the saying, “from the frying pan into the fire?†Or the Filipino saying, “nasa banig na, pumunta pa sa sahig?â€
Long story short: things may not turn out as rosy as you dream them to be.
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