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ARE YOU READY TO DATE AGAIN?

Whether you’ve endured a divorce or the loss of a spouse, deciding on the right time to begin dating again can be difficult. Often it’s emotional baggage that’s keeping you from jumping back into the dating pool, but reasons like lack of confidence and feelings of guilt can also serve as roadblocks on the path to finding new love. How do you choose the right time to take another shot at finding The One? Below, Carole Brody Fleet, author of Widows Wear Stilettos..., offers her tips on when you can best gauge the right time to begin dating again.

(1) When You’ve Let Go of Your Anger
It is absolutely normal to feel angry at whatever circumstances ended your relationship. “Of course you’re going to be angry with an abusive or cheating partner or at the circumstances surrounding a break up —after all, you’re a good person and you did not deserve this,” Fleet says. Sadly however, Fleet says many choose to stay “in the angry” or “in the bitter” to the point that they are unable to move forward with their lives. “These same people may take this anger out on their families, their friends, their work colleagues and yes, prospective dates as well,”.

The resolution of your anger is an important step toward readying yourself for dating again. “When you have made peace with the circumstances that ended your last relationship and you have begun to move forward from that loss into your new life, you are truly ready to begin exploring the world of dating again,” Fleet says.

(2) When You’re Happy Being on Your Own[/i]
Are you content within yourself as a single person, on your own without the necessity of the presence of another person? Being happy by yourself means a contentment to be in your home by yourself—with or without family and friends, and that you have a life that is your own and is fulfilling in its own right, Fleet notes. “Do you have your own career, your own hobbies, your own pursuits, your own set of friends with whom you play sports, lunch, drink or dine? When you are content with yourself, you are genuinely ready to begin the dating process again, because you are not simply filling the void that your last partner left behind; you are instead opening your heart and your mind to the possibility of a new relationship.”

(3) When You Can Go Out Alone and Have Fun
The “companion” element to being happy on your own is the ability to go out alone and enjoy yourself. Fleet says, “As a society, we are accustomed to either traveling in packs or with a spouse or significant other; however, you must be happy and content with your own company both within your four walls, as well as in the outside world before you should begin dating again.” To get to this point of self-sufficiency, Fleet suggests going out to dinner or to a movie by yourself. “Finding this contentment will enable you to make wise decisions in your dating choices and when you do meet that someone special, it will be for all of the right reasons,” she says.

(4) When You’re Truly Emotionally Available
According to Fleet, your emotional availability will have everything to do with not only the amount of time that you have spent recovering from a past relationship, but also your willingness to make yourself emotionally available. “I once dated a man who had not recovered from being broken up with in high school—thirty years earlier!” Fleet remembers. “This gentleman made a conscious decision not to make himself emotionally available to anyone else because of a prior bad experience.” Her advice: Ask yourself if you are truly ready for the dating experience and if you are capable of making yourself emotionally available to another. “If you don’t feel quite ready yet, back up and take more time for you, but please don’t take thirty years!” she advises.

(5) When You’re Capable of Trusting Again
Nearly everyone has been taken advantage of and otherwise treated shabbily by a former mate. Should we learn from our past experiences in order to avoid repeating history? Definitely. Should we take our past out on our future? Absolutely not, says Fleet: “To make the unilateral decision that ‘All men lie and cheat’ or ‘All women are gold-digging opportunists’ rather unfairly condemns an entire sex because of the actions of a few.” Regardless of your history, you must have the ability to trust others before you begin dating again. If you judge others on the misdeeds and wrongdoings of the last person in your life, Fleet says you’ll be doomed for disappointment on the dating front.

Put all this advice together, and here’s the bottom line: The whole process of re-entering the dating world after a former relationship is rather like testing a bruise to see if it still hurts. Fleet says: “Have you ever had a really nasty, awful-looking bruise? After time, it may look like the bruise is all cleared up, yet when you push on the spot, it still smarts a bit. By the same token, there is a bruise of sorts on your heart as you recover from the loss of a partner regardless of any circumstance. As with a bruise, Fleet advises that from time to time, you push on that spot in your heart. “If it’s still too painful… quit pushing—it means that it’s not time for you to be dating yet!” she says. However, eventually that tender spot in your heart does heal—and so will you. “You will know when the time is right if you listen to and trust in yourself,” she asserts.



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As soon as you feel ready to move on!

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