NEW RULES FOR EMPLOYMENT
Dear STAFF,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm:
Transportation: It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary. If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you drive a 10-year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise. If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a rest.
Sickness and related leave: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Bereavement leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
Your own death: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Restroom use: Too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Annual Leave: Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year - they are called Saturdays and Sundays.
Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week,
The Management
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