House Resolution to resurrect Marcos;
Church leaders formulate new and improved holy water
Sunday, April 10, 2011
MANILA, Philippines--Prepare for doom.
A resolution signed by 216 lotus-eating Congressmen is seeking the resurrection of former dictator Ferdinand Edralin Marcos. House Resolution No. 1135 titled A Resolution to Summon the Dark Lord mandates all Philippine black magicians, warlocks, cult leaders, quack doctors, soothsayers, fortune tellers, tarot card readers, demigods, holy cows, jejemons, Beliebers, Ruben Ecleo Jr., RH Bill supporters, and all people impervious to reason and addicted to faith to join forces and pool powers to resurrect the dictator.
The lotus-eating Congressmen said that it is about time for the Philippines to become a tiger economy, and the only way to do that is to discipline the citizens first by way of iron hand.
"Only Ferdie has the guts to announce a martial law. Those who'll resist have two choices, either bend or break," the lotus eaters said.
The lotus eaters have already prepared a cheerful one-line speech that Ferdie is going to make as soon as he is resurrected.
"Good morning my countrymen! As of the twenty-third of this month, I signed Proclamation No. 1081 placing the entire Philippines under Martial Law! Have a nice day!
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Catholic Church leaders have told the public via radio sermons and holy mass that people should not be afraid, but instead fight the Dark Lord. The church has formulated a new and improved holy water, which comes in 5, 30 and 50ml spray bottles for only 30, 60, and 100 pesos respectively.
The new formula is said to be more concentrated and more powerful. It also comes in 5 different flavors such as mango, peach, lemon, apple and bagoong. Each bottle has been blessed and therefore has become a holier water.
To be able to fight the Dark Lord, the public is urged to get one bottle of holier water right now!
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