By Ted Laguatan, Esq.
INQUIRER.net First Posted 10:11:00 10/10/2010 Filed Under: Migration, Crime and Law and Justice, Americas - Canada
CALIFORNIA, United States—In January of this year, I wrote the following material which was published and included as a part of my regular column by three newspapers. It was a response to a letter sent by a reader. Since then, I have had so many requests to have the material reprinted. Here it is.
Dear Attorney, I am a 72-year-old retired accountant who did well in the US. A widower, I married my attractive 25-year-old wife three years ago. We come from the same barrio in Nueva Vizcaya. I brought her to the US and she certainly has a much better life now. I gave her parents a generous sum of money when we married and send them money now and then. I was very happy until I discovered her affair with a co-worker. I discovered the sizzling exchanges of romantic text messages in her cell phone. I confronted her and she tearfully confessed, asking for forgiveness. She says this young man had been very aggressive and she tried to resist but eventually gave in. She has been seeing him for three weeks now. I want to hurt this guy. I feel devastated and hurt by the betrayal. I want my wife deported. Can you please help me on this?—Ben
Dear Manong Ben, Here’s my take on your situation: I understand your anguish, confusion, and anger. You cannot eat, sleep, or concentrate. Conjured scenarios of your young wife in wild passionate sensual engagement swirl in your brain with tortuous repetition. Your initial reaction reeks of revenge: Deport her. Condemn her back to barrio poverty and boredom. Get a hit-man to bury this bum alive. Rip his head off. Chop off his thing.
You would not be human if you had no such reactions.
Cool it and look at reality and the big picture. Most likely she married you not so much for your Piolo Pascual looks but because of your tender ways—legal tender that is. You made yourself attractive by going green. You showered her parents with green bucks. Your fat wallet and your blue US passport made you super pogi. You gave her an offer she could not refuse: escape from the barrio, a green card, nice clothes, nice cars, great food, a nice house and spending money. That’s fine. Hey, you do what you gotta do to achieve your goal. You made other old guys’ fantasies a reality. That shows guts. But Manong, marrying an attractive woman 47 years younger—I am sure you are aware—has its risks. You assumed that risk.
Most likely she never intended to cheat on you. Extramarital affairs are often unintended. But shift happens. Her attention shifted to another guy. Kalibidohan, kakulangan, and kalungkutan are to blame, operating singularly or in combination.
It’s a friendly planet except when an old guy’s young attractive wife meets a young aggressive stallion. I am sure she initially resisted the stud’s advances but because of kalibidohan, that is, tyrannical biological and hormonal imperatives, resistance eventually converted to welcomed acceptance. Kakulangan is simply unsatisfied kalibidohan, which may have been a factor. Kalungkutan, loneliness, may have also played a part.
What then? Anger, hate, resentment, thoughts of revenge? These won’t help. These destructive negatives increase your blood pressure, eat you up, and drown you in constant misery and depression. They can even drive you to insanity.
What then should you do? Here’s my advice: For your psychological-emotional survival and because it is the right and good thing to do, unconditionally forgive her and cease demonizing her.
Deeply understand that she is only human like all of us. Once you forgive her and forget her indiscretions, your peace will come back to you. The tightness in your chest, the headaches, sleepless nights, thoughts of revenge—all will vanish like sidewalk ice melted by the hot sun. You can then proceed with your life. Forgiving heals your hurt and makes you feel good about yourself. This is good science.
Forget about deporting her. Revenge and bitterness won’t do much good. And, since you had a genuine good faith marriage, a good lawyer can prevent her from being deported. I know I can.
If she leaves you or if you leave her, genuinely wish her well. You gave her a chance for a better life. Be happy about that. You made a big difference in one person’s life—maybe several persons, if you include her family. In exchange, you had her for three good years, enjoyed her company, made love to her. She made you feel young again. She may even have been a good cook.
Do your crying, sincerely forgive, forget, and move on. Don’t let your dark side dominate.
If you cannot really live without her, then tell her so. Love her not only as a wife but as a human being. Affirm your love despite her extramarital liaisons. Risk being a fool. It’s all right. Love begets love, especially true, honest-to-goodness love. Who knows, she might get tired of her young lothario and appreciate you more and truly love you.
If this does not work, nothing prevents you from divorcing her, returning to your barrio and marrying another woman. Maybe Manong, a little older this time? Good luck. Take care.—Ted] By Ted Laguatan, Esq.
INQUIRER.net First Posted 10:11:00 10/10/2010 Filed Under: Migration, Crime and Law and Justice, Americas - Canada
CALIFORNIA, United States—In January of this year, I wrote the following material which was published and included as a part of my regular column by three newspapers. It was a response to a letter sent by a reader. Since then, I have had so many requests to have the material reprinted. Here it is.
Dear Attorney, I am a 72-year-old retired accountant who did well in the US. A widower, I married my attractive 25-year-old wife three years ago. We come from the same barrio in Nueva Vizcaya. I brought her to the US and she certainly has a much better life now. I gave her parents a generous sum of money when we married and send them money now and then. I was very happy until I discovered her affair with a co-worker. I discovered the sizzling exchanges of romantic text messages in her cell phone. I confronted her and she tearfully confessed, asking for forgiveness. She says this young man had been very aggressive and she tried to resist but eventually gave in. She has been seeing him for three weeks now. I want to hurt this guy. I feel devastated and hurt by the betrayal. I want my wife deported. Can you please help me on this?—Ben
Dear Manong Ben, Here’s my take on your situation: I understand your anguish, confusion, and anger. You cannot eat, sleep, or concentrate. Conjured scenarios of your young wife in wild passionate sensual engagement swirl in your brain with tortuous repetition. Your initial reaction reeks of revenge: Deport her. Condemn her back to barrio poverty and boredom. Get a hit-man to bury this bum alive. Rip his head off. Chop off his thing.
You would not be human if you had no such reactions.
Cool it and look at reality and the big picture. Most likely she married you not so much for your Piolo Pascual looks but because of your tender ways—legal tender that is. You made yourself attractive by going green. You showered her parents with green bucks. Your fat wallet and your blue US passport made you super pogi. You gave her an offer she could not refuse: escape from the barrio, a green card, nice clothes, nice cars, great food, a nice house and spending money. That’s fine. Hey, you do what you gotta do to achieve your goal. You made other old guys’ fantasies a reality. That shows guts. But Manong, marrying an attractive woman 47 years younger—I am sure you are aware—has its risks. You assumed that risk.
Most likely she never intended to cheat on you. Extramarital affairs are often unintended. But shift happens. Her attention shifted to another guy. Kalibidohan, kakulangan, and kalungkutan are to blame, operating singularly or in combination.
It’s a friendly planet except when an old guy’s young attractive wife meets a young aggressive stallion. I am sure she initially resisted the stud’s advances but because of kalibidohan, that is, tyrannical biological and hormonal imperatives, resistance eventually converted to welcomed acceptance. Kakulangan is simply unsatisfied kalibidohan, which may have been a factor. Kalungkutan, loneliness, may have also played a part.
What then? Anger, hate, resentment, thoughts of revenge? These won’t help. These destructive negatives increase your blood pressure, eat you up, and drown you in constant misery and depression. They can even drive you to insanity.
What then should you do? Here’s my advice: For your psychological-emotional survival and because it is the right and good thing to do, unconditionally forgive her and cease demonizing her.
Deeply understand that she is only human like all of us. Once you forgive her and forget her indiscretions, your peace will come back to you. The tightness in your chest, the headaches, sleepless nights, thoughts of revenge—all will vanish like sidewalk ice melted by the hot sun. You can then proceed with your life. Forgiving heals your hurt and makes you feel good about yourself. This is good science.
Forget about deporting her. Revenge and bitterness won’t do much good. And, since you had a genuine good faith marriage, a good lawyer can prevent her from being deported. I know I can.
If she leaves you or if you leave her, genuinely wish her well. You gave her a chance for a better life. Be happy about that. You made a big difference in one person’s life—maybe several persons, if you include her family. In exchange, you had her for three good years, enjoyed her company, made love to her. She made you feel young again. She may even have been a good cook.
Do your crying, sincerely forgive, forget, and move on. Don’t let your dark side dominate.
If you cannot really live without her, then tell her so. Love her not only as a wife but as a human being. Affirm your love despite her extramarital liaisons. Risk being a fool. It’s all right. Love begets love, especially true, honest-to-goodness love. Who knows, she might get tired of her young lothario and appreciate you more and truly love you.
If this does not work, nothing prevents you from divorcing her, returning to your barrio and marrying another woman. Maybe Manong, a little older this time? Good luck. Take care.—Ted
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